In a move to save money, the NHS has decided to recycle used body parts and close down all prosthetics departments nationwide.
Surgeon General, Sir Cecil stump, outlined the process in a statement to the House of Commons this morning.
"We have devised a plan, whereby, an amputee will be given the body part of another amputee. So if patient A has a leg taken off, Patient B, who needs a leg, gets the limb. And this will be the same for any amputated body parts across the board.
Therefore, the Prosthetics departments will no longer be needed saving millions of pounds over the next ten years.
We have set up a company for the prosthetics engineers, making manikins for top clothes stores like Selfridges, which keeps them in employment and brings in revenue for the NHS.
As for things like sex swap operations, that is what they will be.
Patient A wants to be a woman and patient B wants to be a man.
So, we take patient A's penis and transplant it onto patient B. Then we take patient B's vagina, and transplant it onto patient A.
False hair for alopecia sufferers will be supplied from dead patients scalps, so the wig makers will be redundant. We will be employ them to make quality rugs that can be sold online. More money for the NHS and we see it as a win win situation".
Asked about heart transplants and the lack of available organs, Sir Cecil replied; "We have a pig farm in Suffolk that can supply at a minutes notice. My team have allowed for every possible scenario."
Shadow Health Minister, Adolf Himmler, said; "There is something not quite right about the logistics of the whole adventure. What if one amputee is black and the other white?".