Miley Cyrus Yells At Her Critics: "Hey Y'all I'm Better Than Gaga, Britney, Jessica, Christina, and Ke$ha All Put Together"
TULSA, Oklahoma - Miley Cyrus was in town performing at The Sooner or Later Arena. The sold out crowd of 82,093, went wild for the girl who until recently was simply known as Hannah Montana, and who is now being referred to as Hohanna. Miley says...
Read full storyKim Cattrall: "No More Nude Scenes." World: "Thank God!"
Kim Cattrall has promised she will no longer remove her clothes for sex scenes now that she is in her eighties - insisting she will stay covered up from now on. The 88 year old became famous for her saucy role as Samantha Jones in the "Sex and the...
Read full storyFor a Happier Husband, Treat Him Like a Dog
LONG ISLAND, New York - Ladies, do you greet your companion with excitement every day, overlook his flaws, and forgive his bad behavior? If the companion in question is a dog, the answer is probably yes, but if it's your spouse, the answer is more li...
Read full storyHomeless Man banned from NHS given Asbo
A homeless man has been given a criminal Asbo, as he is an expert at faking illness, to be able to stay in Hospital; the fraud has cost the NHS tens of thousands of pounds. Christopher Dearlove, 41, used more than 70 aliases to trick NHS staff int...
Read full storyRue McClanahan Dead: Jokes About Her Ancient Vagina Will Live On
Former Golden Girl Rue McClanahan has passed away at age 76. Rue, the Samantha Jones of the geriatric set, achieved room temperature via stroke at 1 AM today, according to her manager. Interestingly, Mcclanahan and Sex and the City star Kim C...
Read full storyHowie Mandel, The New Judge On America's Got Talent Has Been Fined For Accidentally Hitting The X-Buzzer A Bunch
HOLLYWOOD - The new kid (judge) on the block, Howie Mandel, has already been welcomed big time by having a $3,000 fine levied on him by the producer of the hit reality show America's Got Talent. AGT Producer Wyatt McViolin, stated that he hated to...
Read full storyGary Coleman's Ex: She's not just smart, she's K-Mart smart.
Gary Coleman's moronic ex-wife, Shannon Price, says she pulled the plug on his life support to avoid "a Muhammad Ali situation" In an interview with TMZ shot the day after he died, the red-headed dimwit explained how a brain hemmorhage would've t...
Read full storyFrench Gays Told To "Come As You Are" - New McDonald's Campaign
Come as you are is a French advertising campaign being used by McDonald's in an attempt to lure the young gay buffed boys and parents into their stores. Like me, if you're gay, you'll spend a life time trying to keep up with the Matthews, Lukes an...
Read full story"You're more likely to get run-over than get a mortgage" admit banks
A leading high street lender has admitted you are more likely to be run over than get a mortgage approved with their bank, and only slightly less likely to die in the bath. Banks appear to be 'advertising their wares' more than ever but an insider...
Read full storyCollosal Squid hampers Deepwater Horizon rescue
Gulff Mexico - (Fishy Tales): The 66ft invertebrate, Mesonychoteuthis hamiltoni, was seen menacing BP's ruptured Deepwater Horizon wellhead as a new containment cap was being lowered by underwater robots. The abyssal gigantist was spotted near the...
Read full storyEducators Flee From Financial Fate
In recent months, many schools across the UK are finding their historical build, and engraved memories - which may perhaps be recognised as Graffiti - to be frowned upon. Therefore, councils have deemed it absolutely necessary that a vast abundance o...
Read full storyHeathrow braves blaze
A fire burst into flames this morning at a site near to Heathrow airport. This latest incident comes amidst BA's crisis talks with the Unite union and staff's continued walkouts. Willie Walsh is said to be fuming over yet another setback for the...
Read full storyAll parties admit election slogans were a "running joke"
All the main parties including the incumbent government have admitted their slogans were not worth the envelopes they were scribbled on. One MP, estimating he could make a cool £1m over the next term scoffed "What is change anyway? Hitler was 'cha...
Read full storyFleeing van der Sloot Detained in Chile: Claims He's Innocent Because He's Gay!
Joran van der Sloot was apprehended in Chile today after a world wide Interpol alert was issued concerning the death of a 21 year old Peruvian woman found dead in a motel room with a broken neck shortly after she was seen with the Dutch Sociopath.
Read full storyBP Asks Greeks to Shave Back Hair to Aid Gulf Disaster
Athens, Greece - Greece's debt burden is so excessive that the country is looking at every alternative to reduce their burden. With the concurrence from the European Union, Greece has decided to mandate all citizens to shave their back hair daily for...
Read full storyHow Can Cumbria Cope With Carnage Trauma?
A remote part of England has been changed for ever, after being dragged into the 21st century of death and destruction, writes Ayma Salivating-Sickevulture, Atrocity Correspondent. This rural county of Northern Britain, formerly famous for its lak...
Read full storySix loony male Martians are locked up for 18 months in an experiment to find out if Mars is still "gay free"
Six male Martians have volunteered to be locked up in a space module for 18 months without women and any contact to the outside world, apart from E Males (what?). This experiment is to found out how human males react after being isolated in a spac...
Read full storyAngelina Jolie to tackle BP oil spill
In their latest attempt to stop the oil leak off the Louisiana coast, BP have recruited Angelina Jolie. Previous attempts have involved using robot divers, giant plugs, industrial size sanitary towels and trained starfish. A BP spokesman said, "We...
Read full storyGolden Girl Rue McClanahan Dies, Betty White Wins Tontine
Golden Girl Rue McClanahan has died at the age of 76. That makes actress, Betty White the last of the Golden Girls and winner of at least a million dollar tontine. The tontine is named after a banker named Lorenzo de Tonti, who invented it in Fran...
Read full storyCharlie Sheen Headed To A Colorado Hoosegow: The Producers Will Change The Show's Name To "One And A Half Men And One Convict"
HOLLYWOOD - Well the "Bad Boy" reputation has finally caught up with Charlie "Drinky Poo" Sheen. A Colorado judge has sentenced poor little 'Carlitos' to serve 30 days in the Pikes Peak Penitentiary located in the Rocky Mountains on the west end...
Read full storyVodka Falls off Wagon Killing Teetotaler In NY Factory Accident!
In a tragic accident today, a 39 year old factory worker was killed when crushed by two pallets of Vodka Sauce that fell on him while he was checking the alcohol content in the designer spaghetti sauce canned on his shift. Co workers lamented t...
Read full storyKate Gosselin's Hairdresser Wants to Give Willie Nelson a Makeover
"Oh my good Lord in Heaven have mercy on my soul," was the reaction from one of the hair stylists at Kate Gosselin's old hairdresser salon in Pennsylvania. "Who the hell did that to him?" When they found out that Willie, himself, took the scissors...
Read full storyPresident Obama Eats Only Compimentary Breakfasts
Washington - Robert Gibbs confirmed yesterday that President Obama does prefer complimentary breakfasts as opposed to those conventional meals that speak no compliments. "[Non-complimentary breakfasts] offer little value of his particular needs,"...
Read full storySOLVED! Gordon Brown's Gold Sell Off to Consortium Revealed as US Starts Minting Coins with Obama's Likeness!
With the eviction of Gordon Brown from #10, financial forensic investigators have been looking into the former Treasury Minister's decision to sell off 60% of the realm's bullion at rock bottom prices, costing the country over $2.5B in potential incr...
Read full storyGaza flotilla massacre 'may have gone to Derrick Bird's head'
Cumbria - (OMG!): Did footage of last weekend's Israeli bloodbath raid on a Gaza aid flotilla trigger Cumbria's own horrendous carnage yesterday? Pals of deranged Whitehaven shooter Derrick Bird said today the 52 year-old cabbie had 'watched with...
Read full storyHeidi Montag Tests Positive For Plastic
WEST HOLLYWOOD - Heidi Montag, the ex-Playboy model, went in for her weekly checkup and the results of her tests all showed signs of plastic. Her physician, Dr. Martin Titusquarts, is of course not surprised as he is responsible for putting about...
Read full storyRooney Sensationally Ruled Out Of World Cup
Veteran US actor Mickey Rooney has been sensationally forced to rule himself out of contention for the American squad for this summer's World Cup in South Africa. Rooney, 89, pulled up heavily in training clutching his metatarsal after an accident...
Read full storyGOP Political Mouthpiece Rush Limbaugh Is Getting Married...(To A Woman!)
CARIBOU, Maine - Long time radio and TV political commentator, raconteur, ranter, and raver Rush Limbaugh was in Caribou speaking to a gathering of the town's Republicans For A Richer America. He told the crowd of 17 that he has decided to get hitche...
Read full storyEpsom Derby favorite Jan Vermeer 'is jinxed' says online betting site
Epsom Downs - (Whorsewhisperers): Hold all those ante-post bets! That's the word straight from the whorse's mouth as Epsom Derby favorite Jan Vermeer's Blue Riband glory bid started unravelling today. Named after a renowned Dutch painter the shor...
Read full storyTipper Gore Wants to Give Tony Hayward his Life Back
Sometimes people who are caught in relationships that put such a stranglehold on who they are start to want for something completely opposite. Case in point, Tipper Gore. For decades, she has been married to Al Gore, a quiet, unassuming man who assum...
Read full storyNapitalano: I'm Now In Charge of the Internet...Spoofers Be Very Afraid!
The US Senate announced today that their new internet control bill will place Homeland Security Chief and Pants Suit Maven Janet Napitalano in charge of 'throwing the switch' at her discretion to protect 'the integrity of the government. (sic) Na...
Read full storyUsing Penis Enhancement Products, Migraine Sufferers, Have Greater Stroke Risk
People who have migraines and men who use penis-helpers are more likely to suffer a stroke says a new report, after examining over 20 'private' studies. "The migraine can cause blood vessels to shrink making a blood clot more likely to hit the bra...
Read full storyPresident Obama Declares War on Australia
American president Barack Obama has caused controversy by declaring war on Australia. At a heated press conference at the White House Obama told reporters: "What did Australia ever do for us? Sure they may have invented the didgeridoo, the kangaro...
Read full storySarah Ferguson Claims She Was Only Helping Out A Friend, Fat Fergy
Sarah Ferguson told reporters today that she was selling access to her ex, Prince Andrew, to help out a "friend". "She has gotten really fat and needed the money to go to a fat farm." She then stated that the friend hasn't spoken up yet and may...
Read full storyGary Coleman Signed Power of Attorney After Head Injury
Traditional news media is getting it wrong. No big shock. As every TV and radio news reader has stated, Gary Coleman gave his ex-wife Shannon Price permission to make medical choices for him -including life or death- according to the Utah hospital...
Read full storyBritish Airways Joke "Bin Laden" Commercial Goes Wrong
At a time when the word "British" automatically brings to mind, "BP Oil Spill" to most of the world, it's not exactly a great time for British Airways to release a commercial showing Osama Bin Laden easily getting on one of their planes. "That's a...
Read full storyNew Eastern Med Cruise Craze
A new Turkish cruise line, Flotilla Cruises, believes it has hit upon the ideal holiday for credit-crunched holidaymakers and it seems to be making quite a splash. The line's MD, Mr Fud Ayd told us the secret behind the success: "Our boats...
Read full storyLetters to the Editor
Dear Madam (if indeed it is so), as a Welshman, it is with regret that I note that your esteemed publication fails to boast a section in the Welsh tongue. Could you perhaps consider the insertion of some Welsh tongue within your excellent parts? Failing that, perchance a translation of the whole or indeed again a subdivision thereof, notwithstanding the inevitable adulteration consequent to such...
Read full storyThe Duchess of York (Sarah Ferguson) Speaks With The Queen of Chicago (Oprah Winfrey)
CHICAGO - Sarah Ferguson, aka The Duchess of York, sat down with Oprah Winfrey at the Downtown Holiday Inn and spoke about her recent undercover sting operation. Ferguson, who claims to be on the verge of bankruptcy, was dressed in an outfit she s...
Read full storyBarney Frank On Israel Flap: I May Be Gay, But I'm Not Jewish, At Least Not Right Now!
House Banking Chairman Barney Frank, the Democrat from Massachusetts, was forced to backtrack after stating that the US should look into the killing of 'innocents' during the firestorm created around the recent Israeli storming of a flotilla heading...
Read full story"I want my Life Back" says BP CEO Tony Hayward
In a closing remark at a press conference over the Memorial Day weekend, Tony Hayward, CEO of the Bp Corporation declared, "I want my life back." Reaction was immediate across the USA as tens of thousands gathered to mourn the loss of Tony Hayward's...
Read full storyGalarraga's Perfect Game Thwarted by Hungry Umpire with Hot Dog
While Detroit Tiger pitcher Armando Galarraga contemplated the loss of a perfect game on a bad call at first base, umpire Jim Joyce admitted having his vision temporarily blurred while taking a bit of his hot dog. Through nine innings with only on...
Read full storyGreta Van Susteren Flies to Chile to Discuss Yet Another Dead Girl with Joran van der Sloot!
Talk show host Greta Van Susteren hopped the red eye yesterday as she hurried off to Chile in an attempt to interview Joran van der Sloot regarding yet another dead girl he left behind, although this one was found in plain sight! An all points bul...
Read full storyCharles hotfoots it to Cumbria in serendipitous PR bonanza
London - (Rotters): Prince Charles was reported to be heading to the Lake District this morning to shore up a much needed PR coup. Clarence House sources said today HRH's presence in the Whitehaven area could restore morale and boost public confid...
Read full storyDerek Acorah's new golf clubs ruin his game
Internationally renowned psychic medium and all round good egg, Derek Acorah, was fitted for new Golf Clubs earlier in the week. Having befriended Jimmy Tarbuck, despite the ex-comic not being dead or a celebrity, Acorah got into celebrity golf, a...
Read full storyIs Fran - "The Nanny" - Guilty Of Turning Ex Husband Gay?
Did Fran Drescher turn her ex-husband, Peter Marc Jacobson, Gay. While he's "out" there enjoying the life he never had with Fran, "The Nanny" star says she is in no way responsible for he turn in sexuality. Now, come on, after being together fo...
Read full storyGodzilla prescribes himself a course of drug stores
Godzilla, not seen on the shores of Japan for 25yrs, has re-emerged from the pacific abyss to cause chaos on the streets of Tokyo. The 1 million ton beast is thought to be responsible for the eating of about 200 cargo ships per annum with vessels...
Read full storyA marriage Gored: why Tipper split
After 40 years of marriage, Al and Tipper Gore are taking a little time apart to enjoy more personal space and rediscover themselves. Speculation runs wild as to what precipitated the separation. "He just didn't measure up to expectations," state...
Read full storyCumbria carnage 'puts a bit of a dampener' on William engagement ploy
London - (Killjoys): "Jolly bad form in Whitehaven, eh?" was the gist of a Palace statement this morning as lackeys struggled to spin a fairytale nuptial announcement in the light of Wednesday's Lake District gunshot massacre. Fawning sycophancy i...
Read full storyUnemployment: To wear pants or not to wear pants?
This is a quandary that the Unemployed struggle with almost on a daily basis. The truth is if you have nowhere to go and no one expects anything of you, why put on pants? Why not lounge around in your underwear/pajamas all day since let's face it: no one is going to see you to judge your most deplorable state of undress. Now, there are some people who will tell you, "You should put on some pa...
Read full storyJudge to Let Model Hunt Down Jealous Skank
NEW YORK CITY, New York - A model slammed in comments posted to an anonymous blog has the right to learn the identity of the crazy bitch who submitted them, a judge ruled Wednesday. In August 2008, a user of the Yoohoo! blogging service, Blogkhead...
Read full storyGlenn Beck Leads The World Into World War Three
Fox News reporter Glenn Beck brought the world closer to the brink of global conflict following his "in depth" analysis of the history of Israel, and the commando assault on the Gaza aid flotilla. In an almost inexplicable tirade against everythin...
Read full storyEnglish soccer "WAGS" arrive in South Africa and protest because there are no luxury boutiques in Rustenburg, shock, horror!
English soccer 'Wags" (wives and girlfriends) renowned for their ability to spend, spend and spend even more have arrived in Rustenburg, South Africa and are completely devastated. No Gucci's, Cartiers, Dolce Cabana's luxury boutiques, etc, just p...
Read full storyTipper to Receive Half of the Internet as Gores Divorce
As the forty year relationship between Al and Tipper Gore comes to an end, the long and tedious task of dividing up the Internet between the two parties is underway. Tipper is requesting full control over the social side of web although did offer...
Read full storyBenedictine Condom-King's Body Found
After an exhaustive search throughout The Netherlands, The Dutch police have discovered the body of Benedictine condom-king, Rameses Trojani, floating in a backwater canal in Amsterdam. The grisly discovery was made by a "painted woman" servicing a...
Read full storyPointless Letters To The Editor
Sir It makes me really, REALLY angry that the judges on Britain's Got Talent are so homophobic. We had that drag queen who dressed up as Lady Gaga - he got short shrift, and then we had that bloke who mimed to a Madonna song with a shit dance. Admittedly, the Madonna impersonating bloke wasn't properly gay, but he still got voted off because they thought he was gay. I mean, COME ON! If that's n...
Read full storySarah Ferguson On Oprah - Unforgiven
It seems that US audiences weren't fooled by Sarah Ferguson's excuses for accepting $40,000 for a meet with her ex-husband, Prince Andrew, on the Oprah show recently. By attempting to imply that she'd only accepted the access money in order to help o...
Read full storySome Really Angry Letters To The Editor
Sir Me and a few mates have hatched a really cunning plan. Because Israel won't apologise for shooting them there people on that aid boat, we're gonna get some helicopters to drop us on some of them illegal West Bank settlements, and when they attack us with sticks and barbecue tongs we'll shoot the bastards. That'll make 'em think twice in future. Nogga Dogg, Norris Green Sir It makes...
Read full storyIsraeli water tainted with LSD
TEL-AVIV ISRAEL - A controversial report has been released by the IDF(Israeli Defense Forces) today, revealing that the drinking water of both the government and Armed forces of Israel have been heavily dosed with LSD. U.S. sources have double che...
Read full storyTipper Gore: I Am No Longer Depressed
Known to be suffering from depression for many years, Tipper Gore, who is now separated from Al Gore, says that it must have been being married to Al for all those years. "I can't believe how good I feel", she told a friend yesterday. "Can I se...
Read full storySandra Bullock Shows Her Uh, Class!
Sandra Bullock showed everyone why she is much liked and her ex husband Jesse James, much despised, by showing up last week to take her stepdaughter out for a special day for her birthday. Where was Jesse? Who knows? Well, probably at least one pe...
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