Ian Huntley Suicide Bid Blunder-Home Office Recommendations
Soham killer Ian Huntley has once again been saved from suicide by blundering prison guards. Since being in prison, Huntley has attempted suicide on at least two occasions, normally involving stored tablets.
Read full storyGlobal meltdown fears as ex-KGB spook takes over at IMF
Washington - (Disaqster Mess): A former KGB agent and former French socialist finance minister Dominique Strauss-Kahn has somehow wormed his way into the top job at the IMF today.
Read full storyNostradamus was right about Diana inquest
Royal Courts of Justice, Strand - (Diabolical Mess): A guaranteed bloodbath: that was Nostradamus' prediction about next Tuesday's inquest into the death of the Hellfire Club's Princess Diana, ten years after a drunk driver turned her int...
Read full storyRudolf Hess had matrimonial visits from Queen Mother: archives
National Records Office, Kew - (Reuterus): Notorious Nazi criminal Rudolf Hess had dozens of priviledged matrimonial visits from the Queen Mother during his 42 years of incarceration in Berlin's Spandau Prison according to newly declassified docu...
Read full storyGeorge Washington pulled from QEII race after gelding disaster
Ballydoyle, Ireland - (Ass mess): Fabled Irish talking horse George Washington was pulled from this weekend's Queen Elizabeth II Stakes at Ascot after an operation to geld him went badly wrong, leaving the 4-year-old son of Danehill a p...
Read full storyBill O'Reilly dispels his own stereotypes of Black Americans; finds himself in the "No Spin Zone" segment of his own show after reaction
New York, New York - Sharing on his syndicated show the "Radio Factor" his revelation that a dinning experience at a local favorite, Sylvia's, a soul-food restaurant in Harlem with Rev. Al Sharpton this week was no different than any ot...
Read full storyA 'Coon' ... Where?
Most of the people in town have CB stations in their homes because it had been difficult for them to keep home phones. Everybody in town that has a CB station was on the air last night. Local maven Clara D. was rushed to the hospital with a raccoo...
Read full storyMale Gives Birth
Look out ladies, your job here is nearly over. Except for a few die hards, men may all be carrying their own children from now on - now it could be them who are the ones with their feet up asking, "do my ankles look swollen?" A decidedly swollen b...
Read full storyRobert Mugabe sells timeshare at U.N.
Funnyman and international statesman President Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe used his speech to the United Nations General Assembly this week not to condemn the policies of Western leaders but to sell timeshare
Read full storyJeremy Kyle show "got guest drunk to poke fun at him"
Makers of the Jeremy Kyle Show angrily denied allegations that they deliberately plied a guest with alcohol in order to get him drunk and make a fool of him on television.
Read full storyRadio Presenter says F*** word 7 times in one sentence to summon Radio Demon
Radio presenter Sophie Davidson, 31, said the f*** word 7 times in one sentence on Heat Radio one day after the launch of the radio station in order to summon the Radio Demon. Unfort...
Read full storyFan Site Alleges Jessica Simpson Affair With George Bush.
(Conoga Park--CA) Patriot Act and rendering aside, it proves democracy in the United States when a night manager of an AM-PM can ignite the fuse to a powder keg of potential political scandal that may reveal the lust between pop siren Jessica Simpson...
Read full storyParis Hilton Rwanda Trip
Air-head heiress, Paris Hilton, is enjoying the sights and sounds of poverty stricken, previously war-torn nation Rwanda. Miss Hilton was met by Rwandan Cultural Minister Badu Musambeya.
Read full storyDrogba Signs For Fulham
Didier Drogba, the unsettled Chelsea striker, has signed for London neighbours Fulham in a surprise deal on the eve of the Blues' fixture against the Craven Cottage side tomorrow.
Read full storyOsama Bin Laden Loses Left Arm
We cannot confirm that Osama Bin Laden was in a drunken stupor when he fell asleep on a Pakistani hillside last month, however, we have absolute proof that when he was awakened next morning by his mistress his left arm was missing from the elbow down...
Read full storyJenna Bush: "Henry roused me at 4am up the Cadillac Mountain"
Washington DC - (Prenup Mess): Jenna Bush says she fell for Henry Hagar when he first roused her one morning at 4 am "up Cadillac Mountain".
Read full story"Men still eating out of the palm of my hand!" says Brigitte Bardot, 73
St Tropez, France - (Formidable!Presse): And God Created Woman star Brigitte Bardot has told a press conference that at the age of 73 and untouched by the plastic surgeon's knife, "men still eat out of the palm of my hand!"
Read full storyAhmadinejad to Appear in "My Name is Earl"
Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, in an apparent effort to gain favor with the west, has been taped playing a small role in the hit comedy series "My Name is Earl."...
Read full story"Bring Your Kids to Work" Day a Hit in Cambodia and Thailand
"Bring Your Kids to Work Day" has become quite popular in several countries along the Pacific rim, according to one spokesperson for the Universal Children's Organization. "It's amazing! The kids go to work with the parents, and productivity seem...
Read full storyIlliteracy Rate Highest Among Illiterates
A study by Heartland State University has concluded that illiteracy rates are highest among those who can neither read or write.
Read full storyChild Admits Indifference to Kitten
Little Timmy Jonber of Cedar Rapids, Iowa was somewhat relieved that his presumed lost kitten showed up at this home earlier this week.
Read full storyScientist Finds Perpetual Motion Machine "Too Annoying"
A Nevada inventor and physicist had to get rid of his perpetual motion machine, which he found "really irritating." He said: "The damned thing kept me awake, running all the time, I couldn't stop it. I mean, I like science, but I've got a life too!"...
Read full storyWall Street Analysts Adopt New Approach
Wall street analysts have made the decision to say "I saw that one coming!" whenever the market takes a move up or down.
Read full storyBush Demands New Planet be Named 'Little Arbusto'
WASHINGTON - Top White House officials announced that a previously unknown planet discovered on the outer rim of our solar system would henceforth be known as "Little Arbusto," and that calling the planet "Sedna" or any other name...
Read full storyMichael Jackson beseeches Vanessa Hudgens: "Have my babies!"
Los Angeles, California - (ReUterus & Ass Mess): Singer Michael Jackson has proposed to High School Musical starlet Vanessa Hudgens.
Read full storyJohn Terry To Be Disciplined By FA
John Terry, the Chelsea and England football captain, is to be disciplined by the Football Association for his part in the disgraceful scenes at Old Trafford last weekend, following the sending off of Mikel J...
Read full storyNaked Inmates "Will Be Made To Pay"
Inmates at a jail in Staffordshire have had their right to wear clothing taken away by Her Majesty's Prison Service, who are determined to make prisoners pay for the crimes they commit.
Read full storyMicrosoft Reinvents Wheel
In a dazzling launch event held at Seattle's Space Needle, Microsoft heralded the launch of their latest product - Microsoft Wheel 2.0.
Read full storyRon Paul in Men's Room Scandal
Aspiring presidential candidate Ron Paul was allegedly seen masturbating in a men's room at Logan Airport in Boston, MA, according to an undercover policeman who arrested Paul.
Read full storyCrazed Catnip Criminal on the Loose
Miami-- (AP) -- Drug crazed criminals have reached a new low in south Florida, where a bizarre and heinous crime took place today. A security camera captured the brazen robbery of a defenseless kitten, apparently for it's catnip.
Read full storyMirror's Maddy Forum Eases Boredom of Fox Hunt Set
Bored fox hunters, deprived of anything actually fun to do since important legislation deprived them of anything actually fun to do, are barmy for a new blood sport: reading The Mirror's Hunt for Maddy Forum.
Read full storyJudge Issues ABSOs to Mirror's Maddy Forum Members
A High Court justice today issued life long ABSOs against 97-odd (barking, surely?-ed.) posters at The Mirror's Hunt for Maddy internet forum.
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