"Mind if I join you?" Skaggy judge asked freed crack dealer OAP

Funny story written by Spadge Dooley Esquire

Tuesday, 8 May 2007

image for "Mind if I join you?" Skaggy judge asked freed crack dealer OAP
Wilberton - Just after her morning pick-me-up

GRANDMOTHER of five, Dorothea Wilberton, has sparked a legal controversy after a judge directed a jury to acquit the 76-year-old of drugs charges after accepting her argument that crack cocaine was 'like a tonic' to her.

Judge Mortimer Princip is to be investigated by the Lord Chancellor's strangely-garbed legal investigators after the case at Luton Crown Court ended in a skagged up farce.

Mrs Wilberton was arrested by Lutonshire Police in January of this year after neighbours complained the retired librarian was 'Selling herself on the streets like an Amsterdam crack whore'.

In fact, they were close to the truth, and Mrs Wilberton has never denied the Dutch lady of the night allegations made against her.

Instead she insists there are sound medical reasons for her massive intake of illegal pharmaceuticals - many of which she now bakes into biscuits, cakes and preserves and shares with elderly pals in her Granslaughter Club.

"My client was introduced to drugs by her Grandson, known now as Tigger," said Mrs Wilberton's solicitor Trainee Gravy. "She has never hidden the fact that she uses them and, in fact, has gone out of her way to be as obvious as possible.

"This prosecution was not malicious, but my client has never profited from drug dealing nor committed any other offence."

Mrs Wilberton told the court how a visit from her new age traveller grandson had opened her eyes.

"He left a few bits and pieces lying around and when he asked what they were he said they were like vitamins," she said. "Since my retirement I've struggled with depression and motivation, so I thought I'd give this a go. It's lovely."

Police told the Luton jury that Wilberton's drug use had escalated over a period of time.

"It's incredible," Sergeant Peter Nullis, told he court. "She starts each day with rocks of crack cocaine after her breakfast, when she used to have a cup of coffee, she calls it her pick-me-up.

"During the afternoon she smokes the highest grades of skunk marijuana, before returning to crack after dinner and winding down at the end of the day on heroin."

Mrs Wilberton remains unrepentant, saying her friends are now all supporters of 'these marvellous modern treatments'.

Judge Princip may find himself collecting a pension too after his summing up and directions to the jury.

"Fuck it," the 88-year-old said. "I'm not going to lock up a granny, now am I?

"After all, we all like a bit of pharacalogical action - I'm high on opium now and I'll chase the dragon after court to help me wind down."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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