A remote part of England has been changed for ever, after being dragged into the 21st century of death and destruction, writes Ayma Salivating-Sickevulture, Atrocity Correspondent.
This rural county of Northern Britain, formerly famous for its lakes and mountains and for being the favourite idyllic escape for city dwellers looking for respite from the rat race, is reeling after crazed gunman Derrick Bird, 52, ran amok through its western region, killing 12 people and seriously wounding 11 yesterday.
The County of Cumbria, now synonymous with psychopathic mass murderers, mass murder and rampaging loony murdering psycho gunmen, has joined the ranks of the World's Hell Holes, such as: Beirut, Iraq, Afghanistan, Dunblane, Lockerbie, Hungerford, Columbine, New York City on 9/11, Virginia and Alabama.
After this horrorshow, this newspaper - on behalf of the watching nation - is demanding answers to the following vital questions:
- what was wrong with Derrick Bird?
- did Derrick Bird fall out with his family and workmates?
- why did Derrick Bird have those guns?
- could he have been stopped?
- what was it like?
- was it like a Playstation Game?
We also want to know:
We know that our readers will be demanding answers, and we tried, yesterday, to uncover the hidden cost of this latest 21st century atrocity.
I went to Cumbria and visited the small town of Egremont.
Nothing ever happens in Egremont. The sleepy village is normally only known locally as the dozy hamlet where the most exciting thing that ever happens is the Egremont Crab Fair. Here competitors in the gurning contest hang horse-collars round their necks and pull grotesque faces and the best gurner wins.
Yesterday, the handful of Egremontonians had other things hanging round their necks and they were grimacing for different reasons, to win another kind of prize, a place in the Horror Hall of Fame.
I walked through Egremont. It was deserted. Disappointed, for I really wanted to speak to someone who had lived through Derrick Bird's Flight from Reality, I went to a house.
It was a tatty, small terraced dwelling, a far cry from the luxury apartments we are used to. But bracing myself, ready to brave even this shabbiness for the sake of our readers, I knocked on the cheap door.
A burly man answered. I told him I was from the Daily Ignoramus and also was working for Parasite FM. I explained that I wanted to know all about his experiences, and what he thought about Derrick Bird, and how much he blamed the police, or the social services, or Gordon Brown, or Mad Shootist Bird's Family. I waited. My 52 photographers waited. My 35 sound technicians waited, as did my 32 cameramen.
The man looked at us and said:
"It's none of your business. Why don't you just fuck off and leave us alone? You sick bastards. What the fuck do you think it's like? How would you like it? Fuck off. Get a life. Grow up. Stick your 24-hour rolling news, your sick jokes and your bullshit gobshite theories up your tight posh twat you ignorant bitch."
With that, he slammed the door in my face.
So there you have it. I can only apologise to our readers. I did my best in difficult circumstances. Obviously the simple folk of Egremont can't articulate their feelings in a useful way.
I suggest you tune in to Parasite FM at 7 tonight for in-depth analysis of this historic event. A Daily Ignoramus Journalist, a Psychiatrist Expert in Murderers and a leading 24-hour rolling news anchorgirl will hopefully provide superior entertainment to our surly churl from the middle of nowhere.
Clearly, fame is too good for some.
