Insiders in the England camp tell us that the entire squad is unsettled, and growing increasingly frustrated with the iron discipline enforced by Fabio Capello.
We were reliably informed that Peter Crouch is desperately missing the dulcet tones and flat scouse vowels of the delectable Abbey Clancy, that Wayne Rooney is "Dezzy forra bunk-up" (Desperate to share an intimate moment) with Colleen, and that Ashley Cole is beginning to regret sending pics of himself in his underpants to that topless model, given that Cheryl is looking pretty damn hot these days.
It's uncertain who John Terry is missing. Apparently he can't make his mind up.
The problem seems to lie in the absence of WAGS - who were lambasted by the press in the last World Cup for being a distraction.
A source told us:
"The England lads are too tensed up. They've all been wearing dressing gowns and limping in order to disguise throbbing erections. But they aren't fooling anybody. They're all gagging for it. Trouble is, they daren't risk it with the local talent because of the health issues. Capello got his preparation all wrong this time."
Rumours that Katie Price has offered to fly out to South Africa with a view to "cheering the lads up a bit" were strenuously denied by her agent.
We tried to call Cheryl Cole, but a spokesman told us that she'd gone out dancing.. A spokesman for Abbey Clancy denied that she'd been making eyes at 'Lesbian Vampire Killers' star and chart topper James Corden.
Sir Bobby Charlton told us he'd rather not get involved and asked us to leave him out of this report.
Happy to oblige Sir Bobby.
More as we get it.
