U.S. Citizenship Granted to All Mexican Nationals
Breaking News! President George W. Bush has just announced that he signed an executive order that grants U.S. citizenship to all Mexican nationals. That is ALL Mexican nationals, including those who are still in Mexico.
Read full storyNine Year Old In Cash For Honours Scandal
A nine year old girl in Berlin has been arrested by Interpol and is now being questioned by British detectives regarding the cash for honours scandal which almost broke Tony Blair.
Read full storyParis Hilton 'ripe for Scientology detox'
California - (Ass Mess): Attorneys acting for disconsolate wannabe somebody Paris Hilton are considering a last-ditch appeal against their client's custodial sentence imposed for DUI sentence violations following negotiations for the peroxide sla...
Read full storyDr Martens promo falls flat as relatives say loved ones 'wouldn't be seen dead' in their footwear
New York - (Ass Mess): A Saatchi & Saatchi poster ad campaign promoting Dr Martens boots has fallen flat on its face as relatives of deceased icons who are portrayed wearing the footwear in heaven poured scorn on their loved ones 'ever being seen...
Read full storySmoking Ban Causes People to Light-Up
The Scottish smoking ban, instituted on 26 March 2006, has been proven to actually cause people to take up the habit.
Read full storyEd-E-torial 14: Britney Spears Meets Elvis.
(New York--NY) Welcome Dear Friends and Respected Enemies and, yes, you too George Bush. It's Ed-E-torial #14. Or as we like to call it: "The one where we introduce you to the REAL man behind George W. Bush." Sorry to reveal it, George.
Read full storyAustralian Big Brother In 'Stinky Undercrackers' Row
The Australian version of Big Brother is in hot water today, after producers on the programme decided not to tell one of the contestants that she was taking part in a reality TV show.
Read full storyRon Paul Surges in Polls
Ron Paul is gaining in opinion polls in key states in the presidential GOP nomination race for 2008.
Read full storyTrades Descriptions Hits Bands Hard
A Bill is about to get its third and final reading in the Commons next week which could affect many of our up and coming British rock music groups.
Read full storyDo Not Bend: Erectile Dysfunction Mystery Solved!
Gravity can be the wait of the world for many men, often not discussed because of the sensitive nature of the tissue. Bearing the burden of a heavy proof, erectile dysfunction (ED) is nothing more than a classical mechanical engineering problem, says a US urologist.
Read full storyBritney Spears Denies Phillippe Rumor; It Was Ellen DeGeneres
Britney Spears did not "hook up" with Ryan Phillippe, according to her publicist, Leslie Sloane: "The gossip columnists were just plain wrong."...
Read full storyAIPAC Boasts It Has Occupied the US Government
WASHINGTON (Reuters) - The Executive Director of AIPAC Howard Kohr has announced that his organization has nearly completely occupied the US Government with its Zionist stooges, in AIPAC's latest annual report.
Read full storyDickens Theme Park Hopes to Attract American Visitors
A new £62 million theme park is being built in Chatham Maritime in Kent on a Dickensian theme in the hope of attracting foreign visitors in the same way that Fawlty Towers drew tourists into the Torquay area in the 1980's.
Read full storyMasturbation is Officially Recognised as "Self-Medication"
Following the case of a US man who is suing IBM for $5m in a wrongful dismissal case after he was fired for visiting adult internet chat rooms while at work, masturbation will now be reclassified as "self-medication."...
Read full storyChina Sends First Wave of Killer Bananas
A vicious rumour spread by text message has badly hit the price of bananas from China's Hainan island.The messages claim the fruit contains viruses similar to Sars, a severe respiratory illness.
Read full storyMen Prefer to Use The Backdoor
A pointless survey carried out by some market reasearchers has shown that more and more British men prefer to use the back door rather than the front. Research showed a twenty percent increase in males under twenty using the back door on last year.
Read full storyAl Qaeda ready for prisoner swap - Angelina Jolie for who ever you want!
DUBAI (Root Ours) - A purported leader of al Qaeda in Afghanistan said in a statement posted on the Internet on Friday that his organisation was willing to exchange prisoners with Britain and other Western countries.
Read full storySchumer Treated for Lime Disease After Dick Bite
Washington DC - (Ass Mess): New York Democrat Senator Charles Schumer has been treated in hospital for Lime disease after being bitten by Dick Cheney during a recent incident when he took a post-prandial nap in the Senate's lounge.
Read full storyNew Tests Raise Doubts About JFK Assassin
Houston, Texas - (Ass Mess): New forensic analysis of the...
Read full storyNight goggles used to catch pirates pirating pirate copies of new pirate movie, in Malaysia.
KUALA LUMPUR (World ASS' Press) - Malaysian cinemas have found a powerful new weapon in their fight against movie pirates, military-style night-vision goggles.
Read full story'Pure instinct' lured Depp to Pirates
Hollywood - (Ass Mess): "I guess it was just basic instinct!" was Johnny Depp's verdict today on what led him to pursue a offer to star in Disney's Pirates...
Read full storyGeorge Clooney naked and unashamed!
Cannes - Euro ASS Press: - Brad Pitt and George Clooney had a late night game of poker yesterday whilst having some down time from doing the rounds at the Cannes Film Festival and it all ended in jeers, from Brad that is!...
Read full storyMotorways to have cycle lanes
As a result of growing pressure from environmental groups to reduce carbon dioxide emissions, transport minister Dr Stephen Ladyman has announced plans to create cycle lanes on the whole of the UK's motorway network.
Read full storyBono Collects Medal, Punches Goat
U2 frontman Bono caused a media furore by repeatedly punching a remote African town's only goat during a live broadcast at the Liberty Medal awards announcement.
Read full storyMagpies Sold - Michael Owen Sacked!
Mike Ashley, a billionaire businessman, has secured an underhand deal with Sir John Hall for a controlling stake in Newcastle United Football Club and has sacked Michael Owen in his first action as majority shareholder.
Read full storyBlair Will Not Take Brown Up the EU
Tony Blair has announced that he will not be taking Gordon Brown to negotiations on the European constitution.
Read full storyPick Before the Queen
A man has been charged for having a pick near the Queen. The man was arrested Friday after having a pick prior to the Queen walking about in an uninterested way in Yorkshire.
Read full storyNorth Korea fires short-range missiles at invading sea.
TOKYO (Rootass) - North Korea fired several short-range missiles towards the Sea of Japan on Friday morning, Kyodo news agency said, quoting Japanese and U.S. officials.
Read full storyBig Bigoted Brother.
Following criticism of Last year's Celebirity Big Brother show when Shilpa Shetty was unfairly insulted by another fat woman whose name escapes me, Tv programme makers are to screen a version of the show.
Read full storyShamanic George Bush has new premonitions.
WASHINGTOWN (Rootass) - President George W. Bush on Thursday predicted a bloody summer in Iraq for U.S. troops and Iraqi civilians as insurgents step up attacks, while a divided U.S. Congress approved funds for the u...
Read full storyBush To Sell Big Issue For Iraq War
It Has been suggested that George W Bush is set to hit the streets of Baghdad this summer promoting sales of the magazine for the homeless magazine for the homeless, The Big Issue.
Read full storyMore new evidence in Cutty Sark case.
A forensic examination of the remains of the Cutty Sark damaged by fire has failed to establish how it started.
Read full storyOh oh! Shilpa Shetty's Back In Town
Bollywood babe, Shilpa Shetty, has roared back into the public consciousness and has once more become embroiled in the Big Brother racism row. Miss Shetty told us: "This is fabulous that it's been raked up again because quite frankly I'd droppe...
Read full storyGordon Brown pledge to tackle bullies
Gordon Brown is to call for tougher action to tackle bullying in The House of Commons.
Read full storyDemands for 'church abuse' probe
Victims in church abuse cases involving Church of England churches are calling for further investigations into possible similar offences in the past.
Read full storyElton John Goes On Gay Crusade Up North
In a stunt geared towards gaining publicity for the 2010 football World Cup, which may be staged in England, Sir Elton John, the well-known homo, will play a concert at the stadium where the Final would be held,
Read full storyJolie and Brad on personal crusade to end all racism forever; genetic engineers sought to take it a step up
Cannes, France - At the Cannes red carpet premiere of her latest movie, A Mighty Heart, Jolie announced she intends to take a year off from acting to raise her new family and jokingly added, putting the baby making business in the more than capable h...
Read full storyAngry atheists to sue God
PHILADELPHIA, PENN. - A prominent atheist has apparently had enough of religious wars, superstition, and mystical propaganda and has decided to do something about it by suing God himself. Christopher Hitchens, author of the new best selling book,...
Read full storyLondon Looney Left Council issue Blind Dog with sighted human carer
Political correctness and Animal rights were taken to the extreme today when an unemployed Lesbian mother of 3 was given community health and disability funding by her local Council to appoint a full time human carer for her partially sighted Rotweil...
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