Attractive Woman Hurt No One Willing to Social Distance With Her

Written by Chrissy Benson

Monday, 20 April 2020

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While not lacking for male suitors, Bonnie Radick couldn't find any men willing to go the social distance with her.

Isolated and craving physical companionship in the midst of the nationwide coronavirus lockdown, Bonnie Radick of Nashville, Tennessee, was hurt that, while there were a good number of men willing to come have sex with her, she could not find anyone, male or female, willing to social distance with her.

“You find out who your friends are during times like this,” said the 34-year-old Radick. “And I found out I have none. The guys I know just want to sleep with me, and women I know are just as glad never to see me. No one wants to just talk to me from a few feet away.”

While there were a few female acquaintances who professed to miss her, said Radick, their politically correct insistence on strict adherence to the governor's shelter in place order won out over their desire for her in-person company. "Rules, rules, rules," said Radick. "Who knew how much all my female friends loved them! It's like now they have a purpose in life - a reason for getting up in the morning. Which is not to leave their houses."

Fortunately, said Radick, the experience of having no one but herself to rely on has spurred her creativity and gotten her back in touch with her inner child. “I'm writing a children’s book about a homeless girl who lives in an alley,” she said. “And I’m learning to play guitar.”

Radick said that she is also contemplating applying to grad school for psychology, in order to learn more about why people suck so much. “I didn’t mean it that way,” she said. “I mean, learn how the mind works. What makes people tick.”

Radick added that once the dark cloud of COVID-19 has lifted and life returns, more or less, to normal, she doesn’t anticipate that much will personally change for her. “At this point, I’m kind of my own favorite person. So maybe I’ll start incorporating other people into my lifestyle again at some point, but for now, I’m good. Thanks, coronavirus!”

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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