3rd Royal Betrothal as Sorry, Doshless of York Announces Engagement to Prince Andrew
Hoping to cash in on the rash of royal engagements, Sorry, Doshless of York, has announced she is engaged to Prince Andrew, but perfectly prepared to call it off for the right price. "Well," sighed one friend of the creative Doshless, "I suppose...
Read full storyPalin defends fatties, attacks health campaigns
Following her attack on Michelle Obama's anti-obesity campaign, saying that it took away people's right to choose their desserts, Sarah Palin has issued a statement to the nation, and to God, calling on people to stand up against socialist inspired...
Read full storyJK Rowling to be Dame in New Year's Honors list
London - (Gong Hits 4 Hogwarts!): A simple £10 million bung to the Duke of Edinburgh University medical school was all it took. It will fund the building of a dedicated treatment center for degenerative personality diseases - to treat plagiarists...
Read full storyClose call for Santa during Lunar eclipse!
Disorientated by the lunar eclipse, Father Xmas smashed into an asteroid today and was luckily rescued by Russian cosmonauts. He is said to be relatively well and recovering from shock on board the Soyuz space station. NASA says Santa is likely t...
Read full storyCable Versus Satellite
Vince Cable has declared war on Rupert Murdoch who is trying to gain full control of Sky. The revelations were made in secret recordings of Mr Cable taken by journalists when he believed he was talking to constituents. In order to gauge public op...
Read full storyChildren's groups have been warned not to play games in the dark after the Court of Appeal upheld a compensation award to a scout injured during night activities.
"Children's groups have been warned not to play games in the dark after the Court of Appeal upheld a compensation award to a scout injured during night activities." Sad but true. No longer will Blind Man's Buff be allowed at children's parties.
Read full storyVince Cable Will Stay in the Cabinet
Business Secretary Vince Cable has been locked in a cabinet and told to stay in there until he's learnt "a damn good lesson". Downing Street made the decision after Rupert Murdoch labelled Cable "a bloody fool" for being honest to an overcover report...
Read full storyTotal Lunar Eclipse passes off without incident...yet
The first Lunar Eclipse for four hundred years to fall on a Winter Solstice has passed off without incident - so far. The last time that a full Lunar Eclipse occurred on a Winter Solstice was 1638. This heralded the start of a war between Scotland...
Read full storyShania Twain Opts for New Model with Bucket Seats
A year after her messy divorce, Southern pop star, Shania Twain has hooked up with a younger Swiss businessman, whose seat apparently looks "pretty good in a faded pair of Levi's". Not that heterosexual guys would know the difference, but Shania...
Read full storyBeckham Becomes West Ham Player Manager
In an audacious bid by West Ham Owners David & David to save the Hammer dropping on their feet, David Beckham has been lured to Upton Park with an undisclosed offer. It is likely Beckham fancied becoming a player manager. It is also thought he...
Read full storyBrett Farve Exonerated: Evidence "Too Little" Says Commissioner
NFL Commissioner, Roger Goodell, who has drawn criticism for his handling of the Brett Farve "Sexting" scandal, issued a prepared statement which exonerated the beleaguered quarterback who suffered yet another concussion in last nights frigid battle...
Read full storyWar on Christmas Over: Mission Accomplished
(Washington, DC - December 21, 2010)… Early Tuesday, President Barack Obama (Yeah, him again.) made the controversial announcement that this year, the Christian celebration affectionately referred to by supporters as a "Happy Holiday" is canceled.
Read full storyPrince William's Cousin Can't Get Laid
London - Prince William's cousin Beatrice Elizabeth Mary of York is finding it hard to get laid. The Princess is fifth in line for the throne, and used that to her advantage for scoring men, but is now finding it hard for her to score because mos...
Read full storyA Quick Look At 2011
Ring In The New Year! By Timothy N. Stelly, Sr. Taking a page from the National Enquirer and other errant epistles, here are my predictions for 2011, many of them macabre. These prognostications are brought to you by Miss Cleo and Crandall's New and Used Crystal Balls, of Locust Ridge, Louisiana JORAN AND O.J. FACE SHOWER DANGERS. Yep, The Danish Bad Boy "takes one for the team" after he is...
Read full storyBret Michael's Engagement Means New Reality TV Show for Him
Hollywood - Bret Micheals' asked his longtime girlfriend, Kristi Gibson, to marry him. The engagement now means Brett Michaels reality television career will go on for another season with his new show, "Bret Michaels: Life is Over As I Know It."...
Read full storyCable Takes on Murdoch
A section of the 'full transcript' of Vince Cable's interview with people he supposed to be his constituents, but in fact were Daily Telegraph reporters, was cut. It has now been leaked to Robert Peston of the BBC who has put the excised remarks o...
Read full storyNHS Re-uses Amputated limbs
In a move to save money, the NHS has decided to recycle used body parts and close down all prosthetics departments nationwide. Surgeon General, Sir Cecil stump, outlined the process in a statement to the House of Commons this morning. "We have...
Read full storyMiami Beach Closed Due to Overcrowding by British Tourists
The cold snap that continues to plague Britain is responsible for the City of Miami Beach closing its doors to any more travelers seeking a warm spot in which to spend the holidays. Planes were diverted to as far north as Charlotte, South Carolina...
Read full storyVatican Repeals Don't Ask, Don't Tell Policy
Following the lead from U.S. political and armed forces leadership, the Vatican has announced the lifting of their own "Don't ask, don't tell" policy, allowing priests and nuns to openly disclose gay or lesbian tendencies without fear of reprisal.
Read full storyPresident Obama: The Moon Turned Red! Flee! Flee!
Astrophysicists, astrologers and other planet-looker-aters have fallen to their knees, shaking fists of rage at the sky, damning it for painting the moon blood-red last evening, an obvious side of our impending doom. However, some 'I'm too f--king...
Read full storyHeathrow Airport, UK, promise stranded passengers the biggest Christmas Party on the planet!
Heathrow Airport, UK, are a bunch of incapable losers claim many stranded tourists hoping to escape the "Christmas tinsel plastic hell" that the British festive season has turned into. Due to the terrible weather Heathrow seem to be totally hopele...
Read full storyRacial discrimination in India rife!
Bangalore Herald, Bangalore, India: A disturbing report is circulating foreigners and ex-patriots visiting or living in India. Foreigners in India are being discriminated against and many feel that India is taking a racist direction similair to th...
Read full storyConstant Facebook status updates does not make people more interesting
A new study from social media students at Thames Valley University has exclusively revealed that Facebook updates stating what a person is doing does not make them more interesting. Moreover, the study went on to claim that if anything, constant...
Read full storyGordon Brown to the rescue, again
At Heathrow last night, a lone figure was seen waving his arms as the occasional plane taxied past. Gordon Brown, with ear muffs and a day-glow yellow vest over his white mac had used his House of Commons pass to get onto the tarmac. One of his m...
Read full storyWhinging Brits
Residents living near Istanbul airport were amazed this morning when a plane flew overhead bearing the British Airways livery. As it looked as though it might be landing, crowds flocked to the airport to see this rare phenomenon. Disembarking pas...
Read full storyCable in Chains
Vince Cable, once considered the only capable person in the Liberal Democrats, has put himself in a huge pile of shit. Speaking to two Telegraph reporters posing as Lib Dem constituents they obtained from Cable a series of comments meant for their...
Read full storyRihanna And Christina Aguilera Probed Over Sleaze Allegations
UK TV watchdog, Ofcom, is to investigate the performances of Rihanna and Christina Aguilera on last weekend's X Factor final. The starlets wore skimpy costumes and gyrated provocatively, thrusting arses and boobs at the camera, prompting 2,750 com...
Read full storyRolling Stones Stoned Confusion For Ronnie
A top ego expert fears for the sanity of Ronnie Spector, ex-wife of iconic-but-jailed record producer Phil Spector. Apparently her ego has grown to such proportions that while skimming through Rolling Stone Keith Richards's autobiography she assum...
Read full storyDog takes art world by storm
A mongrel called Hirsty is causing a real sensation in the art world and has been installed by bookmakers William Hill as a warm favourite to scoop the 2011 Turner prize. Hirsty, a 7 year old mongrel from Sheffield, has in recent weeks been leavi...
Read full storyBrad Pitt Attempts to Break the "Sixth Wall"
The traditional view of theater is that three walls surround the actors (or "players" as they are sometimes called) while an invisible "fourth wall" separates the characters from the audience. There is also the notion of a "fifth wall" that repres...
Read full storyThe Truth Behind The Ines Sainz - Los Angeles Lakers Rumors
LOS ANGELES - According to a highly placed inside source within the Los Angeles Lakes organization the infamous sports reporter from Mexico, Ines Sainz was recently observed in the Lakers dressing room interviewing one of the players. What made th...
Read full storyThe World's Dumbest Thief Makes Off With $1.5 Million In Gambling Casino Chips
LAS VEGAS - The Assistant Director of Casino Chips for the Bellagio Resort Gambling Casino, Sinclair Vindercullen, has informed The Tinsel Town Times Tribune that his casino was robbed of $1.5 million in casino chips. Vindercullen stated, that he...
Read full storySarah Palin Invites Prince William and Kate Middleton To Appear On Her Reality Show, "Sarah Palin's Frozen Alaska"
WASILLA, Alaska - Sarah Palin, whose reality show, Sarah Palin's Frozen Alaska has just surpassed Glee, Desperate Housewives, 30 Rock, and CSI: Miami in the Nielsen Ratings has invited England's Prince William and Kate Middleton to appear on her runa...
Read full storyAlex Reid Moves In With His Mom - Katie Price Purchases An Inflatable Blow-Up Male Doll
LONDON - Things in the once upon a time wondrous world of Alex Reid and his wife of less than a year Katie Price seem to be going from strange to stranger as the cage fighter has announced that he is thinking of moving in permanently with his mother.
Read full storyTaylor Momsen Performs In Scotland And Confuses It With England
GLASGOW, Scotland - Taylor Momsen, aka "The Racoon Rapscallion" performed with her band The Pretty Reckless before a boisterous crowd at Glasgow's Silken Kilt Arena. The Scottish concert goers were having a jolly good time up until Momsen, aka The...
Read full storySnow Hits Retailers At Peak Season
Retailers were bemoaning the weather yesterday, as once again Britain ground to a halt in freezing conditions. As airports closed and trains stopped running, shops were looking emptier than is usual at this time of year. The lack of customers l...
Read full storyUnion leaders told the PM that ConDem cuts were "dangerous and divisive"
Union leaders told the PM that ConDem cuts were "dangerous and divisive" during a mince pie summit at Downing Street yesterday. Whilst eating mince pies and drinking egg nog yesterday, Union leaders told the Prime Minister that, indeed - cuts in c...
Read full storyReaders Problems Answered
DON'T SUFFER IN SILENCE! DON'T BOTTLE IT UP! LET IT ALL OUT! "Readers Problems Answered" Is Here To Help With This Week's Guest Editor: Radical Poetic Innovator and Author of The Waste Land T S ELIOT T S Eliot didn't bottle it all up! He let it all out! Had he been a bottler-up, the world might never have seen The Dry Salvages or Ash Wednesday or Sweeney Agonistes (There's a lot to...
Read full storyRavens' Donte Stallworth Deactivated For Propensity To Commit Homicide, Foot Injury.
For the first time since returning from a broken foot seven weeks ago, wide receiver Donte' Stallworth was among the Ravens' gameday inactives for yesterday's game against the Saints. Donte' Stallworth is a convicted killer... ...and he only serv...
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