Spoof news snippets from Friday 20 January 2012
Arsene Wenger predicts tight game with Manchester United
I'm having a bet on United to win 8-2 again just in case...
Sudan police close down two national newspapers.
Did they get the idea from News International?
Sex scene plays behind presenter on late night STV show
In an unrelated story, Angus Deayton has applied for a job with STV.
Next Britain's Got Talent winners will go into space says Cowell
Yeah, but will they stay there?
News International admit to email hacking as well
It's carrier pigeons all the way for me in future.
News International pay out to 37 in phone hacking claims
If they wanted to give money away they should have started a lottery like Daily Express (and Star) owner Richard Desmond.
Lindsay Lohan sues over hooker claims.
Imagine booking a prostitute and Lindsay Lohan turned up.
Now that would be a freaky friday.
OJ Simpson 'secret father of Khloe Kardashian'
You read it here first! Well National Enquirer first, and the spoof second.
Kerry Katona wants a job in the Rovers Return (Coronation St)
Come on, I know he's a fictional character, but even Steve McDonald doesn't deserve that.
The only wail is essex...
Harry Derbridge (no, me neither) cried for an hour when he heard he'd been axed from tv show The Only Way Is Essex.
On the plus side, Essex won't need a hosepipe ban this year.
Blackburn tell Samba he has to stay until summer
I didn't know they had a summer in Blackburn?
Denise Welch regrets going naked in big brother bathtub
Babestation have issued a statement
"don't call us love we'll call you"
Denise Welch goes naked in hot-tub on Celeb big brother
Next week she's off on holiday with Rihanna. Watch this space
(or twitter and twitpic to be more precise)
Rihana posts her holiday bikini pictures on twitter
Well I suppose it's quicker than a postcard.
370,000 migrants wrongly paid benefits
Yeah, but on the bright side they'll all pay it back... wont they?
HSBC pledge £15bn in mortgage lending
I only popped in to use the ATM.
Salman Rushdie skips Jaipur Lit Fest after warning of assassination attempt
A Fatwa is for life not just for Christmas.
Gingrich Addresses Same-Sex Marriage in Latest Debate
'Marriage should be between a man and a woman and a woman!'
China Buys Large Steak In Thames Water.
Yuck, I hope they don't add it to one of their menus it must be well off by now!
'Extinct For Years' Monkey Found!
That's funny, I thought he had been Director General of the BBC all these years??
Woman Claims Ship's Captain Did 'Great Thing'
A Moldovan sexpot, Domnica Cemortan claims Captain of striken 'Costa' did great things, 'e' giva me a gooda seeing to in one offer da lafaboats' !.."yes, dear but will he ever call or write again?"
Boris Johnson calls Brit youth a bunch of "lazy buggars!"
Fab mayor of London, Boris Johnson, has called British youths a bunch of lazy buggars, old Bean. They promptly gave posh Boris their thoughts, "get on your bike you fat, snobby bastard, literally!"
"The Artist" to Have Sequel
The award-winning silent film, "The Artist" is to have a sequel. It is the story of an incontinent silent movie star. The film will be called the P*** Artist.
Facebook may Join Google & Wikipedia in Protest
Facebook could join Google & Wikipedia in the protest against online piracy. It is feared that chaos will ensue as people will not know when John is making a cup of tea, or Pippa is having a shower.
Vicar Converts Shed Into Brothel
"I used to keep garden tools and spare cassocks in the shed but now it's a thriving rub and tug shop and I'm pimping for 6 bitches! I cant wait to tell the bishop!"
Escape from New York
Now that President Obama has sang Karaoke at the Apollo in New York? I suppose their will be more New Yorker's trying to get escape with the Duke more than ever and I don't mean John Wayne ?
I Love New York
That's right I love New York as long as it stays where it is and leave the Pace Picante sauce here out West? Keep Manhattan just give me that countryside?
Live and Let Die ?
We all know that Horse Manure means HS,and Steer Manure means BS, but was does BO have to do with any of US to Solo Mio Karaoke at the Apollo in the first place? Something smells in Denmark?
Oooops I Did It Again ?
Did I just say the " O - word," at the Apollo? Heck and my name isn't even Kramer from Seinfeld? You all should hear me do "Camptown Ladies?" He rode a Blazing Saddle and wore a Shining Star ?
President Obama Does Karaoke
The President at a fund-raiser at the Apollo in Harlem,NY. Tried his hand on a little Karaoke song of old Al Green's"Let's stay together?" Thank God he didn't have Kramer's Heckler in the audience ?
Bumper Christmas For Oxfam Shops
Oxfam charity shops have reported their best Festive trading ever with profits soaring by 11%...but it has come at a price, The British Heart Foundation are said to have called in the Administrators!!
McCartney in Talks About Olympics Games role.
Sir Paul McCartney having secret talks regarding his potential role in the Olympic Games. Paul said, he did not mind doing the roles providing he could have ham and cheese ones?
6.4% Of Benefit Claimants Born Abroad
371,000 foreign claimants receiving UK benefits (and the rest) according to 'Government' figures.....funny that, I thought the darlings were nicking all the crap 'low paid' long hour British jobs??
Week holiday to Majorca is £264 cheaper than Devon... according to Thomas Cook
"Weeks holiday?... what's that then? - oh I remember!"
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