Vegans Ecstatic as COVID-19 Does What Decades of Protesting Could Not Accomplish

Funny story written by Reggie "Rex" Stain

Monday, 20 April 2020

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(Worthington, Minnesota) Vegans around the country joyously celebrated today as JBS, the world’s largest producer of certified dolphin-free beef and heart-healthy pork and pork by-products, shuttered its largest production facility in the U.S. this week over an outbreak of Coronavirus there. This is the third closing for JBS this week, joining other closings by producers Hormel and Tyson Foods, which have had similar virus outbreaks in their slaughterhouses and production facilities. Although hundreds of workers have been infected with dozens fighting for their lives, vegans are overjoyed by these closings and subsequent impact on our food supply chain.

We caught up with one vegan activist, Celeste Saffron, at her rammed-mud hut in the Sunburst Sanctuary in California. “I am a lifelong vegan, and, for decades, we have been protesting the exploitation of animals, as well as the consumption of meat at the expense of beautiful, sentient creatures, and nothing has happened.” She restlessly shuffled the Goodwill-acquired worn Birkenstocks on her feet, and continued, “As a vegan, I have organized protests at the local Whole Foods meat counter, yelled and screamed at people outside of Chick Fil A, and tried to block the trucks full of beautiful future-bacon at the entrances of production facilities.”

Brushing the dank, greasy hair braids from her face, she added, “Up to this point, my efforts as a vegan have not made any difference. Now, with the virus, industrial animal flesh production plants are shutting down across the country. We vegans welcome this virus with open arms as a savior and ally in our fight against the Big Mac consumption society.”

When asked about the thousands of workers now infected with the virus and dozens expected to die, Celeste became indignant, “To a vegan like me, those lives are no more important than the Egg McMuffin you had for breakfast! If it takes a virus to halt meat production, and people die in the process, it’s better for them than the Wilbur or Pickwick or Nemo lives that are saved.”

Bringing up the fact that vegans can become infected with the virus just as easily as those who consume meat, she paused in her herbal-tea infused stream of consciousness to take a whiff from a scented candle and retorted: “We are immune! Look, it was a BAT that brought us this virus. Doesn’t that tell you something? Doesn’t that tell you the animal kingdom has had enough? Don’t you think they have been plotting this for years? The Bats are on OUR side!”

We left Celeste so she could prepare dinner of Beyond Meat burgers, which simulate the flavor and blood juices of burgers made from “exploited” species. But in a vegan way.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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