National Steakhouse Chain Restaurant Gloating After Receiving SBA Loan Meant For Small Business

Funny story written by Dewani Unhatched

Monday, 20 April 2020

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Keeping America Great

National Steakhouse chain restaurant, Chris' Ruth, have announced that, despite making over $900 million in profit last year, they still received $40 million from The Paycheck Protection Program, which exhausted its $350 billion in funding last week. Meanwhile, 'Dave's Sandwich & Snack Bar' missed out on the loan, forcing the owner, 'Dave', to close shop, and shut down his business for good.

CEO of Chris' Ruth, Alan G Reedy, has not wasted any opportunity in rubbing everyone’s face in his gratitude for the loan, and has reportedly taken every possible opportunity to pat himself on the back for obtaining funds which his company didn't even need.

"Since COVID-19 started, I feel like the company has a new lease on life,” boasted Reedy, during yet another of his unbelievably self-aggrandizing stories about having 'the greatest business brain on the planet'. “I feel great, and my business is doing great. I urge Congress to ensure that all large businesses take advantage of this opportunity and fuck the small ones. Especially businesses like 'Dave's Sandwich & Snack Bar', who don't charge $10 for a plate of french fries and $60 for an 8oz steak. Idiots like him, who aren't greedy scumbags, is what is wrong with America."

"We are still doing take out food, so we are still making money - BUT we don't need the waiters, so we are actually making more money than ever before!' the self-centered showboat continued, once again subjecting everyone within earshot to another one of his overbearing, obnoxious rants about how great America is. “When you get through something like this, it really changes your perspective. You understand what’s truly important in life. Things such as money, wealth, more money and sticking it to the little man.”

Not content to gloat and strut about in front of just those in his immediate vicinity, the haughty, self-important prick says he plans to seek out the biggest audience he can get by starting a blog to advise other large companies how to 'use the system' to get money while smaller businesses miss out.

The pretentious blowhard has reportedly not been shy about discussing what he vainly refers to as his company's “journey”. Sources confirmed that, when asked, the egomaniac won’t hesitate to drone on about how he screwed over the little guy to ensure he got richer, barely letting anyone else get a word in edgewise.

The out-of-control narcissist implying in so many words that everyone should bow down to his greatness for ripping off the taxpayer, small business and the 'little people', said: "This is what makes America great. The big guy always wins. And it is people like me, with our yachts, big houses, and expensive cars who are the real backbone of this great country. Not fools like 'Dave', who are just content to get by and serve his community. This whole episode will hopefully, once and for all, rid the country of these so-called 'mom and pop' businesses."

At press time, the unbearable asshole was asking fellow Americans to donate to a Go Fund Me page supporting his favorite charity 'Mansions for Millionaires'.


The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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