In his daily COVID-19 address to the nation, President Donald Trump announced plans to assemble a U S. strategic stockpile of toilet rolls to deal with future pandemics.
Speaking from his private, 20-feet by 20-feet White House toilet stateroom with a gold-plated bidet embossed with a framed picture of wife Melanoma, Trump stated, "Good morning, my fellow Americans, from the greatest country on earth, provided you're stinking rich and white like me ... I have a very, very, terribly important announcement to make, very, very important. Over the last few weeks of the COVAD... I mean COVUD... I mean that stinking germ thing the Chinese turned out of their labrarat.... labrarar.... just turned out, you know what I'm refering to ... it's become obvious that toilet rolls are more valuable than oil during a Panda mic... I mean pamdenic... you know, when lots and many, many poor people die 'coz they can't access health care.. that's Obama's problem not mine... So I've decided to start buying up millions and very much lots and lots of toilet rolls and storing them in underground awickfers, aquikers... you know those big holes in the ground where we used to keep oil. So the next time those Chinese Commo liars deliberately let loose another very, very, terribly big germ thing, the United States of America will be able to stand.... well, sit, on its own two feet and no American on my watch will ever again be forced to wipe their butt with a copy of the New York Times.. although that's probably the best thing you can do with all that very, very, terribly fake news, fake, fake news."
After a long pause, the President finished his announcement by saying, "When this germ thing is over, I plan to shirtfront that lying Chinese leader guy, See Imkingpin and I'll get him to personally, very, very personally pay for all these toilet rolls, and I may put a 1 million percent tariff on imports of Chinese toilet paper just to show him who's the boss around here. Thank you very much."