Spoof news snippets from December 2011
There were 640 spoof news snippets published in December 2011. A selection of the best rated snippets is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
Jesse James And Sandra Bullock Reveal Their True Feelings
Jesse James said he never liked Sandra Bullock because she was a movie star. Bullock said she never liked Jesse James because he was a scum sucking, bottom feeding, low life, whore mongering bitch.
Michele Bachmann Says Thank You To Mr. "PizzaGate"
Michele Bachmann was thrilled to hear Herman Cain say he was throwing in the towel. She stated, "Now all of Herman Cain's white blonde women will be voting for a fellow female...moi."
President Obama's 17 Days of Christmas (Vacation)
President Obama was asked why his Christmas vacation is going to take 17 days. He replied that he was going to take 18, but 17 is his lucky number.
Donald Trump May Have To Eat His Debate
Donald Trump has stated that the GOP Presidential Debate he is sponsoring will go on even if Rick Santorum is the only Republican candidate who shows up.
Jason Aldean Picks Up Music Awards Like He Was Picking Cotton
Country boy singer Jason Aldean captured six American Country Awards including "The Best Use of A Farm Tiller" and "Singer With The Most Tattered Looking Blue Jeans."
There Are Some Pretty Tall Postal Workers Throughout America
It's kind of funny how quickly the NBA players gave in to the owners once they heard that the owners were going to hire laid off postal workers to replace the players.
Herman Cain Decided He Wanted To Keep All Of His "Body Parts"
An unnamed, reliable source said that the real reason why Herman Cain dropped out of the GOP race was because his wife threatened to put a world of hurt on his shameless, wandering, pizza sausage.
Mitt Romney Says "No" To Donald Trump's GOP Debate
Mitt Romney won't participate in Donald Trump's GOP Debate for 3 reasons. One, Rick Santorum is the only one who'll be there. Two, no chips and guacamole dip. And three, Trump's hair is silly as hell.
Jeremy Clarkson Apologises For Having Big Face.
"I realise you could land an RAF Chinook helicopter on my forehead and I'm sorry for it but at least my trousers are beyond reproach"
The Minnesota Vikings May Be Heading West
The sports word on the street in L.A. is that the Minnesota Vikings may be relocating to Los Angeles and become either the Los Angeles Crips or the Los Angeles Bloods.
Rick Perry Has Some Real Good Reasons For Skipping Trump's Debate
Rick Perry will not participate in Donald Trump's presidential debate for three reasons. One, Trump is too arrogant. Two, Trump is too sarcastic. And three...ah...three...hmmmm.
Ant & Dec Admit To Being Twats
Dec wept openly last night as he confessed "It's true, we really are a pair of talentless, vacuous, grinning Geordie gobshites and I'm so very, very sorry!"
George Michael Reveals "It Was Touch And Go"
Another day spent in the public lavatories in Hampstead presumably.
Newt Gingrich Is Trying Real Hard To Sound Kinda Smart
Newt Gingrich stated that the reason why poor kids are poor is due to the fact that their parents have no money. He later said that water is wet because it's wet and Jello wiggles because it's Jello.
Herman Cain Is No Longer Popular With White Blonde Women
Since announcing that he was leaving the GOP presidential race Herman Cain's political ratings have gone down along with the sales of pizza.
The Interesting Business Relationship Between Iran and Costa Rica
In one of the more interesting trades between countries. Iran will be sending camels to Costa Rica in exchange for bananas.
Ref's Whistle Stolen. Tiny Clanger held.
When arrested he said "Whooooooo whooooop whoooooo whoooooooo whoooop whooooooooooooo whoooooop OFFSIDE! whoooooooooooooooooooooooo."
Katie Price Tit Explosion: rogue silicone to blame.
Katie Price suffered a horrific blow yesterday when her double G's blew up due to excessive heat at a christmas candlelight service in Brighton. A witness said: 'It was the Hindenburg all over again.'
Cliff Richard Held After Drunken Rumpus In Church.
When confronted by the press he denied it vehemently saying "You're me besht mates you are! Gish a fag, g'wan gish a fag" and "I'll tek the f***'in lot of yers!"
Spoofer Reachers Snippet Milestone!
Skoob1999 hits 500 - not a single one is remotely amusing!
Paris Hilton Shows Why She Is Hollywood's Top "Airhead"
Paris Hilton was asked which GOP presidential candidate did she feel won the last debate. Paris smiled for a few seconds and then replied, "I have to say I think it was Donald Trump, he's hot."
A Polish Footballer By Any Other Name Would Be Great!
A Polish footballer, who plays for Arsenal, named Wojciech Szczesny has been asked to please change his name to one that is a little easier to pronounce and spell like Jetzy Otto for instance.
Chinaman's Heart Rejects Prince Philip
"That'll teach him to call us "slanty-eyed gits, the kebab guzzling c***!" said the heart with a fair degree of feeling last night
The Tea Bag Party By Any Other Name
An anonymous member of the Tea Bag Party stated that since Sarah Palin left the party, membership has decreased by 70%. So as a result there are plans to rename the party the Diet Tea Bag Party.
Regis Philbin Is Coming Back To TV Land
Regis Philbin is currently in talks with the Fox Network about developing a new reality game show to be called, Okay So Who Wants To Be A Political Groupie?
What Is The CSI Quota?
This CSI business is getting out of hand with shows like CSI:Miami, CSI:Las Vegas, CSI:New York, and CSI:Los Angeles. Now comes word that coming this January will be CSI:Tijuana.
Herman Cain Longs For The Good Old Days of Pizza Making
As if Herman Cain doesn't already have enough female problems now comes word that his wife just found an X-ray of Kim Kardashian's ass in his underwear drawer.
Kim Kardashian Feels She Was More Than Generous
Kim Kardashian does not understand why her soon-to-be ex-husband Kris Humphries is all upset about the $2 million ring since she did agree to let him keep his clothes, his shoes, and his basketballs.
The Cosmetics World Is Always On The Cutting Edge
Revlon has just announced its latest perfume - Eau du WiFi.
John Goodman Can Sure Put Away The Groceries
John Goodman says that he has put on so much weight that he has to use MapQuest in order to find his mouth.
Where Oh Where Is Aldi The Smoking Two-Year-Old?
Aldi, the infamous two-year-old smoking Indonesian baby is now 3, and he has taken up drinking vodka and is reportedly dating a nine-year-old girl.
Indonesia Has Put It's Musical Foot Down!
Indonesia has banned rap music. Authorities said that it has way too many lyrics and it causes the older people lots of stress, tension, pressure, and the urge to wanna pee every three minutes or so.
World War II Bomber Found On Simon Cowell's Head
The 4 Engine Halifax is believed to have been unable to take off from Cowell's huge forehead since 1941 after its undercarriage became bogged down in Botox.
Heroin Found in National Archives File
A small white blob of powder was found in an original Jane Eyre manuscript. It was concealing the final two letters "ne" where Charlotte Brontë was describing Jane Eyre as a heroinne.
The Occupy Wall Street Crowd Has It All Figured Out
The Occupy Wall Street protesters say that all they want for Christmas is to one day become part of the new 1% which would do away with the old 99% and make the old 1% the new 100%.
North West Home Of Strongest Football Teams
Wigan, Blackburn and Bolton currently propping up the rest of the Premiership.
Lindsay Lohan Is A "Winning" Loser
Lindsay Lohan has just been named by Dysfunctional Illustrated Magazine as 2011's Luckiest Bitch In America.
The Future of The Penn State Football Program
Penn State University has stated that if everyone agrees to stop making Penn State football jokes they will promise to drop their football program and focus on girls volleyball.
Drug Abusers Will Be Able to Rate Their Experience of Narcotics
… On TRIPADVISOR
Slum Landlord Steals Simon Cowell's Trousers
"I managed to illegally house 2 families of Somali dissidents, a Polish brickie, a Pakistani dentist and his missus plus 3 Ukranian tarts in his trousers!" - Thanks Simon Cowell
The Illegal Alien Tunnel Was Really State-of-The-Art
Border Patrol agents in Nogales, Arizona have just found a three mile long illegal alien tunnel that was so sophisticated that it had taco vendors and music speakers playing songs by Santana.
Another Miracle in Coventry…
Following a downpour of apples in Coventry, the city was today subjected to a shower of custard. "It would appear that the Almighty is providing for the hungry." Said local vicar, Rev. G. Godbotherer
In The Bad News - Good News Department
The bad news is scientists are reporting that polar bears are starting to shrink in size due to Global Warming. But they say the good news is that polar bear fleas have now completely disappeared.
Newt Gingrich Knows How To Get To The Iowans
The GOP campaign of Newt Gingrich has really gained some momentum since Herman Cain's departure. Newt has taken out political ads in Iowa that say: Vote For Gingrich - He'll Protect your cornfields.
John McCain Makes a "Shocking" Statement
John McCain of Arizona says that the U.S. needs to stop sending billions of dollars to Pakistan and instead send it to Arizona so Governor Brewer can put electricity to the border fence.
Sir Alex Reveals Christmas Wish List.
Eleven Cantonas! And an Eric Cantona!
North Korea Imposes Restrictions On Movements Of Population
"It's bloody murder!" said Dim Yung-Fuk a local rice farmer "I'm absolutely breaking my neck for a shit!"
Powerful Quake Hits South London
A tremor measuring 7.8 on the Richter Scale hit an area of South London with the epicentre at Croydon. Early reports state that 100s lay trapped and that millions of pounds of improvements were made.
The Greatest Clairvoyant In The United States
Thor VanPinderhausen of Reno, Nevada, who is regarded as one of the greatest clairvoyants in America has said he is quitting because he just does not see any future in it.
Jimmy Saville Rises From The Dead
When spotted smoking a cigar outside his Leeds tomb the recently deceased DJ made a yodelling sound and exclaimed "'ow's about that then!"
What Happened To Greeks Bearing Gifts
Greece has just reported that its Christmas sales were just about the worst ever. Greek experts are presently trying to figure out how to make Valentine's Day a lot more appealing.
Jay Leno Has Finally Gotten The Picture
Jay Leno admits he's concerned with his humongous chin. It seems the other day while home watching Growing Up Kardashian he looked down and noticed that it was actually sitting on his belly button.
Chelsea News - AVB To Be More Proactive
Picks himself to play in midfield in Manchester City clash.
Germany targets dead beats with V2 Vockets
Pay up or else!
Cure For Ovarian Cancer Found In Noel Edmonds' Trousers
"This is absolutely sensational news and almost makes up for me being a complete and utter tool" said a delighted Edmonds last night
Tony Blair Reveals True Identity
Tony Blair is "BLACKBEARD". He has been advertising Jamaican rum for Blackbeard's in the Cayman Islands which is of course, a tax haven. This confirms reports of him being a pirate.
Just a warm up…
The EU are warming us up for the biggest lie that "the Holocaust NEVER happened!" The first one was that "water does NOT hydrate", followed by "prunes are NOT laxatives."
Can You Believe It?
Cheesemakers in the village of Stilton, Cambridgeshire, are banned by the EU from labelling their cheese as Stilton, even though it was originally made there. They are going to rebrand it as "I can't believe it's not Stilton."
Fido Is No Doubt Heading For Mexico (And Safety)
The Utah hunter who got shot by his own dog is reportedly doing okay. His dog however, was last seen heading for the Utah-Arizona border at a high rate of speed.
Kim Kardashian Says She Is Totally Depressed
Kim Kardashian is said to be very depressed and wishes that people would stop focusing on her failed 72-day marriage and go back to focusing on important things like her humongous ass.
Police Cannot Charge Mobile Phones at Work
Thames Valley police are to forbid their staff from charging their mobile phones at work in a bid to save time and money. A spokesman said: "they should be charging criminals, NOT mobile phones!"
Mrs. Herman Cain Is Finally Getting With The Program
Reports are that Mrs. Herman Cain is thinking about dying her hair blonde so that her husband will pay a little more attention to her.
Fox Is On Top Of The Cartoon World
In a move to become a little more of an educational network, Fox plans to unveil its new Sunday cartoon show titled, The Adventures of Chucky the Condom.
NASA Admits Something About A Great Big Satellite
NASA is reporting that a six-ton satellite has crashed into the Earth. They say that they have no idea exactly where it crashed but they are periodically checking out eBay.
The Sarah Palin Scent Has Hit The Road
Walmart announces that it has taken all decanters of Sarah Palin's Eau Du Moose Perfume off the shelves after nationwide Christmas sales amounted to just 2 bottles.
Dougie Poynter and Harry Judd to Make New Video
Since winning 2 rival TV shows, Dougie Poynter and Harry Judd of the band, McFly, are to release a new video and single called: "I'm a celebrity, strictly come and get me out of here dancing!"
IPhone Tells 12-year-old Boy to "SHUT UP"
A 12-year-old boy tried an iPhone 4S in Tesco's when it told him to "F shut up, you ugly t...t". Staff at Tesco's said that it was the iPhone 4FS especially designed for Tourette's sufferers. Every little helps!
This Is One Valentine's Day Gift That Will Be Returned
A perfume that men definitely do not want to purchase for their wives or girlfriends for Valentine's Day is Eau Du Calories.
American Exit of Iraq Now Complete
As American forces withdrew from Iraq there wasn't a weapon of mass destruction to be seen!
Piers Morgan, Simon Cowell, Jonathan Ross and John McCririck abducted by aliens
After 30 seconds and a quick glance to the heavens with a random 5-year old's Toys 'r' us' telescope, the search for them has been called off. Efforts to thank the aliens continue in the new year.
Ron Paul Hit Newt Gingrich Right Back And Twice As Hard
Newt Gingrich struck at Ron Paul by saying that if Paul was the GOP presidential candidate that he would not vote for him. Paul smiled and replied, "That's okay, I'm sure all of his mistresses will."
Taylor Swift Needs Some Song Material
Taylor Swift has said somewhat tongue-in-cheek that her New Year's resolution is to get some more boyfriends so that she can diss them in future songs.
Ron Paul Has Outed Michele Bachmann
Ron Paul has accused Michele Bachmann of having a ghost writer. Bachmann replied "Are you kidding me I don't even believe in Halloween."
Shockers! One Xmas show found without 'The Buble' in it!
There is at least one programme on tv this Xmas that doesn't have the singing Canadian cheese puff, Michael Buble in it. Though approached to do the Queen's speech this year, he had prior commitments.
Yemen Has One Hell of A Surprise For Saudi Arabia
The government of Yemen has stated that if they are invaded by Saudi Arabia the invading infidels will be met by herds of two-humped camels with bombs strapped to both of their humps.
Rush for easter eggs on as crimbo shoppers kill two birds with one stone
Xmas shoppers have been snapping up easter eggs too as stores take advantage of the festive rush. Shopper Fred Flange said, 'I ain't going through this crowds shit again in a hurry so just as well.'
North Korea Flooded
Latest news reports say that North Korea has been flooded by crocodile tears of mourners attending the funeral of Kim-Jong-il today.
Group of Fossils Found in Powys Quarry
A group of fossils were found today in a Powys quarry. They were from an old folks home from Shrewsbury. Their daytrip turned to disaster when which their minibus broke down at a disused quarry near Llandrindod Wells.
Gary Glitter's Children's Outfitters Business Slumps.
"I cant believe this! Why cant people just forget the past and move on?" said a dejected Glitter from outside a school yesterday afternoon.
The Most Commonly Spoken Language in the World Is…
There is one language that is spoken by most countries in the world. That one language that is common to all is… BAD LANGUAGE
Newt Gingrich Has Attracted The Loony Element
Newt Gingrich is really picking up the supporters now. His newest fans include Jerry Sandusky, Bernie Madoff, Alec Baldwin, Ndamukong Suh, and Joan Rivers.
Ron Paul Kicked Donald Trump's Arrogant Ass
A reporter told Ron Paul that Donald Trump wanted to see his birth certificate. Paul replied "Tell the bitch that I lost it during the Civil War."
Arizona Will Not Put Up With Pepper Spraying
Arizona has outlawed the use of pepper spray. Violators will be tasered.
Richard Dawkins Is Censored by Turkish Porn Filter
Following recent news that Charles Darwin has been censored by a Turkish porn filter, the latest victim is Richard Dawkins because of the similarity of his name and the fact that he is always talking about evolution.
Bristol Student to Sue Red Bull
An 18-year-old physics student is to take court action against Red Bull after jumping off the Clifton suspension bridge and falling into the water. "It says on the tin, Red Bull gives you wings! It obviously doesn't work."
A Wind By Any Other Name Is Just As Windy
Arizona Governor Jan Brewer has issued a proclamation that the Santa Ana winds that originate in California are to be referred to ONLY by the name the Saint Anne winds.
Jon Huntsman Knows It Cannot Get Worse
Jon Huntsman said that just because his popularity now stands at minus one percent is still not reason enough for him to throw in the towel.
NASA's Rover Is Headed To The Wrong Place
A $2.5 billion nuclear-powered NASA rover has been launched toward Mars to look for signs of life. They should have kept the rover here to look for signs of jobs.
WHO Says That There Is Really No Need For Alarm (Kinda)
The World Health Organization has noted that low levels of radioactive iodine-131 have been detected in the Czech Republic and are asking people to simply ignore any red blinking noses.
"Brainless" Fish Discovered off Cost of Scotland
An amphyoxus - a kind of prehistoric fish with no brain, face or spine has been discovered off the coast of Scotland. Scientists have decided to call the creature Alex Salmond.
Bruce Forsythe In Carbon Dating Mystery
Scientists have revealed that recent carbon dating tests carried out on popular game show host Bruce Forsythe indicate that he's over 2000 years old. When told last night he replied Your my favourite!
Herman Cain As Always Has An Answer For Everything
Herman Cain was asked what he plans to do with the money that was donated towards his campaign. He replied, "Well I guess I be gibben it to Charity, I means Gloria, my mistress, I means my missus."
Jesse James Knows He Blew It
Jesse James says that there is no truth to the rumor that he is planning on getting a tattoo on his forehead that reads: America's Number One Jerk.
Damning evidence from kettle results in court appearance for pot
RIP John Terry
Croatia Will Just Have To Mind Its Own Business
Word coming out of Croatia is that their planned invasion of India has been cancelled due to the fact that the used battleship purchase did not go through.
President Obama Is Making Needed Cuts
In yet another way of cutting back on needless Federal spending, President Obama has stated that effective January 1, 2012 the Federal Food Stamp Office in Beverly Hills will be shut down.
Sarah Palin Needs To Just Shut Up And Bake Something
V.P. Joe Biden called up Sarah Palin, who had criticized the Obama's Christmas card, and told her to keep her friggin mouth shut because nobody gives an eff what the Alaskan loser bitch thinks.
Rick Perry Says That Two Out of Three Really Isn't All That Bad
Rick Perry says that he can speak three languages fluently. One is English, the second is Spanish, and he said he cannot remember the third one.
Gloria Allred Does Not Mince Words
Attorney Gloria Allred said that Herman Cain is not fooling anyone and that the only reason he wants to go work for FOX News is so he can get a shot at his dream girl Ann Coulter.
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