Alex Salmond Promises Scottish Only Music Charts On Independence Free of English Queerness

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Sunday, 10 August 2014


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After a tough week in which critics and supporters both agreed that he hadn't fared well in the first live television debate, Alex Salmond has decided to go for the youth vote, promising that never again will Scotland have to listen to the Top 40 where there was not one Scottish band featured. Why should Scots have to be forced to listen to a charts that we didn't buy or take part in, he said today.

Furthermore in troubling sign for effeminate Scottish musicians, Salmond vowed finally Scottish music will be free after 400 years of English sexual perversions like the promotion of buggery in lyrics and the aggressive feminisation of men, vowing music and bands like George Fornby, New Romantics, Emo and Steps would never again get airplay and be allowed to destroy the moral fibre of the fierce and proud Scot.

These statements have been mocked by some for its factual inaccuracies however
Salmond's at times anti gay music stance has overshadowed his wider statements on the extreme destitution suffered by Scottish musicians. Independence he argued would shake off years of musical occupation that has led to the countless deaths of penniless musicians, who really should have been as rich as the Rolling Stones, The Who or Cliff Richard and the Shadows.

Salmond slammed English colonialist for forcing often Scottish female artist to having to go and practically prostitute themselves on the streets of London to gets record contract, all because of the inherent bias in the English system.

In a claim that hasn't been able to be corroborated, Salmond says he remembers meeting a tearful Lulu in Stringfellows in the early 80s who was forced to sing for sleazy English aristocrats quaffing champagne, and he adds, 'I'm sure as she was past her best looks wise, she had to lie back and think of Bonnie Scotland in order to pay for the schooling for her children, each and every night'. Why why why do we allow this to happen to Scottish women let alone cultural treasures like Lulu.

He reserved his greatest anger for Thatcher for speeding up cultural annihilation, Salmond says the decimation of Scottish industry under Thatcher, meant there was no money even left for people to give money for buskers, let along providing a supper and a happy finish for these artists, leaving them defenceless on the streets.

For Salmond, Scots need to know the charge sheet against the English. The worse for him, was the perverted English music executives with their aggressive homosexual agenda for Scottish music, forcing previously straight musicians to act and eventually become permanently gay, as the English establishment couldn't tolerate a straight Scottish singer with sex appeal.

Had Scotland had a Scottish only top 40, stars like Jimmy Sommervile could have been happily married in Glasgow and not degraded themselves by having to play the English Dandy singing anti-Scottish songs like Small Town Boy and Don't Leave Me This Way.

Annie Lennox was another artists who he wished Scotland could have protected and nurtured, with Salmond on another vicious attack, 'instead she had to lesbian it up in London and work in the 80s London S&M scene, which was notoriously anti Scottish and worse, where her ginger hair made her novelty item, another cruel exploitation of Scottish features'.

Salmond also knows of secret dossiers detailing Thatcher screaming at Radio 1 DJs for playing so many Scots that it was making them seem human and almost English, undermining her plan to push Scotland into the sea.

Gay groups in England question Salmond's invention of facts, making spurious allegations at out and proud gay stars, arguing that Sommervile was happily gay in London from day one, escaping Scotland's homophobic culture. However gay groups in Scotland have remained quiet on the issue, fearing for their future if they speak out, come independence.

Other artists he highlighted that Scotland had lost was Sheena Easton forced to work as a token 'Scottish hoe' for American pimp Prince, when she had a respectable job working in a chippe. Anti racism groups have questioned if Salmond is in fact xenophobic, having also accusing Wet Wet Wet of being forced to sing black music despite being quite a successful Ceilidh band north of the border.

Recalling his own unhappy childhood when he was forced to listen to English pop music, it is only now in his Middle Ages that he has discovered the wealth of music talent and says he looks forward to next year when he can co-host the first ever Scottish top 40.

Asked to name the type of music he likes, Salmond said the SNP sees the Red Hot Chilli Pippers as a model band and will subsidies those bands that looks to Scotland's glorious musical past before 1603 when the English stole James VI and then slaughtered all male bagpipe players over the ages of 18, a policy that was only over turned after the success of the film Braveheart.

The no campaign have yet to reply, but are believed to be calling on their celebrity supporters to counter these arguments.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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