Scotland Spoof News

20 June 2019

Office workers to face corporal punishment when they misbehave

- IFL Group, an Internet marketing agency in Aberdeen brought in the system - Punishment is used on 'a minority' of workers with low productivity or who misbehave - Bosses smacking their employees will 'encourage other workers to work harder'...

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Andy Murray to Retire to Concentrate on Haggis Farming

Everybody's favourite Scottish curmudgeon, Andy Murray, lost in five sets to some Spanish bloke nobody cares about, after having produced a superb fightback in the Australian Open first round. In what might or might not have been his final match,...

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"Alex Salmond would do well to remember Panama.."

A friend told me about a week or so before we left that he couldn't quite believe it was actually happening and weren't we concerned about racism. I recall frowning with genuine confusion. It wasn't as though John had ever been one to over-dramatise, that always fell to his wife, Lucy, and even as we had this conversation, she was frantically talking to her mother, advising her where the 'Meni...

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Scotland defend the release of cancer ridden "Evil Bombing Bastard", Scotland couldn't even defend against Andorra!

The Lockerbie bomber and a very evil bastard has been released from a Scottish prison and been given a heroes welcome by Gadaffi and his terrorist cronies! Meanwhile Scotland defend the release and meanwhile attempt to defend their Gaol against An...

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Alleged comedian Frankie Boyle to be the new voice of Sat Nav

In a unique press reception held in the form of a swearing-in ceremony, the alleged comedian Frankie Boyle has been announced as the new voice for satellite navigation systems. Popular systems Tim-Tim and Germain have confirmed that users can now...

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Where are they now? Football hit singles

"We've made it to the first qualifying round of the Birmingham Spaghetti Junction All Comers' Floodlight trophy. I know, let's make a record." There was once a time when even the most mundane event in a football team's history would spawn a record release, but now thankfully it seems that these mind numbing ditties have died a death. Apparently it all started in the 1930s with Arsenal releas...

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Don't Go North

Scottish Crime At Lowest Level Since 1980s

Rangers Fans Travel To Manchester By Haggis

Scotland Sacked By Scots

President Barak Obama declares war on Scotland and John McCain changes his surname to Kennedy just in case.

Scotland Move Up In FIFA Rankings

Stone of Destiny is dinosaur excrement Scottish scientists claim

Scotland 3012 .A.D

Scotland celebrates 200 years of being part of England

Football Results & comments 15th August 2012

Scottish Football's Last Chance

Big Foot sighted in Scotland

Scotsmen Buy Larger Condoms

Scotsmen are leading the way in purchasing the new larger size condom from Durex. A study has revealed that Glasgow tops the list, with Edinburgh in second place. South of the border numbers were considerably lower. Dr Alan Knott of the Penis, Fan...

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'Scotland doesn't rule England, honest!', Brown's ridiculous claim

Prime Minister Gordon Brown today made the ridiculous claim that England is not ruled by Scotland. 'It's ruled by Pakistan and Brussels! Sorry, only joking. No, England is ruled by the English, honestly, it is. When English football fans stopped f...

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England Prepares For Scottish Independence

On Burns Night, 2012, the BBC broadcast to English viewers and listeners, Scotland's First Minister, Alex Salmond, reading poems by Robert Burns. Few will forget the chilling threat that followed this attack. 'Ah will continue tae reid th' poems ay Rabbie Burns at ye sassenachs,' vowed a visibly crazed Mr Salmond, 'until Scootlund achieves independence. Indeed,' he added, with wild eyes bulging...

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Translation software breaks down - no-one can understand Scots any more

In a blow to Alex Salmond's promise to bring Scotland into the 21st century, the translation software that enables the rest of the world to understand what Scotch folk say, has broken down.

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Donald Trump Hopes To Assuage UK Leaders When He Meets With Big Ben

Facing widespread condemnation from US Allies, Donald Trump is on a charm offensive to win over his critics in the UK and prove once and for all that he has the temperament to be a world leader. "I'm going to meet with Big Ben," the Don Tweeted, "...

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Naked Driver Sought By Police

Police are appealing for information about a naked man seen driving his car in Dumfries, Scotland, twice in a matter of days. On both occasions the man has been seen to get out of the car and go to the rear of the vehicle before getting back behin...

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Glory Holes to be built into new Scottish homes Outrage

New Scottish houses may have built in "Glory Holes", under plans to improve the home like qualities of new build designs. A proposed new development of 3000 homes along the banks of Loch Ness will each have a glory hole, with larger properties having...

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Scots Tory Conference - "A Great Success"

Scottish Tory leader Annabel Goldie has described as this year's conference in Perth as "the best one yet". A beaming Goldie addressed the press outside the Dewars Centre immediately after the 2011 Conference had drawn to a close: This year's conference has been a resounding success. Only 10% of our older delegates had to be given artificial resuscitation this year, which represents a 50%...

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Secret Cache Of Bagpipes Found After Tip Off

Stopping short of total surrender, the treaty signed by pro Scottish Independence clan chiefs after the referendum defeat included a clause dealing with the decommissioning of bagpipes and the handing over of them to dangerous musical instrument dum...

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Scotland's other National Drink Stink

Everybody knows that Scotland's National Drink is whisky, but in Scotland there is a drink that is referred to as Scotland's other national drink a soft drink called Iron Bru. If you go anywhere in the world the top selling soft drink is cola but...

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Football Gossip: Klopp vs. Mourinho, Scotland Women, Oh No! MAUREEN SACKED

After his ailing team's 3-1 defeat on Sunday,"manager" of Manchester United, Jose Mourinho revealed the contrast in management style between him and Liverpool's Juergen Klopp . Klopp's philosophy is that a win is credited to his players but in the ca...

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Everton Boss David Moyes Banished From Dugout For Wearing A Kilt

There was chaos at the Britannia Stadium this afternoon when Everton boss David Moyes was sent from the dugout during his side's visit to Stoke, after the referee spotted him wearing a kilt! Moyes, who is Scottish, was deemed by referee Alan Wiley...

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Football Gossip & comments 5th August 2012

Northern Premier League side Kendal United have signed a sponsorship deal with a company which makes fake beards. (Metro) Handy for the manager if he needs to sneak away without giving a press conference after a bad defeat. Celtic goalkeeper Fraser Forster has likened HJK Helsinki's artificial surface, where the Scottish champions will perform on Wednesday, to playing in a car park. (Sunday...

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England Set To Vote Scotland Out of The Union - USA May Want To Consider Voting Out Georgia

The main UK party leaders are urging the English to campaign to have Scotland removed from the Union and to force Scottish people to stop calling themselves British. Prime Minister David Cameron and Labour leader Ed Miliband will abandon their wee...

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