Written by Helen Tarnation

Saturday, 10 July 2010

image for Climate Crisis Narrowly Averted: Missing Heat Found in Gore's Second Chakra
Computer model of world temperatures after release of AGSC

Climatologists have long insisted that greenhouse gas warming was supposed to create a telltale warming of the troposphere, or of the oceans. The trouble is, instrumental readings show no such evidence.

Since global warming theory requires the heat to be somewhere, it was called 'missing heat'. That term no longer applies, now that scientific experts have located the heat in Al Gore's second chakra (AGSC).

The search for the planet's missing heat has long been a matter of contention and hand-wringing.

'The fact is that we can't account for the lack of warming at the moment and it is a travesty that we can't', said Kevin Trenberth, a leading climate scientist. 'We can't definitively explain why surface temperatures have gone down in the last few years', he added. 'That's a travesty!'

The discovery of the heat in Al Gore's second chakra was accidental. Scientists analyzing the temperature records for Portland, Ore. documented a startling upward deviation in temperature on Oct. 24, 2006, but no variation in CO2 levels. On the following day, temperatures dropped back to near normal.

'We had to discover what caused this anomaly', said Bob McCluskey, a leading climatologist. 'This was way beyond anything you'd expect from an Urban Heat Island'.

To unravel the mystery, the scientific experts looked at data from satellite-based records. These satellites orbit the earth and monitor its temperature constantly. Checking against any possible correlation, they eventually found that the heat anomaly moved from city to city, exactly following Al Gore's itinerary.

Using a hand-held remote-sensing thermometer similar to those on the orbiting satellites, they eventually pin-pointed its exact location: Al Gore's pudendum (AGSC).

'When we made the final discovery, Al Gore pleaded with the research team to release his second chakra', McCluskey said. 'We were horrified. Can you imagine what would have happened to the climate if so many billion kilojoules of heat were suddenly released?'

McCluskey had nothing but praise for the masseuse who on the night of Oct. 24 refused to release AGSC. 'Single-handedly, she averted one of the worst possible catastrophic anthropogenic global warming (CAGW) in history', he said. 'The botched predictions of glaciers disappearing would have come true after all.'

He also expressed admiration for Tipper Gore, Al's estranged wife. 'Her courage and determination in averting AGSC for so many years is an example for us all', he said. 'Just stay away from AGSC!'

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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