Megan Fox Says Michael Bay Can Go F**k Himself

Funny story written by The San Francisco Onion

Thursday, 20 May 2010


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image for Megan Fox Says Michael Bay Can Go F**k Himself
The Hollywood hottie's career may yet survive if she can somehow transform herself into a nicer person.

LOS ANGELES, California -- Megan Fox revealed that she won't be working on any more transformer movies any time soon, and that director Michael Bay "can go f**k himself" for all she cares, according to Excess Hollywood.

The actress recapitulated earlier comments, comparing herr director to "Hitler" and "Napoleon" in an exclusive interview with the weakly entertainment news program.

"It's like, he wants to create this insane, infamous reputation for himself," she said. "It's a real bitch to be around him sometimes. God. God! Gimme a f**king cigarette, for Christ's sake."

Even though working with Bay was a nightmare, said Fox, "when you get him away from the set, and he's not in director mode, I suppose maybe he's a little bit less bitchy, but socially, he's still pretty ackward.

"Hey!!" she snapped. "You don't suppose this f**king cigarette is gonna light itself, do you?"

Fox began her illustrous career in 2003 playing a trashy hot chick who gets by on sex appeal, flaunting her goodies on the SeeBS network's One Brain, Two and a Half Men in an episode called "Unfiltered Camels and Pheromones."

That same year, she made her film debut in Confessions of a Teenage Whore for Attention playing opposite Lindsay Lohan, perhaps the only other Hollywood hottie clueless, classless, thankless and graceless enough to truly add depth to such a shallow role.

"You know, you could hand me that f**king ashtray, if it's not too much trouble," noted Fox.

In addition, her minor role in 2007's How to Lose Friends & Alienate People may have been a box-office failure, but that hasn't stopped her from staying in character for the part to this very day.

"This is a sickness, I have an illness -- this is not okay anymore," she said, knocking back a shot of distilled white vinegar.

Fox is also the latest actress to join the list of celebrity fad dieters; she claims the vinegar detox diet "cleanses out your f**king system" - and rids her body of the water weight often associated with menstruation.

"Look, I'm not one for dieting or exercising or whatever, so forget it, because I'm f**king lazy and I eat whatever I want to, especially sweets," said Fox. "And I'd rather starve to death than cook for myself, so I have to do a cleanse every once in a while."

Fox freely admits that she has obsessive compulsive disorder. The incorrigible potty-mouth refuses to use a public toilet without a seat cover or eat with restaurant silverware.

"Every time someone uses a bathroom and they flush, all the bacteria is shot into the air. Putting my mouth where a million other mouths have been, just knowing all the bacteria that you carry in your mouth? Ucch!!" said the actress, billowing a thick cloud of smoke as she extinguished yet another filterless cigarette.

The grumpy actress is widely regarded as a sex symbol and frequently appears in men's magazine "Hot" lists. She placed in the top 20 three years running on Menimum magazine's Hot 100 list, while FHM (For Hopeless Masurbators) readers voted her the "Sexiest Woman in the World" in 2008.

"Yeah? Well, look. I'm not a f**king reality-TV star that's courting the paparazzi and wants my f**king picture taken all the time. When I'm at my job and I'm trying to play a character and I'm trying to be serious, this is the sh*t that's happening to me. It makes me f**king furious," said the actress.

Recently, Fox ranked number one on FlixChix's "The 25 Hottest Actors Under 25," but the hopeless junk food addict will be turning 25 in less than a year, and T3: A Robot Movie has already begun filming.

"So f**king what!!" barked the aging screen siren, leaping to her feet as she slammed her bottle down on the table top, showering the room with vinegar. "Michael Bay can go f**k himself for all I care!"

Despite Fox' assertions, Bay said he ultimately claims responsibility for the parting of ways, reportedly deciding at the last minute to give her the axe "to rescue the rest of the cast from a living hell," according to RotoReuters.

"Megan says that she hates receiving compliments, that she hates being told she's talented," he explained. "She says it seems fake when people tell her how much they like her, or that she's going to be a big star.

"Well, that's Megan Fox for you - always full of surprises," laughed Bay. "Just when you think the only thing she's got going for her are looks, she comes along and says something so amazingly perceptive... Well, you just have to wonder."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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