Washington DC - (Ass Mess): In what has been described as Tony Blair's finest hour of re-inventing seventy years of mobster collusion between US and UK cold war gangster families Queen Elizabeth delivered Downing Street's largest desperate apologia for screwing up over the 'special relationship' which Churchill and Roosevelt had to temporarily band-aid over when King George VI, his wife Queen Elizabeth and eldest daughter Princess Elizabeth all tragically died in the September 1940 Lutfwaffe bombing of Buckingham Palace.
The speech was hastily translated for UN Security Council members who had been briefed at the weekend that NATO action on the Blair kleptocracy would be imminent on the Queen's return to Blighty later this week.
Rising from her five course dinner last night Elizabeth toasted the UK's friendship with the United States and thanked the Bush family crime cartel for continuing its slash and burn policy of concealment:
"I have somehow managed to survive despite being officially deposed as monarch in 1963 when NATO, Sir Winston Churchill and President John F Kennedy all agreed that my stand-role of impersonating George VI's eldest daughter was toast.
"Thankfully, with your help Mr President, we soon saw off THAT cunning ploy by US Democrats!
"The 22 November 1963 incident on the grassy knoll was a class act and my personal gratitude to your rifle shooting skills has been boundless ever since.
"Administrations in your country and governments in mine may come and go, but talk we will, listen if we really have to, disagree whenever things look really bad for us, and unite whenever the press or NATO threatens to out us as descendants of Joseph Stalin, Adolf Hitler and Pius XII.
"I grew up in the knowledge that the very survival of our fascist mobster cartels was bound up in that vital wartime alliance forged by Winston Churchill and President Roosevelt who asked me to stand in temporarily and impersonate the deceased Princess Elizabeth while the Allies fought to come up with a way of telling British voters about the Buck House bombing that wiped out their King, Queen and heir presumptive.
"Of course everybody knew it was supposed to be a temporary measure, a piece of sticking plaster during the nation's darkest hour.
"But we have certainly managed to get some mileage out of it, and it's all down to you and the turf wars that seeded our many relatives into global positions of power and influence.
"In recent years, sadly, both our nations have suffered grievously at the hands of international terrorism which we hired as mercenary help to maintain the whitewash of the House of Mountbatten.
"I have ensured that you pesonally got off the hook for knocking off JFK - and thus saved my own ass - by a selfless career devoted to recruitment of assorted IRA-presumed thugs to infiltrate the security and intelligence services, Whitehall, the Ministry of Defense and every law enforcement agency outside the United Kingdom.
"My time may now be short. The cash-for-peerages probe in London has virtually sealed my fate, the fate of most of the House of Mountbatten and the colluding forces of government front benches all the way back to Harold MacMillan and Jackie Kennedy on your side of the Atlantic.
"Your fate depends largely on what that cussed Special Prosecutor Patrick FitzGerald has up his sleeve.
"I sincerely hope that you, Mr Cheney and Mr Rove have a sensible exit strategy planned because I simply have run out of ideas and can no longer shield the Poodles of Drowning Street.
"God Bless America!"