Jeffrey Toolbin to moderate final Presidential Debate
New York, NY - Tool News Service According to the news wire, Jeffrey Toolbin has been promoted by The New Yorker and appointed as the moderator for the final Presidential Debate. Jeffrey “tool” Toobin has selected Michael Jackson’s Beat It as the…
Read full storyMan Didn't Really Feel Like It Very Much Today
A man who had taken about as much as he could possibly take - and maybe even a little bit more - has said that, as far as employment matters go, he simply just could not be bothered today. "I know it sounds unprofessional," said a jaded-looking Mo…
Read full storyTrump Goes to Church With Hope Hicks – Where The Hell is Melania?
LAS VEGAS – (Satire News) - The Las Vegas Roulette Gazette newspaper is reporting that the president did something that he has not done in 6 years. He actually set foot in a church. Trump attended Our Lady of The Roulette Wheel in downtown Las Veg…
Read full storyLas Vegas Job Waiting For Trump After White House
With a no-kill switch or mute button at Donald Trump’s next job, (should he be willing to accept it) there's a one-hour opening act for headline performers, blasting away and slandering whomever he wishes, church, science, allies, newscasters, women,…
Read full storyWhy Communist Can’t Win
To all the Marxist revolutionaries - you’ve got an image problem. Here are a list of all the losing strategies in use that engender the same hatred towards you, that you have against all others: Before we get to the list, it should be noted that t…
Read full storyZoom rolls out new worry-free masturbation feature, makes pork-pulling look like note-taking
Zoom, the popular online video conferencing company, announced today a new feature with advanced artificial intelligence to let users masturbate without fussing with their camera and microphone settings, making it appear as if they are furiously tak…
Read full storyBiden pardons son in advance of winning the presidency
CBS News has just released intimate details of a new plan by Mr. Biden, who is running for the office of President of the United States. “It is very clear I am going to win,” Mr. Biden has said, from behind a double-masked lower face. Wearing t…
Read full storyVictim who sent police to wrong house, resulting in SWAT killing an innocent family, is jailed for murder
A rape victim who dialled 911 when the man whose house she was visiting unexpectedly raped her, but got the house number wrong because she had never been there before, and was suffering from PTSD from the attack, was yesterday convicted of murder, wh…
Read full storyToobin's Erection Stimulation Error
Jeffrey Toobin, famed legal analyst for CNN has been allowed to take time off from the job of belittling Trump to tend to “a small personal matter” says the network. The incident that sparked the trouble occurred during a CNN election show rehear…
Read full storyBecause of yet another lockdown, Belgium is giving away all their delicious beer to foreigners daring to enter the country!
(NOT EDITED) Belgians renowned for their superb tasting beers, BURP, have decided to give away all of it to any foreign Nutters daring to enter their wonderful country because of another lockdown. However, there are a few minor pieces of criteria…
Read full storyThe Zak-Less Dallas Cowboys Play Hapless
DALLAS – (Sports Satire) – It has been a long time since an NFL team missed a player the way the Cowboys are missing quarterback, Dak Prescott. The Cowpokes poked along at the start of the game, and kept to their habitual gameplan of taking out th…
Read full storyDerek Hough and His Girlfriend Hayley Erbert Erotically Sizzled on the Dancing With The Star’s Ballroom Dance Floor
HOLLYWOOD – (Celebrity Satire) – Professional dancers Derek Hough and his girlfriend Hayley Erbert blew away the entire troupe of DWTS’s dancers. Bedroom Pillow Talk’s Carolina Chipotle said that it was the best dance performance she had ever seen…
Read full storyMegyn Kelly Insults Kamala Harris and Then Gets Her Lily-White Butt Handed to Her
NEW YORK CITY – (Satire News) – CNN says that former television news show host Megyn Kelly is trying extremely hard to become relevant again, but she is falling flat on her frumpy, frowning face. Kelly, who once said that the tooth fairy was gay,…
Read full storyPresident Trump is Now Claiming That Eating McDonalds French Fries is Really What Cured Him of the Coronavirus
CRACKERHEAD, Georgia – (Satire News) – The president spoke before a totally maskless crowd of 218 supporters, who cheered his every word, including 7 times when he sneezed, and 73 times when he coughed. One front row audience member was overheard…
Read full storyPeople Who Worship Jesus Also Worship Trump Because That’s Forking Laughable
Washington - People in the United States who say they follow the life and teachings of a man who lived 2000 years ago, and inspired his followers to be humble, kind, considerate, truthful and follow biblical laws, also have fallen in deep love with a…
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