Bagpipes To Be Phased Out

Written by Monkey Woods

Wednesday, 27 May 2020

image for Bagpipes To Be Phased Out
A man blowing into a bag, and randomly moving his fingers

The traditional sound of Highland bagpipes, the musical accomplishment of a thousand years of Scottish heritage, is to be phased out over the next twelve months, after it emerged that many people don't like it, and countless others find it downright annoying.

Scottish leader, Nichola Sturgeon, herself a leading anti-bagpipes advocate, told members of the press that the bagpipes' days are numbered, and that number is 365.

It's often thought, by bystanding listeners in the street, that the bagpipes are a highly-complex instrument for which many years of practice are needed before one can claim to be 'accomplished'.

This, however, isn't true.

An expert on bagpipes, James Jockson, admitted that there isn't much to it, really:

"Most people start playing the bagpipes after a heavy night on the piss. Usually as a prank, and often as part of a wager. A good pair of lungs is needed, of course, but, after that, it's just a case of blowing indiscriminately into the bag, and moving your fingers up and down the tubes 'at random'. It's as simple as that!"

The bagpipes can often be heard on significant public holidays, major national events, and on important sporting occasions, but received a hammer-blow to their reputation when the Duke of Edinburgh, at Murrayfield for a Scotland v. England Six Nations rugby match, was overheard telling to the Queen:

"Zounds! I hate that infernal racket. What I wouldn't give for it to stop!"

Although the bagpipes are seen as 'the Scottish instrument', they were first used by the Hittites around 1,000BC, and are still used to bore people in many countries around the world today.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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