In his first action as Prime Minister after being seriously ill due to coronavirus, Boris Johnson has ordered that every man, woman and child "dress up as a letterbox" to prevent the disease's spread.
Sixty-five million "Boris burqas" have been ordered from a family factory in Slough, Geoff's Burqas, run by local entrepreneur, Geoff Burke. "We usually sell about three to four hundred a month," said Burke, "but I'm sure we can cope with demand. I've got the wife to ask her cousins to help out. I've even been sewing a few of them meself."
The PM is said to be immensely grateful to the NHS, who helped him recover, and has promised to do his best to ease their burden while the pandemic lasts. He believes that a burqa - or a "full body letterbox outfit", as he calls them - offers the best protection from germs.
Meanwhile, more details have been revealed at how the overweight Prime Minister managed to survive his bout of the virus. "Obviously, Johnson is in an at-risk category, being old, fat and unclean," said Doctor Hair of St Thomas's Hospital in London. "However, we believe that the virus got sick of him."
"Just as humans can become sick of the sight of the fat, scruffy buffoon, we believe that the virus could not cope with his chubby pasty body, and irrepressibly arrogant self-confidence. There may be a possible cure in all this, but it's too unpleasant to contemplate."
The hospital also had complaints about Johnson. "Although we are happy to have helped him survive, he caused damage to one of the ventilators when he tried to inseminate it. Really, everyone and everything around Boris needs to wear a burqa, not just him."