Vegans Ecstatic as COVID-19 Does What Decades of Protesting Could Not Accomplish
(Worthington, Minnesota) Vegans around the country joyously celebrated today as JBS, the world’s largest producer of certified dolphin-free beef and heart-healthy pork and pork by-products, shuttered its largest production facility in the U.S. this w...
Read full storyBarack The Great Finally Crowns Biden As His Successor
BILLINGSGATE POST: Not since Pope Leo III crowned Charlemagne as Imperator Augustus on December 25, 800, has a man been so deified by the masses. Barack the Great is in step to follow Charles the Great, who ruled the Holy Roman Empire until he died...
Read full storyScientists Reluctantly Share New “Earth-Like” Planet Discovery
(Pasadena, California) On what would normally be joyously hailed as “hope that a second Earth lies among the stars,” scientists at NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory at the California Institute of Technology today unenthusiastically mentioned the disco...
Read full storyTrump To Announce Biden Started Coronavirus
Since Donald Trump is way low in the polls, and the Ukraine Bursa smear campaign against Joe Biden and son Hunter never took off the ground, Trump is sprucing up a new smear campaign. This one is also against Joe Biden, and, so far, Trump hasn’t trie...
Read full storyWoman nods at man
Mithering on the Trent barmaid, Tracy Brassingthwaite, is recovering after the minor faux pas of nodding at a man in the street. 'All right, me duck,' said Tracy, in her comedy northern accent. 'It was so embarrassing, I thought I knew him, but I...
Read full storyTV Fan confused by shows
Upon watching Belgravia and Friday Night Dinners, television consumer, Brian Asshat, has told no-one in particular that he is confused, because two actors star in the two shows. Paul Ritter and Tamsin Grieg play a husband and wife in Friday Night...
Read full storyClematis Wilt Album has now sold its 35th copy
Cult band, Clematis Wilt, have sold the thirty-fifth copy of their magnum opus, Boris Broke the Music Box. Band leaders, Butch Arpeggio and Daniel Pretension, are said to be delighted. The 1973 album was supposed to be a folly, with the week-long...
Read full storyNational Steakhouse Chain Restaurant Gloating After Receiving SBA Loan Meant For Small Business
National Steakhouse chain restaurant, Chris' Ruth, have announced that, despite making over $900 million in profit last year, they still received $40 million from The Paycheck Protection Program, which exhausted its $350 billion in funding last week.
Read full storyBand still working on their debut album
Accountant, Mike Smyth, 40, and his former college mate, Dave, and comedy sidekick, Mucus, will begin working on their debut album during lockdown, more than twenty years since they first met. The trio, who when first meeting called themselves Tri...
Read full storyA Man quite liked Belgravia
Although it wasn't particularly deep, the acting wasn't up too much, and the ending was predictable, TV critic from Chutney on the Fritz, Gary Johnson, actually quite liked Belgravia. 'I was only really watching it because Tara Fitzgerald was in i...
Read full storyHim from that thing, now in this other thing
An actor that you vaguely remember from something with Claire Goose, and another thing with Julia Sawalha, is now in another thing that you might want to watch. The man with a familiar face, but a forgettable name, will be appearing as world-weary...
Read full storyMan Smelt A Rat
There probably isn't a single person, alive or dead, who hasn't felt it. The unmistakable instinctive feeling that something 'isn't quite right' about a person, situation, or thing, and we've all used the well-worn phrase: "I smell a rat." And...
Read full storyHard Time for Viagra Astronauts
THE sponsors of America’s first manned commercial space flight have been announced as Viagra. Elon Musk, who runs Space X, the company ready to launch its first two astronauts into orbit shortly, said that the sponsorship deal had attracted stiff...
Read full storyAttractive Woman Hurt No One Willing to Social Distance With Her
Isolated and craving physical companionship in the midst of the nationwide coronavirus lockdown, Bonnie Radick of Nashville, Tennessee, was hurt that, while there were a good number of men willing to come have sex with her, she could not find anyone,...
Read full storyBoris Johnson orders everyone in the UK to "dress up as a letterbox" to thwart coronavirus
In his first action as Prime Minister after being seriously ill due to coronavirus, Boris Johnson has ordered that every man, woman and child "dress up as a letterbox" to prevent the disease's spread. Sixty-five million "Boris burqas" have been or...
Read full storyEbola versus COVID-19 - The Movie
Breaking News from Hollywood. Famous film writer, producer and director, Sylvester Iceberg, has announced his latest project will be based on a battle between the Ebola virus and the COVID-19 virus - to take over the world. Famous for movies like T...
Read full storyFlorida Reopens The Infamous Hurricane Beach
HURRICANE BEACH, Florida – In what local residents are calling a very unpopular decision in this day of the Coronavirus, the Florida Beach Authority has decided to reopen Hurricane Beach. When life-time resident, Trixie Belle Stufflebaum, 91, hear...
Read full storyConservative News Mogul Matt Drudge Says He Doesn’t Like President Trump Trying to Boss Him Around
MIAMI – One of Trump’s biggest supporters seems to have turned on his once-upon-a-time hero. Matt Drudge, of the famed conservative site The Drudge Report, says that he does not like the president telling him what to print and what not to print.
Read full storyRolling Stones Legendary Drummer Charlie Watts Steals the “Together at Home” Virtual Concert with His Amazing Air Drumming
NEW YORK CITY – Lady Gaga dreamed up the idea for a show for all of the people who are sheltering-in-place, and as a tribute to the millions of health care workers. She had a total of 127 singers and musicians perform on ABC, CBS, NBC, Telemundo,...
Read full storyIndianapolis 500 Race Officials Have Decided to Move The Memorial Day Race To Wyoming
INDIANAPOLIS – Officials for the Indianapolis 500 have been wrestling with the problem of this year's Memorial Day classic. And it appears that the committee has decided to move this year’s race out of Indiana. They cited the large amount of C-...
Read full storyMan Considering Going Into Marble Production
A man who has an uncanny sense of identifying social trends just before they happen, has said he is considering setting up a manufacturing works in order to go into full production of small, glass marbles. Marbles is a game of tact and skill tradi...
Read full storyLocal woman slams partner's 'pathetic' performance after semaphore sex romp
A 23-year-old Whitechapel woman has berated her boyfriend's sexual performance, branding it, 'pathetic', after the pair had indulged in a steamy romp using semaphore flags. Tracy Dell, a hairdresser from Dock Lane, told The East London Gazette: "W...
Read full storyTrump announces Strategic Toilet Roll Stockpile
In his daily COVID-19 address to the nation, President Donald Trump announced plans to assemble a U S. strategic stockpile of toilet rolls to deal with future pandemics. Speaking from his private, 20-feet by 20-feet White House toilet stateroom w...
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