Cruise to turn lavish LA $43m house into temple ahead of 2012 presidential bid
Los Angeles - (Ass Mess): Tom Cruise is to demolish his brand new $43 million seven bedroomed LA townhouse and build a shrine to Xenhu in his bid to relaunch himself as Scientology's messiah incarnate ahead of a proposed 2012 White House presiden...
Read full storyBlair Admits Political Career A Practical Joke
Prime Minister Tony Blair revealed yesterday to reporters that he has been a long time fan of the late US comedian Andy Kaufman and Kaufman's routines inspired him to perpetrate a "goof" of international proportions on the public.
Read full storyJustice Department Says Alleged DC Madam's Prosecutor Client Died From Embarassment
Washington - (Ass Mess): The US Justice Department has announced that a "career Justice Department prosecutor"...
Read full storyDeborah Morse: dancing to VECO tune?
Anchorage - (Ass Mess): Amid today's dramatic headlines that the two top VECO officers who pleaded guilty to bribing four Alaskan state legislators both face up to 10 years in jail comes the news that embattled Juneau High School Principal Debor...
Read full storyPolice to Begin Training Recruits with Nerf Toys
Kansas City, MO - In a press release this afternoon, Kansas City Police Chief Terry Sunderland announced a new format for training recruits. KC administration has been looking for ways to cut costly spending, and came to the conclusion that real worl...
Read full storyAmerican Automobile Association and Alcoholics Anonymous Merge
San Pedro California - It was announced today that the American Automobile Association and Alcoholics Anonymous would merge into one huge conglomeration from here on Known as the AAAAA.
Read full storyPelosi Under Fire
WASHINGTON, DC, 5/8/07 - The Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, came under intense pressure on Monday to resign following revelations that she had met with a former White House aide in a bid to engineer the impeachment of President George Bush. Ms...
Read full storyLindsay Lohan's Girl Gone Wild Video released to media just days after Paris invited Lohan to share accommodations at Gray Bars Hotel
Los Angeles, California - A videotape of Lindsay Lohan snorting 20 lines of cocaine with friends off a toilet seat in a bathroom stall of a nightclub surfaced this week in what some are saying is under usual circumstances.
Read full storyTata Young to Move to America
Tata Young who is an popular Asian Pop Singer (also known as the Asian Britney Spears) has recently revealed that she will be moving her butt to America for her second English released album Temperature Risi...
Read full storyFrozen for 300 Ears!
The world was rocked yesterday when news that the late King Charles of England, was brought back to life from his frozen haven. Only to find that his ears had been well… chopped off.
Read full storyPrince to come in London!
The short sexy shagging singer will begin his summer tour with seven nights at the O2 Arena - formerly the Millennium Dome - which will be filled to the rafters with rampant totty, juiced up and hot to trot for his c...
Read full storyHysteric return for Northern Ireland Assembly
Soremount - (Ass Mess): Police officers in Belfast and in the UK are rubbing their hands with glee as the new power-sharing government of DUP leader Ian Paisley and Sinn Fein's Martin McGuinness took office today just days ahead of a 18 year inve...
Read full storyHBO Executive Wins Fight With Girl Friend at MGM Grand
Las Vegas - Chris Albrecht, head Of HBO defeated his girlfriend in a fight in the parking lot at the MGM Grand hotel.
Read full story22 Lies About Liverpool and Chelsea
EVER speedy to react to events, Spadge Dooley has compiled this short, and completely sexed-up dossier on so-called Champions League semi-finalists Liverpool and Chelsea.
Read full storyMichael Douglas returns in Hole in the Wall Street sequel
Hollywood - (Ass Mess): Michael Douglas is to star in a sequel to his Oscar-winning role as Gordon Gekko in Oliver Stone's Wall Street in a specially adapted 21st century version of the cult movie focusing on UK corruption.
Read full storyParis Hilton to host "Cell Make-Over" show!
LA, USA, ABC network officials have admitted that there is a show in the pipeline for the Hilton trollop to record whilst doing stir.
Read full storyQueen Attends Kentucky Derby
The Queen fulfilled one of her lifelong ambitions at the weekend, when she partook of a meal at Kentucky Fried Chicken. Her Majesty had been past outlets on numerous occasions, but had never actually sampled the culi...
Read full storyPaisley and Adams in unlikely accord
The Rev Ian Paisley and Gerry Adams have today announced they intend to further demonstrate their commitment to the Northern Irish peace process by agreeing to take part in a celebrity wife swap.
Read full storySpiderman 3 Flops At The Box Office
The latest instalment in the Spiderman series has flopped at the box office, with cinemas empty all over the country since its release date last Friday. Spiderman 3 completely "bombed" in B...
Read full storyJames Cameron discovers Herod's tomb
Jerusalem - (Ass Mess): Despite universal derision at his 'The Tomb of Jesus' documentary movie director James Cameron is now said to be elated at his latest venture, a film ethnograph of the latest discovery of King Herod's tomb at a si...
Read full storyU.S 'Lower-IQ' Citizens March on Washington in Protest
Seattle, Washington - Thirty-seven thousand 'Lower IQ' citizens from across the country today marched on Washington, to protest what they feel is unfair treatment due to their lower test scores.
Read full storyMan acdcidently Zips Member Sues Zipper Manufacturer For 54 Million
Ft Myers Florida - Stuart Catalonia bought a new pair of pants and wore them to work the next day. When he put the pants on for the first time he noticed that the zipper was operating roughly. He thought nothing of this because in the past the zipper...
Read full storyTom Tom Portable GPS to Release New Model
Tom Tom, makers of the wildly successful personal navigation devices of the same name, announced today they will add a new model to their line of car and motorbike GPS units.
Read full storyOscar De Le Hoya Wins 42 million dollars At Roulette Table
After a few rounds of fighting like a girl, Oscar De La Hoya was soundly defeated by Floyd Mayweather - but the real drama did not start untill the fight was over.
Read full storyAstronomer: How women are ruining the BBC
London - (Ass Mess): Women have ruined the BBC according to Sir Patrick Moore.
Read full storyAncient Artifact Discovered!
An archaeological excavation near Memphis, Tennessee has turned up what appears to be an ancient audio data storage medium and the device used to convert the stored data into audible frequencies.
Read full storyWolfowitz Leaves World Bank To Host Let's Make A Deal
Brussels - In A surprise announcement today, Paul D. Wolfowitz offered to step down from his post at the World Bank, because he has gotten a much more lucrative offer to be the host of a new TV show: "Let's Make a Deal".
Read full story"Mind if I join you?" Skaggy judge asked freed crack dealer OAP
GRANDMOTHER of five, Dorothea Wilberton, has sparked a legal controversy after a judge directed a jury to acquit the 76-year-old of drugs charges after accepting her argument that crack cocaine was 'like a tonic' to her.
Read full storyProzac Monitor Hits Area Drug Stores And Best Buy
Manhattan, NYC, NY - Pharmaceutical Giant Eli Lilly, manufacturer of Prozac, today held a press conference in upper Manhattan to unveil it's much anticipated "Prozac Monitor". This clever yet simple device will be worn by users of the miracle mood-s...
Read full storyQueen tells Bush: "Despite being deposed in 1963 by Churchill & JFK I've managed to blag it"
Washington DC - (Ass Mess): In what has been described as Tony Blair's finest hour of re-inventing seventy years of mobster collusion between US and UK cold war gangster families Queen Elizabeth delivered Downing Street's largest desperate ap...
Read full storyHBO Broadcasts Larry David's Colonoscopy
Hollywood California - In A television broadcasting Coup Chris Albrecht President and Chief executive officer of HBO has inked a contract with famous Seinfeld creator and creative curmudgeon Larry David to Broadcast his colonoscopy live, on HBO.
Read full storyBush and Prince Phillip tied on points after late-night gaffe fest
George Bush is renowned for his inappropriate comments and embarrassing slips of the tongue, but it appears that he has met his match in visiting dignitary, Prince Phillip. First reports on the outcome of last night's gaffe clash had the presiden...
Read full storySir Patrick Moore Speaks From His Uranus
Formerly intelligent stargazer Sir Patrick Moore has today managed to insult half the population of this little planet by claiming that cookery, housekeeping and kitchen-sink drama should be used as "training videos" for the modern woman.
Read full storyQueen Gets The Squirts From Bush White House Bash
Washington DC - Reginald Brewmaster a spokesman for the Queen said that a few hours after, the White house white tie Formal Banquet, thrown by the President and First Lady, she felt some terrible gas pains in her lower abdominal section. Lizzy had to...
Read full storyHelen Mirren Snubs the Queen
Helen Mirren could not make her appointment with the Queen as she was filming in South somewhere or other. Darn it girl, you are in charge here - give yourself a few days leave!! The Queen summoned you and you "couldn't make it". When...
Read full storySpiderman now appeals to Emos
In the new movie Spiderman 3, Spiderman dawns his new suit of black and grey. It has now been revealed that the creators of the movie are targeting Emo audiences using this new look.
Read full storyCorzine Visits Paris Hilton
New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine announced, in his first full day back on the job, that his first act in office would be to visit Paris Hilton in jail.
Read full storyMobs gather to salute Sarkozy's triumph
Thousands of cheering citizens took to the streets on Sunday night to hail the electoral victory of Nicolas Sarkozy. Many of them carried sticks and burned effigies of their hero while shouting "We're all going to hell" and "Bring...
Read full storyPrince William - Heartbreaker
Prince William in an attempt to overshadow his well "eardowed" father Prince Charles, has left "poor" Kate standing "almost" at the alter!...
Read full storyReport Urges Canada Sell Itself Cheap to USA
OTTAWA (AP) - Two has-been conservative political hacks have urged that Canada end all foreign ownership restrictions and sell the rest of its companies cheap to the USA "in order to lick the American boot and become a colony of the USA, or be g...
Read full storyParis "Prison" Hilton
The world is still amazed that Miss Hilton and her well appointed attorneys have not managed to have all the DUI charges dropped. Miss Hilton, dressed in a sensible dark suit, was seen emerging from the court building, quite demure and fully...
Read full storySpiders Found Living In Boy's Ear
An Oregon boy got the shock of his short life so far, when he found spiders living in his ear. Earache, followed by a loud 'popping' sound and a mad scrambling of tiny feet, alerted the boy&#...
Read full storyBush and Queen Elizabeth Trade Insults At Dinner
WASHINGTON (Reuters) - President George Bush and Queen Elizabeth traded insults before astonished guests at the White House on Monday night at a state dinner which was supposed to honor the British monarch near the end of her six-day US visit.
Read full storyLee Strasberg Penitentiary Opens In Hollywood Hills
Hollywood California - Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa unveiled a new penitentiary Located not far from the Hollywood sign in the Hollywood hills. Because so many Actors and celebrities are being sentenced to hard jail time the jail will be in a convenien...
Read full storyVoters Agree with Bush... No Constitution
CCN (Crazy Cal News) - "The Internets" - Voters seem to be siding with Bush as Cal-el slides down the polls in the presidential vote on U4prez.com. Once ranked at 7 in the Independent category, he is now rated at 6.8461. This is clearly an...
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