Jordan out of Jungle but not out of the shit

Funny story written by Ulver

Wednesday, 25 November 2009


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Daddy, where's Mummy why is she parading her t*ts in Australia rather than spending time with us ?

When pointless breast carriage mechanism Katie Price left the Celebrity Jungle camp saying: "I am going home. I miss my kids so much," we here at the Cycle thought just for a moment that her execrable performance and the overwhelming opprobium of the show's voters had finally hit home.

Sadly, given that she has the skin of a 90 year old woman who has been sunbathing on the face of the Sun, and that as a result her skin has hardened to a Teflon style exoskeleton; the pointless bint has decided to put her career before her kids ..... Again !

In her post-show interview, vile crotch scraping Price insisted that she was set to change her ways and apologised to the general public for her recent whore-like, adolescent cock-chasing behaviour.

But there is one mystery that still surrounds the trollop, why hasn't she returned to the UK to see her unfortunate kids?

Her behaviour has left bewildered, bemuscled Aussie ex- Peter Andre a bit put out.

An associate of Andre's told the Cycle: "If it was Pete he wouldn't even have gone away but then he needs to be close to the gym and a constant diet of muscle-growth preparations, which may sadly have caused the common sense part of his brain to become muscle-bound in the areas affecting good taste and not marrying vapid celebrity whores!"

According to Price's camp she has to stay due to the Australian Federal Veterinary Service's belief that she is carrying so many venereal diseases that to allow her to leave may unleash vile lesions and outbreaks of drippy-c*ck across the Southern hemisphere.

However, there could be another reason that Price is staying in Oz and it relates to her current crotch parasite Alex "muscle-bound cock monkey, hang on that sounds familiar" Reid.

The Cycle has it on good authority that Price and Reid are set to meet, despite the fact that she dumped him on live tv, all in a good cause namely celebrity whoring of her life to the lowest bidders on her unreality show "What the Vapid Whore Did Next."

A source told Cressida: "The cock-munchers from her hand-picked crew have been told to get out there asap since it is quite likely that at some point, something might happen that people with one brain cell or who watch Jeremy Kyle might be vaguely interested in!"

The Price insider said "Jordan's not stupid and wants massive ratings for her show.Mind you that's a contradiction in terms, she wants big ratings but is too dumb to realise that everyone is sick of her cavernous vagina'd slattern antics and would rather watch paint dry than watch her parade her empty life around for all to see. Shit !"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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