Liverpool managing director Christian Purslow has insisted team manager Rafael Benitez's position is safe, after the club failed to make it to the group stage of the Champions League for the first time in six years.
Purslow said: 'OK, I'm not giving Rafa the dreaded vote of confidence - yet. But I'm on record as having said he's just signed a new five-year contract, so to discuss that is not appropriate, which is why I am discussing it. We have been so good in the last few years we haven't actually won anything, we've slipped down the Premier League in a few weeks as fast as a pint of Guiness at an Irish wake,
and we were unlucky to be massacred at home and then easily held away by Lyon, but lucky that our supporters still think we're a decent team. So as long as Benitez keeps up this magnificent form we can keep making excuses about late goals and tight budgets to hide the fact that Liverpool are now a very average middle of the table team that anyone can beat.'
Liverpool will now be playing in the Nohoper League, a European competition for the teams that can't win anything, and as if that wasn't bad enough for the once-mighty Reds they are the only English team that have been knocked out of the Champions League. Suggestions that Liverpool should leave the Premier League and join the SPL were met with scorn by Mr. Purslow.
'Not even Liverpool are as bad as Rangers, please', he said. 'No, we'll just merrily carry on with our average players and try and con enough cash out of the fans to watch us play average football in the Premier and Nohoper Leagues, then I can make a nice average profit out of it all. While Chelsea and Man U carry on winning everything.'
Some have suggested that Mr. Purslow's taking over of the club has been disastrous for it already, and that his refusal to give Rafa Benitez - one of the world's most talented managers - enough funds to rebuild the squad will lead to a season with no trophies and already little to play for.
'Well, if things get any worse soon I can always use Rafa as a scapegoat', Mr. Purslow said, 'and carefully invite the newspapers to write stories about Rafa's job being 'safe', i.e. hinting that it's not, and that he's to blame for the crisis. He isn't. I am.'
Kenny Dalglish has been unavailable for comment since he first started playing football.