Zoom rolls out new worry-free masturbation feature, makes pork-pulling look like note-taking

Funny story written by Dr. Strangelove

Tuesday, 20 October 2020

image for Zoom rolls out new worry-free masturbation feature, makes pork-pulling look like note-taking

Zoom, the popular online video conferencing company, announced today a new feature with advanced artificial intelligence to let users masturbate without fussing with their camera and microphone settings, making it appear as if they are furiously taking notes.

The now wank-friendly app developed the new default feature to automatically detect men shaking hands with the milkman during work and social video conferences, and avoid embarrassing mishaps.

"It works best if you stick your pole directly in front of the camera and work it while grunting rhythmically," the company said in today's press release, noting that "we've tested it extensively on all cock sizes and colors and room positions with a 98% accuracy."

The company also announced today they are working with software guru DeepFakeCumMonster to digitally transform videos of meeting attendees into live porn chaterbates, so users can celebrate Palm Sunday with any office hottie or distant cousin.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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