Jupiter, FL - Hidden amongst the golf courses, pharmacies and bingo rooms lies a community of seniors who are hungry for more than just a reasonably priced early bird special. A startling number of seniors are on the prowl for hardcore dog fighting rings within their own 55 and over community.
"That bastard had a winner's heart and the snout of a champion," shouted Norm Teague as he approached an acquaintance with his cup of coffee.
"You're crazy," replied his unidentified friend who was wearing a Michael Vick jersey. "Biscuit had heart but he wasn't aggressive enough. And in my book, he deserved everything he got last night, you moron!"
This bickering lasted for about an hour as stunned patrons of the local McDonalds overheard their graphic description of the previous night's dog fight.
Teague, 74, later explained how this taboo activity got its start within the protected walls of Sunny Side Acres.
"About 6 months ago Ernie Cooper and his wife go on vacation in the Dominican Republic. They get turned around looking for some restaurant and they stumble upon this dog fight right in the middle of the street. He says it was the most alive he felt in years. Bam! He gets this idea, right. Why not bring this type of action back to Sunny Side? So he and his wife come back, they get a few mutts at the pound and Sunny Side Dawgs is born."
Although these rogue seniors have not been caught in the act yet, authorities feel like they are getting close to shutting down their operations. Last week police stopped a Buick LeSabre on a routine traffic violation and found four muzzles and two shock collars in the back seat. The driver has been detained but is refusing to talk.
Police are forced to deal with a strict "No Snitching Policy" within the senior community as well as constantly changing venues. "Last week we got a tip that something was going down at the senior center. By the time SWAT rolled up all they found were two dog leashes, a bag of Werther's Originals and a cloud of dust." Officer Timothy Boyle has his own suspicions.
"A lot of these retired guys were judges, lawyers, and cops. They still have connections on the inside which is helping them stay two steps ahead of us."
For Teague, his friend and many other seniors, it's much more than just keeping busy on a slow Tuesday evening. It's a lifestyle. He boldly takes off his shirt in the crowded restaurant revealing his new tattoo that covers his entire wrinkled, pasty back. It read:
Bow Wow Mutha F#cka