The government is to throw out all it's health and safety legislation after they discovered the country cannot afford future care for the elderly.
A minister from the home office said - "The average old biddy has drunk and smoked like a trooper, fought in wars and worked in dangerous factories but thousands of them are still knocking about at 100! It's all very well having a 'healthy' retirement but when it's longer than their working lives who's going to pay for it?"
The government is worried that we are leading too pampered and health conscious lives resulting in an unmanageable number of old-timers watching paint dry in care homes.
"Smokers will be delighted. We're reducing duty by 80% and subsidising smoking parties for when kids turn 16 and pub vouchers for their 18th birthdays. Also a special smoking degree will be available for those wanting to work in the tobacco industry."
Businesses will be able to decide their own safety procedures without the government 'sticking it's nose in' and the over 65s will get a special OAP bus pass to the Dignitas Clinic in Switzerland in case they've 'had enough of it all'.
Many lawyers are said to be 'packing their wigs' since there will be no legislation left to defend. Many existing litigation laws will simply be replaced by the priviso "Shit happens" - similar to the laws of India.
A minister stated "We can't afford for longievity to get any higher so we want people to model their lives on their grandparents younger years - drive as fast as you like, eat what you want, enjoy your tobacco, pinch bums and be very cheeky."
Tobacco shares were up 4000% on the news.
