Spoof news snippets
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Sarah Palin Speaks Out!
Puts bumper sticker on her Suburban reading "My daughter is faster than your honor student." She probably didn't think that through too well.
Madonna Tells Press Alex Rodriguez has 12" Penis
"See, they don't call him A Rod for nothing." Madonna tells reporters, "Though his balls are tiny and he has a hairy back."
Madonna Tests Positive For Steroids
The pop star reportedly blamed it on Alex Rodriguez's "secret sauce"
Michael Jackson Dead
NAMBLA observes moment of silence
Michael Jackson Dies of Heart Attack
In other news, NAMBLA is searching for a new spokesman
Jackson's Death Rocks Business World
Lojack© Corporation says it will discontinue its Lojack For Kids© program
Jackson's Death: Oh Ye of Little Faith
Estimates show that as many as 23% of atheists now report a belief in a higher power
King of Pop Dead
Children all over Iran heard to be chanting "Allah Akbar"
Authorities Discover Incomplete, "Disturbing" Jackson Family Photobook
Police decline to comment on the pictures of Jackson with his children, except to say that the working title was "Hop on Pop"
Michael Jackson Busted!
Pays ultimate price in a cosmic episode of "To Catch a Predator"
Michael Jackson's Death Leaves Aftershocks
CEO of Fox Broadcasting Company announces they will be canceling their newest reality program, "Touched by a Jackson"
Psychologists Say Jackson Misunderstood Golden Rule
Jesus did not mean that he should do to little boys what he would like them to do to him.
Sarah Palin's Consignment Shop Changes Name
Out of the Closet owner Ellen Arvold changes store name to Second Run, "We needed to change our name to protect our identity- we are in the business of selling vintage clothing-not snake oil."
Grim Reaper Tries To Make Ammends
His press secretary says to make up for the death of Farrah Fawcett, he decided to take out two scourges on society:Michael Jackson, and Billy Mays.
Michael Jackson Autopsy Shockers
Officials say they literally found the little boy in Jackson. Not sure how he got there, doctors estimate the young child asphyxiated inside the pop star at some point in the 80's
Governor Sarah Palin Resigns
In response to her functional illiteracy becoming public knowledge, Palin steps down. Governor's press secretary disputes this, saying she is resigning "cause Jesus told her to"
Michael Jackson Rocks Google!
The site reports that since his death, web searches for "dead pedophile" have gone up over 130,000%.
Glenn Beck shocker
Tells the world he has a "deep seated hatred" of intelligent people.
Fox News is Number 1!
Among people with extreme mental deficiencies.
Gay Comic Dedicates Award To Celebrity Evil Slapper
Bespectacled, camp, comedian that I have never heard of, dedicated his 'comedy award',to Karen Matthews. Some people have predictably over-reacted and complained. Others don't give a shit.
Top 'Tart' gets fined!
A prostitute who works exclusively with lawyers, judges and policemen, has been found guilty of taking the law into her own hands...and mouth.
Dead Comedian Arthur Askey Dedicates His Award To Lucifer
Bespectacled, dead, short, comedian Arthur Askey, stunned crowds by dedicating his comedy award to the Devil. The prime minister said he was both 'disgusted' and 'horny' at Askey's antics.
Rudolph Hess Dedicates Comedy Award to Hitler
Inept Nazi Rudolph Hess, shocked crowds at the comedy awards, by dedicated his 'gong' to Adolph Hitler. A spokesman for the ceremony said Hess's comments were 'inappropriate'.
Karen Matthews Dedicates Comedy Award to Alan Carr
Rubbish mother and media demon, Karen Matthews dedicated her 'comedy mum of the year' award to Alan Carr. The audience were both 'shocked' and 'disgusted' at her dedication choice.
Should UK troops leave Iraq?
This is the dilemma facing Gordon Brown. Half of Brits say yes and half are simply too thick to know. Whereas all Iraqis say YES, and the sooner the better, and please take the Yanks with you.
Wayne Rooney look-alike
Asterisk Corset, accused of murdering a trainee accountant co-worker who taunted him about his likeness to Wayne Rooney, has been found not guilty by reason of justifiable homicide.
Bernie Madoff Bailed
Disgraced hedge fund manager Bernard Madoff, accused of a $50 billion fraud, was today released on $10 million bail which he paid to the NY court from his petty cash box.
John Wayne Gacy Tops The 'Baddest Clown Ever' List!
Captain Spaulding, Donald McRonald and Pennywise are fuming after Gacy topped the most evil clown list. McRonald said "My milk-shakes alone have killed millions more people than Gacy"
Santa recuperating after triple bypass
Ignoring repeated warnings to watch his diet, the jolly old elf loaded up on milk and cookies once again and suffered a massive coronary near the end of his deliveries. He's in stable condition.
Santa Strikes Back!
A man dressed as Santa Claus randomly opened fire from a sleigh at a Christmas party gathering near Los Angeles after he delivered gifts and found no mince pie or glass of sherry waiting for him.
Peter Falk To Return As 'Columbo'
Veteran crumpled actor is to return for a final series. Each week, the cop will try to resolve the mystery of the talent-free rich and famous. Jade, Posh and Paris star in first episode.
Flynt, Francis request injection of federal money
With the American economy gone limp, sex drive in the United States has also decreased. Larry Flynt and Joe Francis have requested $5 billion to supplement flaccid DVD sales.
Bondage Kangaroo Gives Evidence Against Rolf Harris
Stylophone-playing Rolf Harris was in court yesterday. The Kangaroo he tied down, in his flat, circa 1963 gave evidence. Rod claims he was too 'AUSTRALIAN' & 'BEARDED' to harm the beast!
Deng Xiaoping surprise
Chinese leader Deng Xiaoping, who hadn't said much during Politburo sessions since the late 1990's, was today discovered to actually be dead.
Jonathan Ross Will Be Made To Work For His Wages !
BBC Bosses claim Jonathan Ross, will NOW work for every penny you pay the BBC. He will be performing manual labour for every TV licence holder e.g cleaning windows, unblocking toilets...
Boomerang Finally Comes Back to Charlie Drake
Dead dwarf-man Charlie Drake, can finally rest in peace. His boomerang has finally returned after a 45 year absence. The boomerang said he intended to come back, but in his own time.
Nut Allergy Outbreak
NHS doctors are investigating why group of trainee psychologists were systematically stricken with anaphylaxis while visiting a Smegmadale Mental Institution yesterday.
Bishop rebukes Capitalism
The Bishop of Manchester has attacked the UK government for scandalously encouraging people to go into debt but praised the collapse of the God of Consumerism as people chopped up their credit cards.
Bailiff's Xmas Bonus
While the UK may be mired in the shallows of a deepening recession and the credit crunch tightens the spending belt, court bailiffs say they're having their busiest Christmas run-up on record.
Ringo Starr Lifts Fan-mail Ban, Hooray!
Cuddly, Beatle- Ringo Starr, has lifted his fan-mail ban. He put his October out-burst down to uncomfortable dentures and the removal of 'Last of The Summer Wine' from its regular slot!
At last night's World's Ugliest Slut competition finals in Las Vegas first prize was awarded to Donatella Versace, taking the title from Cherie Blair, for having a mouth like a burst radial tyre.
The Spammoth Cometh
Scientists at Hormel's Dead Animal research lab's have genetically-engineered a mammoth hybrid cross between a pig and an elephant whose processed flesh is a perfect match for luncheon meat.
Parking Fine paid on bog paper
A man who wrote out a cheque on crap wrap to pay his parking fine was told by magistrates they were not amused and ordered to stand in the corner until the court recessed.
Burglars get Barrister Info' Bonus.
Thieves who stole computer hard drives with barristers and prosecution witness details from the Bar Council's offices have reaped a Christmas crime bonanza by auctioning the info' package on E-Bay.
Tibet dissidents give China aggro'
Chinese police in Tibet have arrested hundreds at Lhasa markets for selling CD and MP3 format copies of anti-Chinese reactionary songs downloaded from the internet such as "China Sucks Big-Time"
Postmen cancel strike
UK postal workers were forced to call off a one-day strike after their Union ballot results failed to get delivered to Post Office management within the time limit.
Anarchists Snuff Ikea
UK police last night arrested Turbo Tatswiller leader of the Popular Front for the Abolition of Flatpack Furniture terrorist movement which recently bombed and burned Ikea's Warrington-based factory.
Crapper Rapper in Bat Offence Charge
UK Rapper Dizzee Rascal (aka Dildo Mills)is under investigation by police and the RSPCA for offences involving a bat. It is rumoured the charges are of an animal cruelty or sexual offence nature.
Fight the Good Fight
To mark the Season of Goodwill and the fallacy of Peace on Earth, God and Satan have agreed to a bare knuckle cage fight to finally settle their differences. Gouging and biting are allowed.
Joe Wilson "Obama IS dithering, I looked it up!"
"dithering heights has always been one of my favorite books, too."
AsboMan gets one Himself
Nottingham's chief anti-social behaviour officer Richard Antbrain has been arrested, charged and bailed after being involved in an incident of "violent disorder".
Spoof writers expected to make up for lack of Obama scandals
With integrity finally arriving in the White House for first time in 28 years, boneheads expected to publish sufficient articles concerning imaginary wrongdoing to compensate.
Rawanda genocide chief jailed
Rawandan genocide culprit Theo Bagoshit was convicted of instigating the 1994 Tutsi genocide which killed billions and sentenced to 200 hours of community service in a 419 call centre.
UK consumer withdrawal symptoms
Emergency services are reporting mass cases of people wandering aimlessly in confused traumatised states going into analyptic shock after Tesco, Argos and Poundland shut down for the Xmas holiday.
New Hamas rockets strike Israel
New rocket fire by Hamas' Gaza Gangsters was reported today striking Israeli teritory. All the new rockets were severely damaged when they crashed into buildings and exploded
Tricky Dick's Nemesis Dies
Watergate Deep Throat super-grass, ex-FBI snitch Max Felt, was pronounced DOA yesterday at a California hospital after choking on something nasty.
Celebrity conspiracy theory double-act Mulder n Scully last night won first place in the X-Factor finals.
Ertha Katt passes away.
Feline American singer, dancer and actress Eartha Kitt who played Catwoman in the 1960's Batman series has died at the age of 81, after telling the press she had adored every minute of her nine lives.
Queen Liz roughs it for Xmas speech
The Queen is spending Xmas at a squat in Liverpool's dilapidated Kensington district as a gesture of goodwill and to display her ability to rough it with the rest of the recession-hit British public.
Euro worth more than Pound shock
UK tourists aghast that the Pound in recession is now worth less than the Euro and on a par with the Zimbabwe dollar, with a Warburton's toasty loaf now costing £40
Scottish National Party spaced out?
The SNP is calling for a Moray airbase to become Scotland's spaceport to launch kilt-clad Jockonaut astro-tourists into orbit in their new haggis-powered Caledonian-McBrain Tartan Lines space bus.
CORRECTION: Ann Coulter
Typographical error: Published article stating Ann Coulter is a "bitch" was supposed to read she is "butch." We sincerely regret the error.
Ministry of the Bloody Obvious strikes again
The death of a Royal Marine killed by enemy fire in Afghanistan was lamented by the Defence Ministry, who then shrugged their shoulders and stated shit happens if you spend Xmas in an active war zone.
Tony B-liar evicted
Ex- PM Tony Bliar was today evicted from his London home due mortgage arrears. His projected high earnings from bringing peace to the Middle East have failed to materialise, as per the promised peace.
Writing on Wall for M & S
Finance gurus claim they saw the writing on the wall for Marks & Spencer belt-tightening the day when they started charging 5 pence for a previously free carrier bag to carry their overpriced tat.
BNP Leader Sends Yuletide Greeting To His Members
BNP leader Nick Griffin has thanked people for staying in his party, after the membership list was leaked on-line. He wished them all a white Christmas and an even whiter country.
Spoof's Obama Birth Certificate Competition
Don't need a spoof news story : a snippet will do. He doesn't exist. He's a figment of the US voting population's imaginations and mindsets. An illusion. A very bad rascist / sectarian joke
Hannah Montana Survey Shocker!
A recent advert for something or other, on several internet websites, insist on asking this question "Do you like Hannah Montana?" - "No!", has been the general consensus.
Chinese navy pirated
Two Chinese naval destroyers and an aircraft carrier that recently arrived off Somalia to protect Chinese vessels passing through the Gulf of Aden were last night reportedly hijacked by pirates.
Boots 2008 Innovations
Boots Pharmacy have announced the ideal 2009 New Year gift for the girl who has everything. A course of their innovative super-strength antibiotic: ClapGone!
Jerry Mouse Finally Killed By Thomas Cat Shocker!
Jerry the mouse, has finally, been killed by Tom. Tom said "After 70 years of chasing, I realised I was a crap mouser. I simply put down some poison, he ate it and died. I'm not sad he was a shit"
Santa Claus Has Become A Jehovahs Witness Shock!
Santa, has become a witness of Jehovah, and decided he doesn't believe in himself. This Xmas, kids should also expect, no blood transfusions and copies of the WatchTower and Awake in their stockings.
UK Knife Crime?
Concerns are mounting in Britain that simply 'Looking Daggers' at Someone can be considered a knife crime and is punishable by five years in prison.
Jimmy Carr Is An Escaped Ventriloquist Dummy Shock!
Weird comic, Jimmy Carr is really a run away ventriloquist's dummy.
"His hair is actually painted on and so are his eyes" said Mr Geppetto. Ironically, Carr is known for being wooden!
Middle East 'Fun' places to visit
Israel has topped the Middle East's poll for 'Fun' places to visit. Radio Beruit announced the poll results yesterday, declaring Israel to be 'as much fun as chemotherapy'.
Pope Benny calls for Peace
Pope Benny Mk16 aka Joseph Ratflinger, made his Urbi et Orbi speech to the world calling for an end to global strife and conflicts, most of which throughout history were caused by the Catholic church.
Mrs. Darwin's Cookbook
A Victorian era cookbook belonging to Evolutionist Charles Darwin's wife is to be published with more than 40 dishes such as braised cormorant, spiced frog in port, hedgehog pate and fillet of badger.
Credit card use hits Xmas high
Credit card company Visa Europe said they hit a peak in transactions at noon today when the company recorded 700 payments a second. Visa are praying New Year repayments might reach 700 per month.
Wii music particpation makes you look like a tosser!
Anyone over ten years old, without a learning difficulty, will look like a tosser and wanker; if they use Wii music. "It's not a scientific fact just an observation" say researchers.
Dieters should buy jeans twice the size of their whole body say psychologists!
Depressed dieters should buy jeans twice the size of their whole bodies. Then they should stand in one of the legs, to give the impression, they used to be that fat, say psychologists!
UK Criminal Deportations Target Met
50,000 convicted foreign criminals were deported in 2008 Immigration Minister Nikolai Mobsaroubles told the BBC's Radio Scally Watch at Dover as 75,000 more arrived on the cross-Channel ferry.
Sudanese woman wins award
London-based nutrition guru Winnie O'Dinga has won the Slimmer's World annual award for the most successful weight reduction plan with her "Lose 10 Stones in a Month Darfur Diet" programme.
Fifty Firefighters Tackle Blaze
Firefighters tackling a huge blaze at a pizza manufacturing company in the Dildo area of Smegmadale shortly before dawn told reporters it was the hottest fast food take-away they'd eaten this year.
Edit the Credit
IMF chief Dominique Strauss-Klunt has told the BBC that people need to spend more to solve the current global recession, but stated he was still working on how they could do this if they were broke.
Shop n Sup
Leicester's Melton High Street retail association yesterday offered a free pint of beer to anyone shopping in the town, resulting in drunken bargain squabbles in Woolworths and Poundland.
BBC plans for their new Dr. Who to be a female suffered a setback yesterday when it was discovered that number one choice Jade Goody has a snatch that's actually bigger than the inside of the Tardis.
Opal Fruits Do Not Make Your Mouth Water Say Dogs!
According to Dogs at the University Of Stan Butler, Utah. What really makes their mouth water is a bell, rung by someone called Pavlov. The chewy retro sweets had no effect on 300 dogs in the study.
UK interest rates drop
The Bank of England has dropped interest rates to minus 1.25%, thus paying borrowers to take out loans by giving them interest on their debt in a last ditch effort to kick-start a dead horse economy.
Bea Arthur died of swine flu?
After learning more about the disease, Bea Arthur's family admits fib about cancer. Said they were afraid people would assume she had been intimate with a pig.
Nicholas Nickleby role models
UK teachers will have to act as "role models" both in and out of school under a proposed code of conduct says Childrens' Secretary Ed Ballsup. The intended role model is Dicken's Wackford Squeers.
Poor get poorer
The Labour government are planning to charge 27% interest on all state loans to the UK's poorest families in crisis situations in order to ensure a continuation of their poverty / breadline status.
Mandy knocks back Jag' bail out
A Jaguar-Land Rover bail out by the government has been nixed by Peter Mandelson, who told the firm's new owner, India's Tatty group, to get their hands in their own pockets and not come begging.
Two Jags warned by Doctors
Porcine Labour MP for Kingston-on Pies, John 'Two Shags' Prescott, who was recently told by doctors to lose four stones of belly fat or die, today lost four stones.
Lusitania sinking okayed
Kraut military historian Wolfgang von Schnit has declared the WW1 German naval action of torpedoing and sinking the Lusitania was justified as divers had recovered rifle ammunition from the wreck.
UK Christmas shut-downs
More small UK firms are planning to take an extended Christmas break to stave off the negative economic effects of the deepening recession and plan to reopen for business sometime after Easter 2009
Puss in Boots?
Celebrity fashion designer Jimmy Choo-Choo comes under fire from feminists for his new line of men's footwear made from the vulvas of female African sloths: They fit like a glove and never wear out.
Matricide over fish digits
A 14-year old Smegmadale schoolboy beat his mother to death with a frying pan last night after she served him fish fingers. He told police "That's all she's fed me for effin' tea since I woz six."
An 80-year old woman who got bogged in mud overnight while walking her dogs along a Smegmadale river is now safe in hospital. Neighbours told the media she was always a bit of a stick in the mud.
Sarah Palin, Carrie Prejean sign movie deal
Will remake "Where the Heart Is." Prejean plays Novalee Nation, 17, abandoned by boyfriend. She moves into a Wall Mart, gives birth there, becomes media darling, is taken in by Sister Husband (Palin).
The classic boardgame gets a modern twist. New "Chance" card reads, "Congratulations! You've just won 8 Oscars!" at which point you lose; communities are leveled and all properties returned to bank.
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