San Francisco Onion Accepts 'Featured Writer' Accolades

Funny story written by The San Francisco Onion

Sunday, 20 June 2010

image for San Francisco Onion Accepts 'Featured Writer' Accolades
You'll need these if you want to cry at THIS speech!

Your Majesty, Your Royal Highness, Mr. Lawton, Excellencies, Ladies and Gentlemen:

I accept these noble and prized accolades for having randomly achieved Featured Writer status at a moment when hundreds of U.S. and U.K. citizens are engaged in a creative endeavor to make us laugh at the world - and despite the world - around us. I accept these accolades on behalf of writers that move with determination and a majestic scorn for risk and danger to establish a reign of spoofdom and a rule of laughter.

I am mindful that only yesterday in San Francisco, California, one of our spoof children needed a good laugh, and so did someone out on a limb, someone under a freezing f**king bridge, someone in London or NYC, someone in Santa Fe, even someone on the Sunny Side of the Street. And yet it was also only yesterday when a lot of things happened that weren't even funny. At all. I am especially mindful that debilitating circumstances and lack of laughter could very well grind down some people and chain them to a life of frowning.

Therefore, you may ask why this prize is awarded to a writer who beleaguers everyone with his commitment to bringing up stuff that isn't even funny - at all - at The Spoof; to a writer who often uses the site as a platform or a soapbox instead of going for belly laughs.

I conclude that the Featured Writer status which I have now received on behalf of The Spoof is a profound recognition of the universal truth that complete randomness is the great equalizer. Every dog eventually has his day, even here, given enough time.

I write this today with an abiding faith in The Spoof and a time-worn but tenacious faith in the future of mankind. I accept that hilarity, while not the solution to the world's problems, is at least suitable to warm the heart and lift the human condition.

Like others before me, I have the audacity to believe that people everywhere need three meals a day for their bodies, education and culture for their minds, dignity, equality and freedom for their spirits. And I believe they also need laughter for their souls.

I believe that, while some writers may tear down what others have built up, and some writers may build up what others have torn down, a tiny slice of mankind will nevertheless still bow before the altar of Globey and be crowned triumphant for a moment over sadness and misery, with laughter and good will proclaimed throughout the United Kingdom and the United States of America... and hopefully in at least some of the other writers' locations as well.

"And the lion and the lamb shall cry out together, falling to the ground and rolling about in a fit of uncontrollable belly laughs until their sides split."

Let this faith give us courage to face the uncertainties of the future. It will give our tired feet new strength as we continue our forward stride toward freedom from despair. When the one star arse-bandit tries to ruin our day, we know all too well the harsh realities of life at The Spoof, and the turmoil that comes from creating an integrated Spoof society with the shared intent of bringing a smile to your face.

Thanks to the much appreciated comments in the discussion forum thread generated by my random selection for this great honor, I find renewed inspiration.

As I write this spoof, I am reminded of the many people who made this journey possible: The administrators and site creators; the writers who make up our happy spoof family and define the personality of the site; the sick, sad individuals who bring us notoriety in their quest for baseless, debased and profane nonsense; and even the bastards whose satiric barbs may hurt us, but that just as often make us stronger, and fuel our drive and commitment.

Many thanks to the dedicated satirists who continue to contribute here at the site without being paid a £$#%ing penny, hoping only to bring a smile to our faces. Most of us may never make the real headlines, and our names may not appear on any Who's Who lists. Yet, with the passing of years, as the blazing light of truth continues to focus ever more closely on the maddening foibles of humanity, men and women will need good satirists more than ever.

I think Marcus Lawton and the rest of you don't need to actually listen to my tone of voice to hear the sarcasm implied when I tell you that I accept the honor of being randomly selected for Featured Writer status in the spirit of the recipient of some precious heirloom.

Many thanks to Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., and to his 1964 Nobel Prize acceptance speech, for making this magazine submission possible.

Have a nice dream.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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