Posthoorn Interview no. 2: Is Tom first 'Brexit prepper'?

Written by Marion Morris

Sunday, 18 September 2016


The story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Tom from Scotland, has lived in The Netherlands since 1972 and has a Dutch wife. The editorial office of the world famous weekly newspaper The Posthoorn (chosen by 75% of their readers as their favorite alternative cat litter) send their reporter to the local pub of Tom the day after the referendum to hear if he thinks he will have to leave the EU. The reporter then found Tom in reasonable good spirits (and drinking them), but how is Tom doing 11 weeks later? Rumors are that British people need a visa to work and live abroad. Some British people thought it meant a credit card, but no, they need an actual visa to work and live here. A grim prospect.

The reporter found Tom on the terrace of the KW surrounded by his friends. Ten lukewarm beers, again looking like cat's piss, are standing in the sun waiting for Tom to drink. Why 10? Tom shrugs his shoulders: "You know when I was experimenting turning Dutch beer into English the last time, I sort of forgot the speed at which people are drinking in Scotland, 10 beers per hour is normal, hence now I'm experimenting with drinking as much as I can in one hour." The reporter is impressed with Tom's preparations and asked if he is now a full time 'Brexit prepper'.

"Maybe I am", Tom says, drinking the first of ten beers. "You know it is very nice of my son to offer me his shed, but what if I want to live in the city. I actually have no idea anymore what it is to live in Scotland. However, I did some research." The reporter asks if Tom is ready to share his research, so other "preppers" may benefit from it. "Well I bought 'Braveheart' for getting some idea how living in the countryside is and 'Trainspotting' if I decided to live in the city. It did surprise me to see how violent Scotland has become".

Any more 'prepping' Tom has done in case of? "Oh yes, I do not sit in the sun anymore and even in the shade I use sun factor 50. Scottish people usually avoid the sun and fresh air even when outside". "That's right", his wife says waiving her sixth Calvados, and in the silent opinion of the reporter was the one who should have used factor 50, her arms a battlefield of moles and wrinkles. "I am always the one who has to open the windows for some fresh air, it would not even cross Tom's mind to do so". Tom drinks his 2nd beer and gives a sad smile. "When I just moved to the Netherlands I thought the Dutch people were so friendly, they would look at me, embrace me, move their hands over my arms, hold my wrists and look me in the eye. I was so touched, until a friend told me that people were worried about me because I looked so pale and were actually checking if I still had a pulse."

The reporter takes his leave in wishing Tom good luck. On the way out the bar owner (PR) says the reporter can now mention his bar in the paper. "We get so many English tourist in since Tom started his experiments with the beer. Those beers outside in the sun attracts them by the dozen." Better not, this reporter thinks, too many British people in The Netherlands would bother Tom to be their main 'Brexit prepper', Tom has already enough on his plate and palate.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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