Written by Erskin Quint

Saturday, 12 June 2010

image for Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart Love The World Cup Bees
"It's so cool of a concept." Not a vuvuzela yesterday in Dorset.

Team Twilight teen heart-throbs Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart seem delighted that the World Cup has begun in South Africa, writes Walter Kenneth Winterbottom-Wolstenholme, Association Football and Apiology Correspondent.

According to a source close to Kristen Stewart's laxative supply, the fantastically faery duo are looking forward to relaxing at their bohemian apartment near Much Wenlock, Shropshire and catching some of the big games.

But it's not just the footer - as Robert mumbles it, or the sahcurr - as Kristen whines it - that will occupy their steely vampyre gazes. Our source - who is very close to the building firm who installed the mock-Byronic bathroom in which dear, moonwhite-complexion'd Kristen spends so many hours hors de combat astrain on the neo-Georgian thunderbox - our source, I say, told us that it's not just the thrill of the matches they are anticipating as keenly as their next feast from the blood of a freshly-slaughtered newborn babe.

No. The world's favourite nosferatu-lite couple are particularly agog to sample the special stadium atmosphere created in South Africa. Our source - close to the Georgian lead face paint used by Kristen to enhance her already-pallid constipation chic trademark look - takes up the story (as I am, frankly, struggling to hold all this tripe together (we noticed - Ed.)).

"Robert and Kristen have been desperate to check out the crowd atmosphere, with its distinctive bee drone sounds. Ever since their holiday in Devon this year, when they found out about the decline in the bee population, they have been desperate to see bees back buzzing with health again."

Our source was delivering the new earth-filled coffins in which the children of the night-lite would soon be travelling, after the World Cup, back to the USA in order to resume promotion of Twilight Eclipse. The coffins (containing our fey fanged fiendish feral friends) are to be loaded aboard a sailing boat, the Demeter II, which will carry them to the USA, as its crew go missing and it becomes more rat-infested. He said that the general assumption about the bee drone in the South African stadia - that it is produced by spectators blowing their vuvuzela horns - is utterly wrong.

"Robert and Kristen have found out from Ron Doyle, the postman and bee-keeper they met in Devon, that the bee noise is actually being made by bees.

"Yes, there are some of these vuvuzela horns, but not as many as everybody thinks. There is a shortage of the horns. The South African government didn't want to lose face by admitting that they hadn't enough horns, and they were worried that the World Cup might be a droneless disaster, a dreary dronefree damp squib.

"Luckily, there happened to be an International Bee-Keepers Conference in Pretoria at the same time as the South African government held its Drone Emergency Meeting. Contacts were made, there was hive-like busy bee-type activity and an outrageously-imaginative international solution plan was hatched.

"Bee-keepers and bee experts from many nations have worked together in secret, with no personal gain, to put the whole thing together.

"So, far from the world's bees having disappeared from existence, they are alive and buzzing in South Africa's stadiums.

"The unseen army of bee keepers have saved the South African government, rescued the World Cup, and provided a sanctuary for the endangered bees of the world. It's quite an achievement. And it's all secret."

Popular, pasty-faced Robert Pattinson and his sexily sinister squeeze, the coaxingly-constipated Kristen, are revelling in this whole scenario, our source told us while he loaded up a refrigerator truck with the corpses of freshly-sacrificed virgins whose blood will provide sustenance for the palely-loitering pair during their long sail aboard the Demeter II.

"They love that the bee-keepers have done all this in secret, and for no personal reward. They love that the bees have been given this sanctuary. As Kristen said to their neighbour at Much Wenlock, Myfanywy Clitburglar the S & M Lesbian farmer, when she was over at Clunt Hole Farm borrowing a cup of laxatives (the chemist was shut): 'It's so cool of a concept for the bees to enjoy the sahcurr in safety, and then they get to go home. It's like, no fucking ego, y'know. Which is pretty much, like, where we want to be coming from getting to a place of. Once we've made enough money. Cool, y'know?'"

So, gentle reader. Rather than droning on about the South African horns of plenty (of noise), why not chill, sit back, and get a buzz out of all those happy, thriving bees?

As Kristen says, 'It's so cool of a concept...Which is pretty much, like, where we want to be coming from getting to a place of.'

No, gentlest of readers, I haven't a clue what she is whining on about either. But that doesn't matter. She said it. That's the main thing. That's what the Twi-Hards want.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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