Local woman slams partner's 'pathetic' performance after semaphore sex romp

Funny story written by Clive Danton

Monday, 20 April 2020

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A 23-year-old Whitechapel woman has berated her boyfriend's sexual performance, branding it, 'pathetic', after the pair had indulged in a steamy romp using semaphore flags.

Tracy Dell, a hairdresser from Dock Lane, told The East London Gazette: "We'd not been able to meet up for regular sex due to the lockdown, so I hit upon the idea of doing it by semaphore from the roofs of our blocks of flats, which are quite close to each other.

"I made a real effort on the night, did my hair and makeup, and put on a revealing, off-the-shoulder cocktail dress, before going up to the roof.

"I knew he was impressed, because he started signalling in an excited manner as soon as he saw me, but I was more interested in the long game, so I signalled that I was putting my dressing gown on to keep the cold out.

"He slowed down a bit then, but, as soon as I signalled that I was climbing into bed, he began signalling furiously. At one point, he was going so fast, I couldn't even make out what he was saying.

"Suddenly, his flags went limp at his sides, and I could see that he was lighting a cigarette.

"I signalled that I could wait another half an hour, but he wasn't interested.

"He then gave the standard signing-off signal, and left the roof.

"A bit later, using binoculars, I spotted him in his flat on his Playstation. Absolutely pathetic!"

Miss Dell's revelations come just a week after a 22-year-old woman, from neighbouring Aldgate, complained that her boyfriend, who had been drinking heavily in his flat in Spitalfields, was unable to gain an erection, despite the fact that she told him she was wearing a French maid's outfit via Morse code.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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