Attempts to repair a diplomatic riff over the BP spill failed today after a collection of rude interruptions and blatant extortion attempts by Obama were rebuffed by the UK's new Prime Minister.
Things did not go well as Dave tried to place a call to the White House through the switch board and was forced to wait during a recorded message for Obama Care, Cap and Trade, and a new sales pitch for Cadillac Escalades promoting the Black History Millennium and the NBA finals.
Further delays arose as Dave was forced to Press '3' for English behind '1' for Arabic, and '2' for Spanish before he realized his call was being rerouted from a call center in India due to line overload from a massive fund raising campaign by Obama to help incumbents in the upcoming mid term elections.
When the President got on the line he went directly to the point. "Hey, White Bread, what can I do for you...I'm kind of pressed for time, so let's get to the point!"
A gobsmacked Cameron, never having been treated this way except by the recently deposed Gordon Brown, thought for a minute he had been mistakenly connected to Scotland.
Obama jumped right into the void saying, "Look...I can make this all go away.
BP is one of my biggest financial supporters, but the voters don't know that and let's keep it that way. I'm going to beat them around a bit, but I've got
Bush in the Wings to take the big hit in about a week. I've got an idea to make this go away, but I've got to run. Here's my main goomba from Chicago, Rahm...you know Rahm right, my tough Jew Boy from Cicero, he'll fill you in with the details....just remember, cash only...just like Fergie!"
Emanuel wasted few words. "This is a F*****g mess, and you P*****s are going to take a big F*****g hit unless you get in line and pay to play.
We can make this go away and put all your S***on M*******F******Bush...maybe even both of them....hit the whole *F******g family with one blow! We need alotta F******g money in cash...just call it "Protection"...that'll work. The Dark Man can protect you better than NATO and you don't need to send troops out in those F******aluminum jeeps Gordon came up with....just money to keep your boys safe and sound!
You don't start your car yourself do you....hope you're smarter than that!"
Cameron, who was speechless was then put on hold until the phone call was transferred yet again.
"Is this 'Do Nothing Dave'? Hi...this is Tim Geithner, I'm here to give you the wire transfer details, be the middle man, yer know, so we have some plausible deniability here. Listen, it's kind of complex and involves multiple transfers through some places that'll surprise you, like Venezuela, North Korea and Syria.
The amount we're going to discuss, strictly a humanitarian gesture on your part to help scrub up the turtles and crabs, will be a lot larger than we're really going to realize because our bankers will be taking a little off the top to facilitate the deal....you know what I'm talking about Dave....or are you a little too new in the game to know the rules?"
At that point, Dave told Geither to hold one saying,"Tim...wait one will yer buddy, I've got to go drain the snake...."
A minute later the connection was remade and Geithner heard," Hello Luv, this is Sarah Ferguson, Duchess of York, now what the F***** were we talking about deary.......let's get F******real here....unless you want an exploding suppository up your ass...By The Way, have you ever met our man "Q"?"