Nursing Home for Aging Muslims Takes on New Meaning
The Al Sukh en'Ip Home for the Aged has taken a recent fatwa, or religious edict, by Al-Azhar University cleric Ezzat Attiya and extended it to the care of its residents.
Read full storyBorat hires Larry Birkhead's lawyer as Mary Cheney gives mirth to son
Washington DC - (Ass Mess): Kazakhstani actor Mr Borat has hired paternity lawyers who represented Californian photographer Larry Birkhead in his custody suit for Anna Nicole Smith's baby Dannielynn following today's news that Dick Cheney'...
Read full storyPrincess Di concert cancelled after massive black hole appears
Hyde Park - (Ass Mess): The July 1st Hyde Park rock concert that was due to cash in on Princess Diana has been cancelled.
Read full storyGas Prices
Can you believe these gas price's for crying out loud i need a second job just to afford the gas to get to the first one!...
Read full storyRudy Giuliani Refuses to Read Ron Paul Books
WASHINGTON (AP) - Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul was dismayed to discover that Rudy Giuliani will maintain his foreign policy ignorance and refuses to read the books recommended by Paul.
Read full storyAmerikan Standard Set To Release New "Frontal Buttock Friendly" Urinals
Piscataway, NJ, (FP) - Amerikan Standard, owned by the Amerikas Bath and Kitchen Group, which encompasses the United States, Canada and Mexico, is set to release new "Frontal Buttock Friendly" Urinals in late 2008.
Read full storyManchester United players urged not to appeal
Social scientists have warned Manchester United stars past and present to stop making appeals for missing children, as they have been found to have negative consequences.
Read full storyThe late Cole Porter finally gets a star on Hollywood Walk of Fame
Hollywood, California - Forty-three years after his death, Cole Porter, who wrote over 1,500 songs for the movie and television industry in his lifetime, just got his Star on the on the Hollywood Walk of Fame this week.
Read full storyJews Sell Out to Soros
In a surprise move, the Jews sold their controlling interest in the International Financial Conspiracy to George Soros.
Read full storyRon Paul Joins Hillary in Call for Withdrawal from Iowa
Ron Paul, the most prominent anti-war candidate among the Republicans running for 2008, today joined Hillary Clinton in her call for a complete withdrawal of presidential campaigns from Iowa.
Read full storyMary Cheney Gives Birth to Hal Burton
Dick Cheney's daughter, Mary, has given birth to a baby boy whom she is planning to bring up with her long-time lesbian partner, Heather Poe.
Read full storyDisturbance In The Force Turns Out To Be Gas
DEATH STAR (Galactic Press) -- What he first identified as a "disturbance in the Force" turned out to be nothing but gas, a sheepish Darth Vader admitted yesterday afternoon.
Read full storyNSPD52, Bush To Answer All Questions, Inquiries With Retail Store's "Easy" Button
Washington DC, (FP) - President Bush, on the heels of National Security Presidential Directives (NSPD) 51, which gives the president sole power of the universe in the event of an undefined catastrophe, signed a new directive into power today, without...
Read full storyMonica Goodling to pose nude in Playboy special section: Beltway Babes
Inspired by her testimony before Congress, Playboy editors have reached an agreement with former Justice Department attorney Monica Goodling to feature her in a section highlighting women of Washington D.C. sans clothes.
Read full storyClinton Wants New Cabinet to Combat Government Waste
Des Moines, Iowa - Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton (D-NY), Candidate for the Democratic Party Presidential nomination, told an audience of war veterans in this mostly conservative city in the heartlands, that if she were elected President she would cr...
Read full storyHoward and Mugabe, Sitting in a Tree, Both Condemned by Am-nes-ty
Australian Prime Minister John Howard has very publicly condemned the rule of Zimbabwean president Robert Mugabe labeling him a "grubby dictator". Howard has even gone so far as to prevent his beloved Australian cricket team from playing a...
Read full storyCutty Sark arson sparks Royal Yacht Britannia 'Pirates' fears
Edinburgh - (Ass Mess): This week's torching of the iconic 19th century clipper the Cutty Sark has led to fears that disgruntled movie watchers sickened by the pitiful 'Pirates of the Caribbean: The World's End' rehash may try to tras...
Read full storyIran not interested in nuclear weapons
TEHRAN - Iran is no longer interested in developing nuclear weapons, according to sources at the the International Atomic Energy Agency. Farouht Keck, a spokesman for the UN's nuclear watchdog, stated that, "based on our analysis, Iran coul...
Read full storyIraq Insurgents Dispute Osama Timetable, Funding
The Iraq War showed another twist today when Al Jazeera reported an internal dispute within the insurgents.
Read full storyWesterner In Gun Battle At Thai Market
Police in Thailand have exchanged shots with a man during a gun battle that "got out of hand" at a market in Bangkok. The market, selling mainly fruit, dried cuttlefish and other junk, was left in tatters,...
Read full storyCutty Sark arson cops probe 'Pirates' link
Greenwich - (Ass Mess): Police officers investigating the torching of the Cutty Sark are following up new leads that a renegade gang of disgruntled 'Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End' movie watchers set fire to the 19th century cli...
Read full storyVaughan still fit despite loss of movement
ENGLAND will take to the field against West Indies on Friday with Michael Vaughan at the helm - in full body scaffold and iron lung.
Read full storyLampard fights with self - transfer auction sparked by split soccer ace
MENTALLY troubled Premiership ace Frank 'Lamps' Lampard has quit Barcelona just days after revealing he couldn't play alongside himself at Chelsea any more. Lampard set off for the Camp Nou hoping that the absence of himself from the line-up at th...
Read full storyTom Cruise 'apoplectic' at rent boy porno stunt
California - (Ass Mess): Actor Tom Cruise is said to be hopping mad today after an eighteen year old male hooker and fledeling porno star changed his name to Torn Cruise and pledged to lose his virginity in a live internet webcast.
Read full storyDogs charged with perverting course of justice
HELENSBURGH (Cheuchters) - Strathclyde Police have charged two dogs with perverting the course of justice. DCI Helen Back stated the charge related to the devouring of a crime scene.
Read full storyJohn Howard Hits Woman With Car, Won't Say Sorry
Australian Prime Minister John Howard has today hit a young aboriginal woman with his car. However, he has adamantly refused to apologize to the young woman who remains in intensive care.
Read full storySinister Wheelie Bins to Spy on General Public
New sinister black wheelie bins will be given new powers to spy on members of the public.
Read full storySave farts or face a fine and "pay as you throw up" tax!
Families face a new "pay as you throw" tax on rubbish under proposals to be unveiled by the Government.
Read full storyBig, Fat, Lesbian, Rosie, Attacks Poor, Christian, Elizabeth
The fur and claws were flying Wednesday on the daytime talk show, The View, Joy Behar came up with a list of all the stupid things the Bush administration has done to date, stating, "former President Jimmy Carter and former Vice President Al Gor...
Read full storyLiverpool Fan Now Needs Corrective Sugery
A crackpot joker Liverpool FC fanatic who paid £40,000 to have a sixth finger added to his hand now wants the NHS to pay for the corrective surgery to have it removed.
Read full storyControl Orders not working, spanking to follow!
Home Secretary John Reid has been accused of endangering the public as police continue to hunt three terror suspects on control orders who have absconded.
Read full storyBlair Meets Pope to Beg Forgiveness
Downing Street announced today that Tony Blair will be travelling to the Vatican to meet the Pope before standing down as Prime Minister next month.
Read full storyBush says Iraqi Oil is at the Center of Terror Fight
WASHINGTON (Reuters) -- President George Bush portrayed the "War on Terror" as a fight to grab Iraqi oil on Wednesday, and added that Osama bin Laden was just a bogeyman.
Read full storyMcDonalds Miss The Point of Oxford English Dictionary
Food chain MacDonalds have today completely missed the point of the Oxford English Dictionary. A dictionary defines the use of words in English, a point which senior executives have simply failed to grasp.
Read full storyGeorge Bush Claims he is Adolf Hitler
WASHINGTON (AP) - George Bush now claims he is the reincarnation of Adolf Hitler, and has realized this boyhood dream of becoming dictator with his new Presidential Directives which he released on May 9.
Read full storyLiverpool Fans Stranded On Merseyside By "Plane Problems"
There was disappointment yesterday for 148 Liverpool football fans hoping to fly to the Champions League final in Athens, when the plane they were due to fly out to Greece on was stolen from John Lennon airport.
Read full storyNew York Taxis To "Go Green"
In an effort to cut air pollution and tackle climate change, plans have been announced for New York's famous yellow taxis to "go green". The carbon footprint of Native New Yorke...
Read full storyRon Paul Allowed To Continue With Exception
Washington, DC (FP) - Ron Paul allowed to continue in the GOP debates "so long as he permanently wears a bull's-eye on his back" reported the GOP Tuesday.
Read full storyLesbian scare tempts wrath of Allah
LONDON-- The Guardian online news source is apologizing today after a typo in a recent headline set off a flurry of anger and confusion during a tense time in Northern Lebanon yesterday. Muslim clerics and Palestinian leaders were in an uproar ove...
Read full storyWhy MUST I put the toilet seat down?
She won't put it back up for me! It seems every woman I have ever dated, lived with, or even met have this "thing" about putting the toilet seat down. It transcends races, religions, National Origins and cultures. It is one peeve that holds all women of the world together.
Read full storyFaux News Anchor Airlifted From Station
GREENVILLE, GA. (FP)- A local Faux news anchor, Maya Butreek, was airlifted to a local hospital after dislocating her neck while delivering a story about new red light cameras installed near the local station.
Read full storyMary Cheney became pregnant by parthenogenesis; global warming to blame?
Frostbite Falls (Spoof News) Mary Cheney, daughter of Vice President Dick Cheney, gave birth today to an 8 and a half pound baby boy.
Read full storyJ.K. Rowling Has Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Classified Top Secret
(Crappers USA) J.K. Rowling is taking no chances to keep her book Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows completely classified as top secret. The American book publisher has bought large acres of land and places it into high security like Area 51, the...
Read full storyJuneau residents fear global warming could result in Baked Alaska
Juneau, Alaska - (Ass Mess): Global warming fears are preying on the minds of Juneau residents after four torrid weeks of big oil graft-peddlers Corrupt Bastards Club headlines which exposed the bribing force behind state legislators preaching climat...
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