Coppers have arrested a gaggle of raucous haggis who decided to turn deaf ear to new social-distancing regulations by having a tear-up on Glen Tilt.
Authorities arrived at scenes of utter degradation just after one o’clock this morning, after being tipped off by a golden eagle with an anxiety problem.
“They were three sheets to the wind,” said Constable Bagby, who was first to the scene. “All eighteen of them. Absolutely potted. I’ve never seen such degradation in all my life…….. They were necking some sort of neat potcheen and passing around crack bongs. A few of them had frenzied into madness and were engaged in a bawdy tango dance on top of a fistful of tangled wheatgrass they’d turned into a trapeze.”
“One was playing psychedelic ectofolk on a fiddle with his penis.”
“They obviously presume they can simply pooh-pooh the rules and go around the barn. Can you imagine what state this country would be in if we all exerted ourselves like this?”
It was confirmed this morning that they’d stolen six barrels of single malt from a local distillery, and had burned an effigy of Gary McAllister on a raging bonfire that took the fire brigade nearly three hours to put out.
“We’ll never forgive that penalty miss at ’96!” one of them bawled as the coppers dragged him away. “Never!”
The haggis’ ringleader has since issued a statement apologising to the golden eagle, and has donated what was left of the six barrels of whiskey to SoccerAid.
Their parents have been advised that the crack bong is missing.