Former President George W. Bush Accepts Employment Opportunity
George W. Bush announced from his Crawford ranch today that he has accepted gainful employment to help pay for the cost of his Secret Service Detail. He did such as he did not want to be a burden on the tax payers. The former President of the Unite...
Read full storyNation Really Really Alert Over Swine Flu Outbreak!
United States citizens are at a maximum RED alert over the Swine Flu to be really, really, really sure they don't get it. In a poll, over 15% of the population have not left their house in a month and order out for groceries which they boil, then...
Read full storyBooger County Hermit Finally Speaks
Former Boogertown resident, Bobby Bob Robinson, who has been a hermit living out in Old Man Kelsey's Woods for the past 15 years will be the subject of a PBS documentary that will be aired sometimes in 2012-2013. Here's an excerpt to whet your appetite: Interviewer: Mr. Robinson, why does a man cut himself off from society to go live all by himself? Bob: %&^&%$#$$o()#(*&&...
Read full storyKiefer Sutherland To Wrestle Mickey Rourke
LOS ANGELES - Kiefer Sutherland fresh from a head-butting, nose breaking incident with designer Jack McCollough has signed to wrestle the comeback kid himself, Mickey Rourke. Sutherland who says that he did not mean to head butt McCollough all tha...
Read full storyArsenal Ladies No Match For United
At 1-0 down, it was always going to an enormous task for Arsenal to square things up in their Champions League semi-final second leg against Manchester United tonight, but fielding their women's team was never going to be enough, and so it proved.
Read full storyRicky Hatton talks of "Happy Slapping" abuse since returning to Manchester
In an emotional interview, the boxer Ricky Hatton has described the turmoil and abuse that he has faced since returning to his family home in Manchester after losing the fight to Manny Pacquiao. "Ever since I developed this glass jaw in Vegas, I'v...
Read full storyGod offers helping hand at examination time
The time is fast approaching when pupils sit for their final exams before entering the big wide world. A time for revision, revision and more revision and then some. Brains can easily explode when they are overloaded with information which may neve...
Read full storyMelissa Huckaby to sing I'm every woman on Tyra Banks
TIBET - Melissa Huckaby the famed pharmacists has been invited by Tyra Banks to sing on her show. Tyra Banks fell in love with Melissa when she found out she was a Susan Boyle reincarnation. Tyra told me, "I thought she would be great for the...
Read full storyFriends of Terry Henry society lead Manure to slaughter
Terry Henry's personal fan club have let the clueless northern English club of Man utd into a final drubbing. Ade-bray-eour worked effortlessly to produce no quality and substance at all. Robin van clueless seemed to have forgotten what to to wit...
Read full storyRicky Hatton celebrity lookalike devastated at retirement rumours
In a frank and honest interview, Eddie Smith, famed Ricky Hatton celebrity lookalike, described the emotional turmoil he finds himself in as rumours of Hatton's likely retirement circulate in the media. "No-one realises how hard this job is" Smith...
Read full storyLucy Bronze Appears To Monkey Woods In A Dream
She was the Woman of the Match yesterday for Sunderland Womens Football Club in their 2-1 FA Cup final defeat to Arsenal ladies, but Lucy Bronze put on an even more stunning performance last night, when appearing to Spoof writer Monkey Woods in a dre...
Read full storySalma Hayek and Antonio Banderas Star In "Sinko de Mayo"
HOLLYWOOD - The much-awaited movie Sinko de Mayo has opened in East Los Angeles on Cinco de Mayo (May 5). The movie stars Antonio Banderas and Salma Hayek. Banderas portrays a New Jersey mafioso, Alfredo "Parmesan Freddie" Gorgonzola who hides $1...
Read full storyObama Nominates Oprah to Supreme Court
In a surprising move today, President Obama nominated Oprah Winfrey as the Supreme Court Justice that will replace the retiring David Souter. While speaking at a White House Press Conference, President Obama said, "Oprah understands where normal...
Read full storySusan Boyle Silently Dedicated Songs To Mother & Close Friend Kathy Staff
Susan Boyle Dedicated her first song on "Britain's Got Talent" to the memory of her mother but her next song was dedicated to her good friend and cousin, Kathy Staff who played Nora Batty on Last Of The Summer Wine for over 30 years. Stricken by g...
Read full storyJoey Barton to sign for Sunderland after Newcastle ban him from city
Bitter Newcastle FC rivals Sunderland FC are intending to sign Joey Barton in the summer, a club insider has revealed. The troublesome midfielder who has alienated and offended every single person he has had any dealing with, recently received a l...
Read full storyWhite House Releases Requirements for High Court
Washington, D.C. With Supreme Court Justice Souter's upcoming retirement, a High Court vacancy arises, and President Barack Obama faces the task of nominating a successor. In keeping with the President's promise of change and allowing citizens mor...
Read full storyGordon Brown to bet £1bn on red in Vegas Casino
"Desperate times call for desperate measures", was the theme from a Downing Street press conference, as the Government announced a "high risk strategy" in order to address the British debt levels. In 2 weeks time, the Prime Minister and a number o...
Read full storyArsenal pull a "Ricky Hatton" in Champion's League
Arsenal FC crashed out of the Champion's league last night in a sporting performance that rivalled that of battered fighter Ricky Hatton. In a 2 round knockout, Manchester United beat Arsenal to proceed through to the final of the Champion's Leagu...
Read full story"Doctor Death" speech devastates Bournemouth conference room
Dr Philip Nitschke, nicknamed Doctor Death by the media, delivered his lecture today on the best ways to commit suicide. The aim of the lecture is to assist those with a serious illness, find a way to limit their own suffering. Unfortunately f...
Read full storyMuslims fear new strain of flu
Top muslims have contacted the government today with fears for their safety. Speaking from a gold encrusted temple somewhere in Bradford, Top man Abby Dabby Doodar stated the current epidemic was worrying for all of the British muslims. "We killed...
Read full storyTV Trees told
There were problems in One Tree Hill today, when the tree that gives the fictional town its name was cut down. The town is the backdrop for a fictional tv documentary, that focuses on the lives and loves of some American teenagers, playing basketb...
Read full storyRicky Hatton joins Oasis
Recently beaten boxer Ricky Hatton has announced that he will be joining Manchester super group Oasis from June as their drummer, in time for a string of summer concerts. The boxer who has spent a great deal of time learning how to drum over the l...
Read full storySusan Boyle refuses to sleep with Russell Brand- not 'desperate' she says!
Sultry Scottish singer has declined an invitation to sleep with filthy man-slut Russell Brand. Susan whose videos are youtube hits, has no inclination to sleep with Brand, whom some say has the morals and looks of a bonobo monkey. The Celtic Pr...
Read full story400-Pound Dom DeLuise Bites The Big One
Burt Reynolds reports that his old buddy Dom Deluise, the rotund comedian, died in his sleep in a Los Angeles hospital around 6 p.m. Monday. DeLuise was 75 years old and weighed over 400 pounds. DeLuise is perhaps best remembered for his appearanc...
Read full storyArsene Wenger admits that he is actually from Birmingham
Arsenal manager has made a shocking announcement today, during what had been expected to be a routine press conference. On entering the room, Wenger announced that he would not be taking questions and had a prepared statement which he intended to...
Read full storyDavid Cameron inadvertently ends up appearing on Porn Site
In seemingly an effort to out-do Prime Minister Gordon Brown with YouTube based disasters, David Cameron has found himself making an appearance on an internet porn site. Cameron's brief video message was recorded last week in response to the disas...
Read full storyPhil Neville to "Phil" gaps in Everton team for FA Cup Final
Everton FC has been placed in a dramatically dire situation following further injuries to their senior team. With the latest series of injuries impacting the squad following last weekend's league fixtures, the Everton manager David Moyes has had t...
Read full storyDoctors try and save Gordon Brown's career using 'flu jab
Doctors today injected Gordon Brown with a dose of the swine 'flu virus, in an attempt to save the beleaguered Labour leader's career. Speaking from Downing Street, the Prime Minister said: 'Banking crises, mortgage problems, job redundancies, con...
Read full storySpain Reports Swine Are Catching People Flu
MADRID - The government of Spain has just been informed by its national health organization, La Organizacion Nacional de Healtho that several veterinary hospitals in Barcelona, Madrid, and Valencia are reporting that they have admitted several swine...
Read full storyKristen Stewart and Michael Arangano Call It A Day
Yes, you heard it here first (not that it's true), Kristen Stewart and long time boyfriend Michael Arangano have broken up. Michael was caught at a party with a mystery girl and looked as though he was having too much of a good time! Micheal's friend...
Read full storyBNP Rumbled In Mass Clone Plot
Security services in the UK have uncovered a plot by the British National Party to mass clone the former British Prime Minister, Baroness Thatcher and the late, larger than life comic from Manchester, Bernard Manning. It is understood that the cu...
Read full storyPrince Harry And Miley Cyrus - The Wedding's Off
My reports announcing the marriage of HRH Prince Harry of Afghanistan and Hannah Montana Disney actress Miley Cyrus appear to be somewhat premature. I contacted both parties for comment and was greeted by expressions and statements suggesting tota...
Read full storyElephants blamed for increase in trunk calls in South Africa
It seems that trunk calls are being made increasingly in the capital of South Africa, Pretoria. Many people are accusing elephants of carrying out these clandestine calls and are right on the edge of making some of these Proboscidea accountable for t...
Read full storyManchester United Squad Arrested
Sir Alex Ferguson was reportedly 'spitting feathers' following the arrest of the entire Manchester United squad, staff, and officials at their London hotel in the early hours of the morning. All parties were detained and interrogated at Paddington...
Read full storyMelissa Rivers and Her Mother Joan To Appear Nude In PlayAdult Magazine
NEW YORK CITY - In what is believed to be the first of its kind mens' magazine layout, Melissa Rivers, 41, and her mother Joan Rivers, 75, will be gracing the glossy pages of PlayAdult Men's Magazine in a mother/daughter photo shoot. Melissa was a...
Read full story'Skin Not Waterproof' - Bolton Man Told
Bolton man Tommy Chadderton was in for the biggest shock of his life today when doctors told him that his skin was no longer waterproof. Chadderton had complained that whenever he touched water, he swelled up grotesquely, without realising that he...
Read full storyLicence Denied For New Slimming Product
Officials today refused to grant a licence to a new slimming product developed by Mad Ed's Drug Company. Reasons cited were insufficient clinical trials, unsanitary production facilities, and the likelihood of death for potential users. The produc...
Read full storyFree Pig For Every Household In UK
It has just been revealed by the government that in an effort to combat the slow burning swine flu pandemic, that every home in the country is to be issued with a free pig. PM Gordon Broon told a packed House Of Commons: "We've thought long and...
Read full storyRome Police Geared Up For All English CL Final
Should Chelsea manage to beat Barcelona, thus setting up an all English final in Rome with Manchester United or Arsenal, Rome Police have said that they are well prepared to deal with a large influx of English soccer fans. Following violent scenes...
Read full storyPig in Mexico catches Human Flu
Pigs and general swine (not General Swine - he was the one who defeated the Aztecs in Venezuela during World war Two) have been put on full alert as a form of Human Flu sweeps through farmyards, abattoirs and bacon-curing plants in Mexico. The min...
Read full storySusan Boyle Visits Boy George In Prison
LONDON - "Britian's Got Talent" contestant Susan Boyle visited Boy George, aka prisoner #74316869, who is presently incarcerated at The Petula Clark Prison For Blokes in London. Miss Boyle said that she thoroughly enjoyed her two-hour visit and sh...
Read full storyMel Gibson, Another Brick In The Wall!
It turns out that Mel Gibson's new Russian girlfriend is just another ambitious social climber with a scandalous past, a string of ex-lovers and a penchant for older men to advance her career, say sources close to her. According to the source who...
Read full storyDisaster as swine Flu leaflet carrier tests positive for swine flu
It has been revealed that three staff from a delivery firm handling the delivery of flu leaflets to all UK households were themselves suffering from swine flu. 'I saw the lad coughing and sneezing,' said Mrs Harris of Islington. In some cases, he...
Read full storySusan Boyle (Britain's Got Talent) career looks over before it starts
For Susan Boyle, the storming Britain's Got Talent contender, it looks like her career is over before she even gets to the finals. In a frank interview - it was with a chap called Frank from the BBC Manchester - she admitted that she can only sing...
Read full storyJohn Travolta to film sequel to Saturday Night Fever
Staying alive, staying alive, staying alive, ah ah ah ah - that is the words on the lips of anyone who's anyone in Hollywood right now. The word is out that John Travolta is to film the sequel to his 1978 hit dance movie Saturday Night Fever. Tra...
Read full storyUK ID Cards to be made available for 73p each and not £5 billion as first thought
The proposed spending by the government on consultants, managers, consultants, management consultants and consultants, all not required to launch the £5 billion ID card fiasco, has been cured by an unknown IT technician from the Chapeltown area of Le...
Read full storyHarriet Harmon changes mind about Labour leadership again
Harriet Harmon, the Minister for Alliterated Names, has again changed her mind about becoming party leader, proving that Labour used to be indecisive, but now its not too sure. It seems that some newspapers, especially the Daily Torygraph, declare...
Read full storyPenelope Cruz spills the beans on Tom's break-up with Nicole
Malaga, Spain - Penelope Cruz has confessed in a candid interview why Tom Cruise broke up with Nicole Kidman (yes, the cheque has cleared). "As you know" said Cruz "Tom is the world's leading scientist. Nicole wasn't very scientific at all. She...
Read full storyUnemployed woman gets paper cut and sues Job Centre
Bristol, England - An unemployed mother of four children (with five different fathers) has announced she is suing Job Centre, after attaining a paper cut whilst filling out a form. The 18 year old who has never had a job and has been permanently pre...
Read full storyParents angry at Santa's late arrival
Angry parents will be protesting today outside number 10, in a bid to raise awareness of the serious problem in their town. All two of them will have travelled many miles today from their home in Scummingham, some even giving up their day of watch...
Read full storyIggle Piggle, Upsy Daisy and Makka Pakka held on drugs charge
Three children's TV characters are being held today after a drugs raid uncovered £1000's of heroin and cocaine. Officers from the In The Night Garden drugs squad recovered the drugs after a series of early morning raids carried out on the Pinky Po...
Read full storyWhat's happening at Citi Message Board
Recently the stock market has been reviving itself slowly, some say with the assistant of government and say without them. But its a good sign that market is coming back again to life. In stock market, there are two way you can make money. Either you buy stock and hope that it will go up Or you sell the stock by borrowing from someone and hope that it goes down so that you can buy later at a ch...
Read full storyFlu Drug Lab Affected In Pay Dispute
A laboratory in Switzerland where stocks of the Swine Flu antiviral drug are produced, is shut tonight after it emerged that staff there have demanded a 3,000% pay rise. The lab closed down at 3pm today when 15 workers, mainly unskilled peons who...
Read full storyMajor Antonius Julius Argus Xerxes Part-2
Major's strutting behind the flock was truly majestic. He had a tailored hat made of black-fur karakul cap and two foxtails on either side, flip-flopping with each gait. He could raise the tails upward in a manner that the tapered ends of the tails would stand slightly perpendicular forming two horns. His eyes were green; nose, medium and lips normal. Antonius Julius Argus had grown a grayed beard...
Read full storyObama to Name Susan Boyle to Supremes
Barack Obama, America's first R&B President is apparently on the verge of appointing a Supreme Court Justice with more vocal prowess than legal expertise.As a constitutional law professor, Obama often emphasized the importance of interpreting the...
Read full storyIt's Armageddon people!
While the general public yawned at the latest mad cow/ SARS/ foot and mouth/ scrapie/ salmonella/ bird/ ovine flu developments, governments worldwide are bracing themselves for the unavoidable onslaught caused by ovine flu. The World Heath Organisat...
Read full storyBritain Wins - Hurrah
Gordon Brown the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, declared that after 6 years at war, the UK would be withdrawing troops from Iraq as they had basically won as there was no-way the Iraqis could ever catch up. Especially when only using poxy su...
Read full storyTop 10 reasons to shut the hell up!
In light of President Obama's first 100 days, there have been a lot of Republican complaints. Below is the top ten reasons why they should shut the hell up. 10.Democrats had to put up with Bush 9.When Democrats have tea parties...we dump boxes of human waste on certain senator's lawns 8.Joe Biden has some serious connections 7.Barack Obama is too busy to care what the loosers...
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