Dancing With The Stars Signs Ozzy Osbourne For It's 2010 Season
HOLLYWOOD - The producers of Dancing With The Stars have just announced that they have signed Kelly Osbourne's father, Ozzy Osbourne to be one of the 16 contestants on next year's edition of Dancing With The Stars. DWTS Producer Bernadette Penderl...
Read full storyStar Trek Convention Chooses George Bush As Speaker
Thrilled at being asked to speak at the Star Trek convention in Metropolis, Illinois which has the world's biggest Superman collection, or anywhere else for that matter, George W. Bush brought the fans to their feet as he came on stage. Then, afte...
Read full storyMadoff Pardoned To Serve With Buffett, Gates To Save US Economy!
In a desperate attempt to save the United States economy and to avoid a worldwide depression that could last for 25 years, the Obama administration has pardoned Bernie Madoff from his prison cell in North Carolina. "Once Mr. Madoff's ass is taken...
Read full storyJordan out of Jungle but not out of the shit
When pointless breast carriage mechanism Katie Price left the Celebrity Jungle camp saying: "I am going home. I miss my kids so much," we here at the Cycle thought just for a moment that her execrable performance and the overwhelming opprobium of the...
Read full storyThe Twilight Zone 2009 - The Case Of The Missing Spoof Writer
BURNHAM-ON-CROUCH, England - The head of the Internet Anonymous Writers Department, Sir Nigel Basil Chichester, no relation to the Chichester family of fish and chips fame, has just issued a formal directive. Sir Nigel said that it appears that th...
Read full storyRoswell UFO Incident Finally Cleared Up!
What really happened in 1947 when a UFO was supposed to have landed in New Mexico and the remains of an alien were discovered, have been the speculation of writers and UFO enthusiasts for over 60 years. The United States military still says that n...
Read full storyBlack Friday a la Cormac McCarthy
The horses, bowed to sparse patches of grass raised their heads as one. From the salt plains below came again the muffled roar, an ululation of thousands hidden by foothills where, many miles off, the plain gave way and climbed to the horizon. Rising and falling on the wind, the sound still came, long enough now to become part of the ambient world for the horses, so that again as one they bowe...
Read full storyLou Dobbs Announces He Will Run For President In 2012
LOCO, Oklahoma - Ex-CNN talk show host Lou Dobbs was in town as the specially invited guest speaker of The Sooners For An Electrified Border Fence Convention. Dobbs whose name rhymes with sobs, robs, and cobs stated that now that he is no longer w...
Read full storyThe Swiss To Release Roman Polanski On $4.5 Million Bail - Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!
GENEVA - A Swiss court has granted accused child-molester Roman Polanski bail of $4.5 million. Roman Polanski, who had been denied bail due to the fact that he was a flight risk has reportedly given his word to the Swiss authorities that he will b...
Read full storyRoy Keane, alias Keano, tells reporter, "turn your f*****g phone off or I'll headbutt ya!!"
Irish ex-footy star and loveable Hooligan Roy Keane, alias Keano, Killer Tackler, Bite yer Fucking Legs off, The Headbutter, has hardly calmed down since his playing days with Man Utd, and still loves a tussle or 2 or 3 or more! Renowned for his "...
Read full storyIt's official: Olive Oil does not improve your hearing
After seven years of research in rural Italy Professor Peterson and his team of twenty-seven researchers have concluded that olive oil has no effect whatsoever on our hearing. Holding a press conference at an olive grove up in the Alps overlookin...
Read full storyOld feminist can't find a husband
An 80 year old feminist that spent her entire life complaining about men wants to get married to start a family. Betty Weasel says she's been an advocate for women's rights all her life; she has attended hundreds of rallies to demonstrate against...
Read full story'Obama born in ExxonMobil tanker hold:' support grows
Deadwhorse, Alaska - (UpstreamGal): Tight security surrounds a Proud-Ho Bay-registered crude tanker, the ExxonNikitaKhrushchev, which has been de-mothballed at a CIA forensic recovery site in Unalaska. The iconic 1960s carrier is the subject of in...
Read full storySharon Osbourne Apologizes For Calling Susan Boyle A "Slapped Ass"
Sharon Osbourne has told Susan Boyle, the one she called "A Hairy Asshole" on the Opie and Anthony show, that she was sorry and that she just got carried away with the guys. The apology came on Facebook: "Susan Boyle is a lovely gracious woman and...
Read full storyGoogle apologise to Michelle Obama (grovel, grovel) for racist images, Hitler love's his!
Fabulous Google have been brought to their knees by the First Lady of America, Michelle Obama. Google pictured Michelle as a racist monkey or was it vice-versa? A racist monkey poking fun at the glorious Michelle, never mind it's all COHONES anway...
Read full storyDalai Lama Finally Loses It, Wipes Out Chinatown
The Dalai Lama, usually known as one of the most gentle people on this earth, finally exploded after hearing the latest news from Tibet and has wiped out San Francisco's Chinatown Tuesday with one wave of his hand. "I have tried to stay peaceful b...
Read full storyBordello Falls ~ An Interlude
Norton Folgate strode confidently, some may say arrogantly, into town as the midday sun burned down from the clear blue sky, his Top Hat perched at a jaunty angle on his head. He didn't care if people thought him arrogant, he was confident of that. There seemed to be a kind of hush all over the town tonight, a strange kind of hush and one that Norton Folgate couldn't quite put his arrogant con...
Read full storyLiverpool boss not to be sacked, honest
Liverpool managing director Christian Purslow has insisted team manager Rafael Benitez's position is safe, after the club failed to make it to the group stage of the Champions League for the first time in six years. Purslow said: 'OK, I'm not givi...
Read full storyPresident Forgets To Pardon 45,999,998 Other Turkeys
WASHINGTON, Nov. 25 -- In a pre-Thanksgiving ceremony at the White House this afternoon, President Obama continued a much-beloved American tradition and forgot to pardon approximately 45,999,998 turkeys. The two pardoned turkeys, Courage and an un...
Read full storyIraq only fifth on WMD danger list MPs told
London - (Asses of Evil): The Chilcot inquiry has heard that in 2001 Iraq was ranked behind Iran, North Korea, Libya and the Foreign Office in terms of lethal destruction powers. Metropolitan Police anti-terror evidence showed that rogue MI6 agent...
Read full storyNew York Emergency Rooms Overwhelmed at Thanksgiving
What was supposed to be a day of rest and relaxation, football and family, turned ugly in New York as hospital emergency rooms were overrun with patients suffering a host of serious injuries. "It's been ugly here", says E.R. Doctor Howie Stitchi...
Read full story'A Day In The Life Of An RBOS Chief Executive' by The Backhanders
The Grab Four today brought out their new single, which will probably be this year's Christmas number one: 'A Day In The Life Of An RBOS Chief Executive I read the news today, oh boy About an RBOS chief who got well paid And though his bonus wasn't small Well, I just had to laugh I want his autograph He blew his mind out on champagne He didn't notice that his bank near failed A cro...
Read full storyBeckham to buy own team
David Beckham is reportedly to buy his own Major League Soccer team even though it doesn't yet exist, much like his wife's talent. Said Beckham of the impending purchase:- "I'm tired of playing soccer in a country where I can't understand the lan...
Read full storySilverton in shock nice clothes scandal
Geeky four-eyed lanky news presenter Kate Silverton, or "The Bitch" as she is endearingly known, put her size nine foot in it this morning and caused outrage among purveyors of righteous indignation by denying them anything to be righteously indignan...
Read full storyShocking Revelations In Sarah Palin's New Book
People who are just beginning to read the new Sarah Palin bestseller have a lot to look forward to, some of them really shocking, as only Sarah can shock and boy can she shock. Among the pages you will come across: Sarah won the Miss Alaska Junior contest in which nobody knew who it really was but her Mom, who recognized the mole on her bum as all contestants had to be nude with a sack over...
Read full storyDonny Osmond Wins The 2009 Dancing With The Stars Championship!
Hollywood - Kelly Osbourne took third place, Mya took second place, and Donny "The Stormin' Mormon" Osmond won the title of the 2009 Dancing With The Stars Champion. The 51-year-old Utah native for the past few weeks had turned into the favorite o...
Read full storyThanksgiving: Queen arrives at Bermuda Triangle euthanasia clinic
Hamilton - (X-Files): The Queen has arrived on the last leg of a worldwide euthanasia trip at Bermuda's famous Triangle self-help facility. Along with four relocated ex-Guantanamo inmates HM will see in Thanksgiving with a classic televised predes...
Read full storyRedundancy Compensation
I am a car manufacturing worker. We, I mean the union, the industry and a limited number of workers, have come up with a confidential pilot agreement, requiring us to report to work as usual but receive no formal remuneration. Of course, the company generously compensates our efforts via some payment in-kind: vouchers, food stamps etc. In other words, we are formally sacked. The assembly line t...
Read full storyBarnes & Noble's Nook Will NOT Be Home for Christmas
You could order one today, but it won't be delivered until the new year. Sing "I'll Be Home for Christmas" all you want, just make sure that there aren't any Nooks -- the ones, whether they are complete or incomplete, that'll be housed in warehouses...
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