Tomorrow's British weather forecast

Written by matwil

Monday, 21 December 2009

image for Tomorrow's British weather forecast
Tomorrow's weather

At 8 am much of the UK will begin to get light, and thousands of main roads will need gritting due to ice and snow - but won't get gritted. By 9 am widespread grumpiness will break out among millions of commuters as trains and buses run later and later, and many trains and buses will break down completely. And many people will be poorly dressed despite knowing that it's below zero, but won't care at all.

By midday the BBC will give one of its useless 'Severe weather warning's hours after blizzards and snowstorms have been sweeping across the British Isles, and will offend Irish viewers by calling Britain and Ireland 'the British Isles'. As the afternoon wears on, councils will finally get around to gritting major roads in most UK cities - a few minutes later heavy snow will fall again, turning the roads into a dangerous sea of slush which would be far safer without the grit.

As evening falls around 3 pm, the temperature will suddenly rise for no apparent reason, causing masses of thawing of snow. But by 5pm temperatures will drop again, forming huge amounts of black ice on all the areas people walk on and the councils never grit. Though no-one will complain about it.

At 9 pm the entire nation of Scotland will be getting torn into bottles of whisky, despite the scientific claims that alcohol actually makes people feel colder, while English and Welsh people will philosophically drink pots and pots of tea. Towards midnight some areas will become at least ten degrees colder than the BBC says it is, and millions more Britons will refuse to pay them their ridiculous license fee, which now all goes on buying expensive but useless computerised weather forecasts.

During the night it might suddenly thaw again or it might get even colder, or the weather may just do the opposite of whatever the BBC predicts to annoy those useless gits. So tomorrow will either be cold - in December - or unseasonally warm, or mildish, or pure dead Baltic, or anything at all. Global warming scientists will, of course, use warm weather to say they're right, and cold weather to change into Ice Age predictors, as they did in the late 1970s.

The British weather - as unpredictable as the British people themselves, who wouldn't bat an eyelid if you bomb their cities as the Germans did in two World Wars, but will go berserk if you put milk into a cup of tea before the tea. Well, at least it's interesting ...

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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