Spoof news snippets from January 2012
There were 733 spoof news snippets published in January 2012. A selection of the best rated snippets is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
Both Go Hand-In-Hand So To Speak
The Australian government is reporting that the tremendous decline in the emu population is also causing a huge decline in laughter.
The KKK Is Now Outsourcing
The Ku Klux Klan is reporting that due to a tightening of their budget they will be outsourcing their corporate paperwork to the African country of Upper Shambutu.
LeAnn Rimes Eats Like A Hummingbird
LeAnn Rimes, who reportedly weighs 63 pounds, has been signed to star in a new television reality cooking show called Making Fantastic Meals For Just Under $2.
The Most Amazing Stray Cat In The World
Animal shelter workers in San Francisco were skeptical about a stray cat that reportedly traveled all the way from Japan. The skepticism vanished once they heard the cat meowing in Japanese.
The Arizona Weight Doctors Are Getting Kinda Carried Away
The Medical Agency in Tucson is asking weight doctors to be more careful after two liposuction cases result in one woman having an eardrum sucked out and another having her tonsils sucked out.
Burger King - The Hamburger Innovator In Home Delivery
Taking a cue from Burger King, who has just introduced their new home delivery called Whoppers on Wheels, Starbucks will soon be unveiling its new Frappuccino Via FedEx.
People Are Starting To Take "Things" Into Their Own Hands
The American Medical Association says that due to the high unemployment rate they are seeing a tremendous increase in do-it-yourself operations for vasectomies, tubal ligations, and breast augmentations.
Walmart - The Proven Leader In Shopping Innovations
Walmart in an effort to cut back on expenses has decided to reduce its number of shopping carts by 20 percent. They plan to air commercials asking shoppers to please share carts with other shoppers.
The Lyrics Are Causing A Bit of A Problem
The Country Music Industry says that in order to try and project a more stable environment it's asking its writers to please cut back on using the words cheatin', drinkin', and spittin'.
President Obama Is A Wonderful Presidential Dad
President Obama and his family will be visiting Disney World and he remarked that the three kids are really going to have a ball, especially the big kid, Joey Biden.
Joan "The Moan" Rivers Can Chew 'Em Up and Spit 'Em Out!
Chelsea Handler remarked that her recent meltdown was brought on by the fact that Joan Rivers said that she has all the charm and personality of a Preparation H Suppository.
What No Rhino or Hippo?
I'm kinda thinking that the very first person who ever said the cliché, "The elephant in the room" had to have been associated with either the circus or else was a jungle native.
The World's Most Popular Misnamed Fish
Contrary to popular belief, jellyfish do not contain any jelly whatsoever, they do however contain an ever so slight amount of peanut butter.
Reverend Al Sharpton Speaks Out Again
After hearing that Wikipedia had gone black, Reverend Al Sharpton got all huffy and remarked that the proper term is African-American.
Let's See Now, What's That Saying?
A man in Detroit who kept getting lemons handed to him by life has reportedly OD'd on lemonade.
Ron Paul Is Good At Spotting The Difference
Ron Paul, who is perhaps the cleverest of all of the GOP candidates, said that the only difference between Mitt Romney and a department store mannequin is that the mannequin does not have any hair.
Pakistan Has Put Its Foot Down
Karachi, Pakistan is putting an end to its weekend elephant races after it was discovered that two of the elephants tested positive for alcohol.
Jon Huntsman Makes A Very Good Linguistic Point
Jon Huntsman says that another reason why he should be elected president is because he already speaks Chinese, which within 5 years will become the second language of most Americans.
Alec Baldwin Could Soon Become A "Non-Flyer"
Alec Baldwin has been banned by yet a third airline. If this keeps up he may end up having to travel from Los Angeles to New York City by Greyhound Bus.
The Expert From Paris, France
Authorities in Idaho have reported that they have broken up a counterfeit potato ring. The group was caught thanks to the diligent work of one of the world's leading French Fry investigators.
Mitt Romney Is A Whole Lot Richer Than He $ays
Mitt Romney is so rich that he hires gardeners who have their own gardeners.
Mitt Romney Gets Another Endorsement
And yet another noted individual has endorsed Mitt Romney. Charles Manson said he hopes Mitt is elected president because he knows that he'll let him out of prison because he told him so in a dream.
Mitt Romney Has A "Short" Fuse
Mitt Romney was quite upset after winning the New Hampshire primary after Ron Paul pointed out that New Hampshire is a very small state. Romney looked at Paul and said "So what's your point Shorty?"
They Say It's No Laughing Matter
Arizona has stated that they are banning the fad of binge tickling on all of its university campuses. They said that the loud laughing was making residents of New Mexico very nervous.
The GOP Presidential Debates Are Now In Reruns
Well it has now become official. The GOP Presidential Debates are even more boring than those tacky All-State "Mayhem" commercials.
Rep. Barney Frank Clears Up The Rumor
Rep. Barney Frank says that the rumor that he wants to adopt Clay Aiken is false. He then added that it's Adam Lambert that he wants to adopt.
Michele Bachmann Is Once Again A Very Happy Female
Michele Bachmann says she is happy that she decided to drop out of the Republican race because now she no longer has to answer any questions on her silly-as-hell looking hairdo.
Khloe Kardashian Will Be Starring In Yet Another Show
Khloe Kardashian, who at 5-foot-10-inches tall really does not resemble any of her sisters at all, has agreed to appear in a new reality game show called, Okay, Try To Guess Who My Real Daddy Is?
The FBI Is Looking Into Traces of DNA
The U.S. Government said the unmanned drone that crash landed in Arizona did not come from Pakistan as had been originally believed. Reports are that it came from either Bolivia or the South Pole.
President Bush Simply Shook His Head In Astonishment
It has just been revealed that Dubai was going to be renamed Dubya in honor of President George Bush but the idea was dropped when his mother Barbara Bush wrote a letter of protest.
Seeing is "BeeLieving"
Bee experts say that honeybees actually have hair on their eyes which explains why some people have actually found little itty bitty curlers in their jars of honey.
Mitt Romney And His $10,000 Bets
Mitt Romney reportedly bet Rick Perry $10,000 that John Huntsman will be the next GOP presidential candidate to drop out of the race.
The DEA Said That It Gave It The Good Old Boy Try
The U.S. DEA (Drug Enforcement Administration's) new drug sniffing cow has not worked out due to the fact that it keeps stampeding.
The Occupy Wall Street Movement Welcomes Everyone
The oldest Occupy Wall Street protester is 97-years-old. When he was asked why he is protesting he replied, "Why is who protesting what?"
It Does Take A Lot To Impress Michelle Obama's Hubby
The word is that President Obama was not really too impressed with Disney World and is considering selling it to China for $900,000.
Rick Perry Will Finally Be Able To Get Back To His Main Priority
Rick Perry says that now that he has dropped out of the GOP presidential race he will have a lot more time to get back to carry out his 'executions' which he has kinda been ignoring a bit.
Sarah Palin - The Wilderness Queen of Alaska Is Getting Itchy
Sarah Palin texted Bill O'Reilly and said if he can convince Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, Ron Paul, and Rick Santorum to drop out of the GOP race she may consider coming back to America and running.
You Cannot Pull Nothing Over On Sarah "Snowflake" Palin
Nancy Pelosi recently stated that Florida was bigger than England. Sarah Palin wanting to show her geographical expertise added, "And China is bigger than Connecticut."
President Obama Has Found Another Way To Save Money
President Obama has announced that he will be eliminating the Department of Stress. The department has proved to be very costly and it has actually caused a lot more stress than it has prevented.
Good Olde Australia Comes Through
The United States has asked Australia for a loan. Australia says that it cannot really afford to send money but that instead it will be FedExing 15 kangaroos, 20 koala bears, and 40 boomerangs.
Mickey D's Is Helping The Economy
McDonald's has announced that they will be hiring over one million new employees in 2012. They stressed that they hope that this will raise the average age of a McDonald's employee from 13 to 15.
The Whoppers Aren't Exactly Whopping
Burger King has announced that they will be laying off 100,000 employees before the summer. McDonald's plans to hire most of them since they are already French Fry trained.
"Leave It To Beaver"
Rick Perry says that the big difference between Mitt Romney and Rick Santorum is that Mitt Romney looks like Ward Cleaver and Rick Santorum looks like June Cleaver.
Mexico Will Not Be A Happy Camper Country
The Republic of Mexico has stated that if they are invaded by the United States that Mexico will curtail its U.S. exports of tequila, jumping beans, and auto mechanics.
Tim Tebow Is One Awesome Hombre
Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow is an amazing athlete who played with hurt ribs, lungs, and chest. And that's refreshing in this day in age when some players sit out a game due to hurt feelings.
The Opportunistic Domnica Cermotan
The girlfriend of the captain of The Costa Concordia who was with him when the ship hit the rock has been offered $685 to appear in a nude layout in Playboy. She has reportedly accepted the offer.
The Moon to be 51st State
After hearing Newt Gingrich's comments the other day, the US is prepared to colonize the moon thus making it the 51st state in the Union.
Joan "The Moan" Rivers Is Just Never Happy
Joan Rivers says that she has mixed feelings about having a luxury cruise ship named after her. She said she likes the idea but hates the name, The Royal Bitch of The Caribbean.
Newt Gingrich Had Some Kinda Odd Role-Playing Going On There
Newt Gingrich's second ex-wife said that when they were first married he liked to play a strange game where he was Captain Kangaroo and she was Mr. Green Jeans.
Wenger Blames Global Warming For Recent Poor Form
"Well I've blamed everything else for us being a bit crap so why not this?" said the runny-nosed Gallic numpty last night
Vicar Converts Shed Into Brothel
"I used to keep garden tools and spare cassocks in the shed but now it's a thriving rub and tug shop and I'm pimping for 6 bitches! I cant wait to tell the bishop!"
Guatemala Is A Fun-Filled Place
The tiny country of Guatemala states that they have just developed a nuclear bomb. An hour later they reply, "Just kidding gringos!"
Marian Shields Robinson Has A Very Unique Job
Ann "Jemima" Dayskill, the White House chief cook, says that there are 13,092 knives, forks and spoons in the White House. She said Michelle Obama's mama gets paid to count them every three days.
Home Runs Aren't As Easy As They Used To Be
A recent survey on dating by women in their late 20s shows that 80% are now waiting until at least the third date before they allow their boyfriends to get to third base.
Mitt Romney Is Looking To Get The Pope's Endorsement
Mitt Romney is so upset at losing to Newt Gingrich in the South Carolina primary that he told his wife that he may change his religion from Mormon to Catholic.
Local Man Has Adequate Insurance Cover
Threatens to lump opera singing moustachioed twat off TV ads if he keeps sending spam emails.
The Man Is One Boring GOPer
Late-night talk show hosts absolutely hate Mitt Romney because they say that he is about as funny as a handful of ocean seaweed.
Man Loses Letter "C" from Keyboard
"It's been an absolute unt ever sine I bought the fuker" he said last night
Silent Movie Set For Clean Sweep At Oscars
A delighted movie insider said last night "....................................!"
A Wife By Any Other Name?
One of Newt Gingrich's former maids stated that in order to keep from getting his present wife's name confused with the names of his previous wives he simply calls his new wife Mrs. G.
US Marines Urinate On Slain Taliban
A Pentagon source explained "The boys were just trying to disinfect their beards before handing them over to their grieving families....honest"
Iowa Is Definitely The Corn State
The people of Iowa want their state to be known for other things besides corn. When asked like what they replied "Ahh…well…hmmm…ah…"
Captain Francesco Schettino Is A Persona Non Grata
The captain of the Costa Concordia asked the producers of Dancing With The Stars if he could appear on the show. The producers replied "Hell no! Have you got rocks in your head or what?"
Rick Santorum Knows Jon Huntsman Pretty Good
Rick Santorum said that now that Jon Huntsman has dropped out of the GOP presidential race he can return to Utah where his popularity is just below that of an avalanche.
World's First Hybrid Shark Discovered
The worlds first hybrid shark has been found off the East Coast of Australia. The Black Tipped Shark does not run on petrol, diesel or electricity - believe it or not, it runs on water, yes, SEAWATER.
The Elderly Woman Had No Fear At All
An elderly woman in Florida explained to authorities how she was able to fight off a 12 foot alligator. She simply replied that 85 shots from her AK-47 pretty much did the trick.
Sarah Palin Continues To Pat Herself On Her Back
Dinosaur footprints were recently found in northern Alaska. Sarah Palin immediately remarked "Ya see, I knew I was right about global warming all along."
It Was Amazing How The Man Managed To Stay On!
Authorities in Lower Zamgola have outlawed energy drinks after a homeless man drinks seven of them and ends up riding a giraffe all over town for four hours while yelling out "Tarzan ain't shit!"
Anthony Worrall-Thompson's Recipe for Welsh Rarebit
… First, take some cheese.
Chelsea Handler Ain't No Match For Queen Joan Rivers
Joan Rivers, who is known as "The Queen of Mean," said if Chelsea Handler wants to play hardball then she had first better get herself some womanly tits instead of the Elton John man boobs she's got.
Newt Gingrich Has Had More Than His Share of Wives
After the last GOP presidential debate Mitt Romney reportedly asked Newt Gingrich backstage, "Say fella, with all of the wives you've had, are you sure you ain't a Mormon?"
People Are Finally Starting To Have Second and Third Thoughts
A psychiatrist in Baghdad has said that just since the first of the year he has seen quite an increase in suicide bombers who report they have changed their minds.
Sheriff Joe "Pinky" Arpaio Strikes Again
Since he dresses male convicts in feminine pink, Arizona Sheriff Joe "Pinky" Arpaio says he will begin dressing the female convicts in masculine camouflage.
Mitt Romney - The Man With The Answers
Mitt Romney was asked if he has ever even seen a food stamp. He giggled and replied that he certainly has and that it is very tiny and has a picture of food on it.
The Resemblance Was Amazingly Uncanny
Several people in Venice Beach reported seeing the creature from the Black Lagoon. It later turned out that it was only Gary Busey out on a midnight stroll.
Kim Kardashian Is Not Liked In Colorado
The state of Colorado has outlawed the making of snowmen in the likeness of Kim Kardashian. A spokesperson said that due to Kim's gigantic ass the snow person would take up way too much snow.
Manchester Thieves 'Could Be Recruited'
If caught, the Manchester thieves who spent around 6 months digging a 100 foot hole under a car park to get to an ATM machine "could be" recruited to build the HS2 rail link.
Session Number 31 Coming Up
After 30 sessions, a psychiatrist asked his patient if he felt that he had been cured of his indecisiveness. The patient looked around the room and replied, "Gosh doc, I'm not really sure."
Ron Paul Says "Bye-Bye" To Michele Bachmann
Ron Paul commented that now that Michele "Hair Spray" Bachmann has dropped out of the GOP presidential race that means that Mitt Romney and Rick Perry will be splitting the "Hairdo" vote.
Pay as you mow.
Electrical giant Bosh yesterday revealled that there top of the range lawnmowers would be available on a pay as you go bases. Top ups can then be purchased depending on the size of your lawn.
Ex-RBS Chairman, Fred Goodwin Is Severely Limited on His Employment
Disgraced Royal Bank of Scotland chief executive, "Fred the Shred" Goodwin, is no longer available to work the knight shift… For obvious reasons!
Idaho's Fitting Tribute
After years of debates, the state of Idaho has finally agreed to make French Fries the state food.
Tesco in Oxford Has Pest Control Problems
The pest control officer who works at Tesco in Oxford has met with a serious problem - the bait on all its mousetraps has been disappearing since mid-December.
The Check-Writing Joe Biden
Delaware states that they need $21 million to upgrade their Delaware Punch factories. Vice-President Joe Biden, a Delaware native, quickly writes them a check.
New Best-Selling Book Comes onto Market
Amazon.com have announced that a new book has become an overnight sensation by selling over 1 million copies in one hour. The book is called: "Once a knight is never enough!" By Fred the Shred
Robbery in Milton Keynes Fabric Shop
Today I saw a robbery take place at a fabric shop in the centre of Milton Keynes. The police apprehended the robber and when his case comes to court I will be called as a material witness.
Vice-President Joe Biden Has Two New Year's Resolutions
Vice-President Joe Biden has said that he has two New Year's resolutions for 2012. The first is to cut back on his six-burger-a-day habit and his second is to get more involved in government issues.
Donald Trump Is Not A Happy Billionaire Camper
Donald Trump's New Year's resolution is to ignore the hair haters and to do his best to kick every GOP presidential hopeful's arrogant, Trump Debate-ignoring ass.
Hank Williams Jr. Has Got The Right Idea
Hank Williams Jr., has said that his New Year's resolution is to self-impose a four-second word delay in his mouth.
Nicole Scherzinger Says She Will Definitely Make The Effort
Nicole Scherzinger says that her New Year's resolution is to stop using so much spray on tanning spray because people are starting to call her the female George Hamilton.
The Mathematically Gifted Paris Hilton Has Spoken (Again)
Paris Hilton has stated that her number one New Year's resolution is to find a way to raise her IQ from the low 70s to at least somewhere up in the high 60s.
Gloria Allred Is Always Looking For The Dollar $ign$
Famed attorney Gloria Allred was asked what her wish for the New Year is. She grinned and said to please, please, please get a phone call from Vane$$a Bryant.
BBC boss admits to 61% repeats on tv
BBC boss admits to 61% repeats on tv (r)
The Pill Works But...
A group of research scientists in Wales have discovered a pill that completely cures athletes foot in 15 seconds. But unfortunately it only works on athletes.
The New Product Will Benefit The Occupy Wall Streeters
A national retail store in California has started selling a new product called Occupy Wall Street Pepper Spray. A portion of the proceeds will go towards buying the OWSers jackets, coats, and pot.
Herman Cain Is Still Lurking Around
Michele Bachmann says that she is glad to finally be out of politics and has stated that she just wishes Herman Cain would stop calling her up and asking her out on a date.
Sometimes The Hair Spray Can Have An Adverse Affect
Ron Paul had admitted that he was thrilled to see Michele Bachmann drop out of the GOP race because he once asked her to spell "Huh" backwards and she had to think about it for a few moments.
A Pill for Dieting without Exercising
Scientists have developed a pill which can cause the obese to lose weight without even exercising. The problem is that the pill will be so expensive that you will not be able to afford to buy food!
The Egg-Laying Hens Had A Feeling of Deja Vu
The recent 4.7 earthquake that hit Arkansas caused thousands of chicken eggs to leave the nest and go back inside the egg laying hens, confusing the chickens all to hell!
Milton Keynes Man Caught in EBay Scam
A Milton Keynes man bought the original script for the new film, "The Artist". Much to his surprise, it came in the post yesterday… as a ream of blank A4 paper. Needless to say he was speechless!
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