Rookie Plumber Caps BP Executive Lamar McKay's Toilet

Funny story written by The San Francisco Onion

Thursday, 20 May 2010

image for Rookie Plumber Caps BP Executive Lamar McKay's Toilet
"Hey, McKay! If you're still out there, can you throw me a towel?"

HOUSTON, Texas - After using several questionable techniques to deal with a leak in the bathroom at Lamar McKay's corporate office in Houston, a local plumber finally capped the troublesome toilet permanently, according to the exasperated executive.

Witnesses adjacent to the facility said they noticed the sounds and smells of gas erupting shortly after McKay entered the bathroom.

"It was a lot worse than usual," said McKay's secretary. "I believe he had Mexican food for dinner last night."

When he emerged, "he told me to call a plumber right away," she said.

She noticed water beginning to trickle under the door, so she immediately placed a call to the Deepwater Horizon Plumbing Company.

"There was a problem in his toilet tank," said the technician who arrived several minutes later to assess the situation. "The float valve was messed up, so even though the tank was full, the water was still running."

The flow appeared to be on the magnitude of three to five gallons per minute, he said, "quite a bit more than I'm used to in a situation like this."

Rolling up his pants, he then procured some bendable drinking straws from the BP cafeteria, which he used to divert an estimated 10-15% of the water flow directly into the toilet bowl.

Dissatisfied with these results, he next tried catching the falling water in his mouth and spitting it out the window.

Still not pleased, he asked to borrow Mr. McKay's top hat, which he used to transfer water into a nearby sink, but the hat proved far too leaky to tackle the job.

Exasperated, the technician informed McKay that he would have to try a "plumber's junk shot" to stop the leak; he left the office and returned several minutes later with a bucket of golf balls and two bags of Portland cement.

"Problem solved!" he said, carefully stirring the unorthodox mixture already beginning to thicken in the toilet tank.

"Oh, my God!! What are you doing!?" cried McKay. "This is a complete catastrophe! Do you have any idea what this means? Now I'm going to have to use the service bathroom down the hall!"

"Well, you're gonna have to wait your turn," said the plumber as he turned and bolted from the room.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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