Written by Bill Licks

Thursday, 20 May 2010

image for Ronan Keating leaves his wife to concentrate on his Boyzone
Keating enjoying a night out with the lads

There's the born again Christian tattooed one, the shit Coronation Street actor one, the dead gay one, and the other one. Then there's the Ronan Keating one. Slightly balding, slightly boring and now slightly bending... perhaps?

After 12 years of marriage, Ronan has taken the decision to separate from his wife for reasons as yet unknown. Perhaps the relationship had run it's course and the split was entirely amicable. Or maybe Ronan felt his music career was far more important than being a happy, settled family man and he wanted to concentrate on becoming the new Elton John or George Michael or even Robbie Williams, for example.

Ronan has been deeply affected by the death of former band member Stephen Gately. He was like a brother to him. Not a lover. A BROTHER. He has emphasised in interviews how much he misses him and has taken to wearing all black outfits, a bit like Ann Robinson on the Weakest Link, as a mark of respect during his television appearances.

Keating has tried to keep Boyzone going despite the loss and has searched far and wide for singers to fill Gately's hole. But he believes the band can exist as a four piece and that no one can touch Gately as far as singing talent goes. In fact the only person who could touch Gately in the band was Keating himself.... as a singer of course and occasionally to give him a pat on the back... not the behind. THE BACK.

The news of the Life is a Rollercoaster singer's split will come as a pleasant surprise to all his adoring female fans, most of whom are now thirty something divorcees with 3 kids, 2 bingo wings and 1 hideous gunt. They now have renewed hope that they could spend the rest of their lives with the man they used to drool over when they were teenagers.

However, it's unlikely Ronan will be in the slightest bit interested anymore as he wants to have a break from the ladies and would like to spend some time bonding with some of Gately's old friends..... In a platonic way, of course. Just a few beers down his local pub, The Brown Cock, telling each other dirty jokes, and making friends with Dorothy.... the busty barmaid. Then maybe stopping off in the public toilets on the way home..... to have a piss because the pub toilets have flooded and there was nowhere else to go obviously....

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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