Boris Johnson is concerned that his message for everyone to wear masks in shops, banks and post offices may be taken advantage of.
‘Business has been slow,’ said Robbie the Robber, ‘but this idea of Boris’, everyone wearing masks, is great, as no one suspects anything until it’s too late - right on Boris.’
Home Secretary Priti Patel expressed concerns for robbers who are only now starting to make a comeback, ‘If they wear approved anti-Covid masks, that will be fine, but my worry is about those wearing stockings, which offer no protection to robbery victims, or worse still, bandannas - they are so 80s Axl Rose.’
Former Rolling Stone girlfriend, Mrs Murdock, who runs a newsagents, said that her robber could have had the days takings, ‘But I couldn’t understand a word he was saying. Then he removed his mask and shouted at me. Well, I just saw red and told him to leave. Have these people got no manners?’
In Scotland, people have been wearing masks in shops for a while, with no increase in robberies, but Patel said, ‘It’s Scotland! There’s nothing worth robbing, and, in any case, we don’t get any votes up there, that’s just the testing ground.’
Brenda O’Lox from Serendipitous Beauty Salon also sees the benefits. ‘We have loads of face masks available. My fave is anchovies & pickled onions, which is also good for social distancing.’