Windsor - (Petit Mal News): It's a sudden death penalty shootout kinda solar eclipse this weekend.
And the news from Our Man in the Curfew Tower is that the Grim Reaper is poised to score the ultimate karmic Golden Goal.
Already we've had searing night-time temperatures, horrendous humidity, marauding malaria-spreading mosquitoes and the death of justice fugitive Raoul Moat.
Add to that the World Cup final and grim prognostications from the NHS about oldies' dodgy tickers and what do you have?
"Prepare yourselves for the worst!" karmic online spreadbetting website Aintgottaprayer.con advised today.
"We've been monitoring unusual betting patterns all week long," the site's head of racketeering Dave Mug-Punter commented this afternoon.
"Mostly looking at the silly royal somnambulist who had to be strapped down to her ancient fourposter the last time an occultation of this magnitude occurred."
This weekend Castle footmen have been instructed to ignore the scattered banana skins, throw wide open the windows and ensure the Royal Moat Service lifeboatmen are all on a Palace jolly at Ravensburg.
Charles and Camilla are still in hiding in Rothbury.
