Breaking News! President George W. Bush has just announced that he signed an executive order that grants U.S. citizenship to all Mexican nationals. That is ALL Mexican nationals, including those who are still in Mexico.
Calling the action "the smartest thing I've ever done", a jubilant President Bush danced around the Oval Office for several hours, while stunned aides look on. First Lady Laura Bush sat alone in the corner, apparently trying to distance herself from the Commander in Chief.
Vice President Dick Cheney, who had reportedly been urging the president to invade Mexico, said that he is pleased with the Bush immigration plan. "This is absolutely brilliant. I wish I'd thought of it. We have, in effect, conquered Mexico without a firing a single shot. Without a single casualty! If Vietnam had been like this, I would have volunteered in a heartbeat. To hell with deferments! I want to be a war hero!"
Conservative pundit Pat Buchanan said that the Bush plan is tantamount to amnesty for illegal aliens. He went on to suggest that the president should submit to a urinary analysis to check for the presence of illicit drugs. "The man has gone way beyond stupid", Buchanan said. "He has to be on something."