Funny story: HEATWAVE LATEST: Tempers flare as temperatures in Scotland top 9 degrees

HEATWAVE LATEST: Tempers flare as temperatures in Scotland top 9 degrees

There were ugly scenes in a number of Scottish cities, including Glasgow and Dundee, yesterday, as the mercury soared to an unprecedented July high of 9.8 degrees celsius north of the border. Scuffles broke out at a number of open-air pools and li...

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Funny story: Office workers to face corporal punishment when they misbehave

Office workers to face corporal punishment when they misbehave

- IFL Group, an Internet marketing agency in Aberdeen brought in the system - Punishment is used on 'a minority' of workers with low productivity or who misbehave - Bosses smacking their employees will 'encourage other workers to work harder'...

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Funny story: Scotland's "War on Haggis" not working

Scotland's "War on Haggis" not working

First Minister of Scotland Jock McSporran has admitted publicly that his government's policies on controlling the country's obesity problem have not been as successful as planned. Scotland introduced a ban on deep fried produce in 2010, after the Cel...

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Funny story: Andy Murray to Retire to Concentrate on Haggis Farming

Andy Murray to Retire to Concentrate on Haggis Farming

Everybody's favourite Scottish curmudgeon, Andy Murray, lost in five sets to some Spanish bloke nobody cares about, after having produced a superb fightback in the Australian Open first round. In what might or might not have been his final match,...

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Funny story: England win over Scotland is 'actually a defeat' say critics

England win over Scotland is 'actually a defeat' say critics

The England football teams controversial 3-2 win over auld enemies Scotchland is to be investigated by the FA and FIFA, after various overpaid journalists, broadcasters and ex-players pointed out that the overpaid over-pampered players of the English...

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Funny story: Glasgow Kiss For UKIP

Glasgow Kiss For UKIP

Nigel Farrago was having a rethink over his Gay Marriage policy after receiving a Glasgow Kiss in Scotland. Blinded with emotion he declared: 'My welcome here has moved me considerably and in honour of my Scottish pals I've decided to break with t...

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Funny story: Kenny Miller In Race Row

Kenny Miller In Race Row

Scotland's Kenny Miller has provoked a race row after suggesting that referee Mark Whitby disallowed a penalty claim and also booked the striker in Sunday's Carling Nations Cup fixture because he's Scottish. The former Rangers forward was incensed...

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Funny story: SFA Chief Rages At Old Firm

SFA Chief Rages At Old Firm

The Scottish Football Association's chief executive Stewart Regan is threatening to take a hard line against the Old Firm after the sectarian singing that blighted the recent League Cup Final. The SFA chief was attending the UEFA Congress in Paris...

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Funny story: 'One Day In The Life Of Ivan Denisovich' by Alexander Solzhenitsyn republished

'One Day In The Life Of Ivan Denisovich' by Alexander Solzhenitsyn republished

'Ivan Denisovich checked he had his only possession safely in the pocket of his tattered coat - a stainless steel spoon - and then went out into the yard with the other prisoners of the Macsow Gulag labour camp. As always it was bitterly cold with ice and snow packed onto the ground by months of feet walking over it, feet like Denisovich's which were only wrapped in bits of dirty cloth. 'Putin,...

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Funny story: Haggis Arrested Following Robbery

Haggis Arrested Following Robbery

Coppers have rounded up a runaway gang of vagrant haggis bank robbers in the highlands. The haggis, of which there were eighteen, were found running around in circles in a swamp on Glen Regis with a sack full of Swiss bank notes and a barrel of b...

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Funny story: Ed Milipede leadership debate on Scottish tv improved 100% by sex scene.

Ed Milipede leadership debate on Scottish tv improved 100% by sex scene.

Television viewers were overjoyed last night when a sex scene appeared in the background during a boring news debate. A naked blonde woman could be seen on a studio TV screen as Ed Milipede's leadership of the Labour Party was debated on McScottis...

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Funny story: Translation software breaks down - no-one can understand Scots any more

Translation software breaks down - no-one can understand Scots any more

In a blow to Alex Salmond's promise to bring Scotland into the 21st century, the translation software that enables the rest of the world to understand what Scotch folk say, has broken down.

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Funny story: New Scottish pricing policy to cost food in units of alcohol that could be purchased

New Scottish pricing policy to cost food in units of alcohol that could be purchased

SNP plans to introduce a new pricing policy in Scotland where the cost of food will be equated to the alternative number of units of alcohol that could be purchased for the same cost, have been broadly welcomed. Health Secretary Nicola Sturgeon s...

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Funny story: Queen summons army to quell rebellious Scots

Queen summons army to quell rebellious Scots

Her Majesty the Queen was at the head of a five thousand-strong army marching to the Scottish border last night. The Queen has grown weary of Scottish dissent and repeated calls for independence from the United Kingdom, and will attempt to quell t...

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Funny story: General Election Red Herring: Piers Morgan Wins Alex Salmond Nationalism Award

General Election Red Herring: Piers Morgan Wins Alex Salmond Nationalism Award

Piers Morgan is not only one of the UK's most lovable and highly respected journalists; he has now been given an award from Alex Salmond for his sterling contributions to the Scottish Nationalist cause. Salmond groans: "Personally, when I say...

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Funny story: Wales criticised for lack of exciting news

Wales criticised for lack of exciting news

The Welsh Assembly today reacted angrily to criticisms that 'simply nothing worth reporting' goes on in Wales. A report by CeeBeebies says that, compared to Scotland, Wales looks like it's been in a cultural coma for years. CeeBeebies' spokespe...

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Funny story: Brown and Boyle Face SFA Probe

Brown and Boyle Face SFA Probe

Aberdeen manager Craig Brown and Motherwell owner John Boyle are to face a Scottish Football Association hearing after their touchline altercation at the end of last week's SPL fixture. The SFA's Disciplinary Committee confirmed that the two men's...

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Funny story: Scottish Police to Merge

Scottish Police to Merge

The eight Scottish police forces are to merge over the next year to save administration costs. "This will allow us to save money," said stereotypical Scot and leader of the Scottish Parliament, Michael Moore. "Something all stereotypical Scots sho...

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Funny story: Scottish Nationalists to return Eurosquillions winners' £1 million cheque

Scottish Nationalists to return Eurosquillions winners' £1 million cheque

Lard, Ayrshire - They famously scooped £161 million on the Lot and wowed Alex Salmond with their £1 million SNP bung. Today Michelin Man lookalikes Colin and Chris Weird (sic) face the ignominy (WTF that? - 'Ed') of seeing their cheque returned.

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Funny story: Future News: Scotland Seceeds from United Kingdom

Future News: Scotland Seceeds from United Kingdom

(Published 2014) EDINBURGH - A referendum by the Scottish National Party (SNP) has found out that 70% of Scotland want to become independent from the United Kingdom. However, Scotland has been fast-tracked to join the European Union (EU), and will...

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