Susan Boyle Asleep
Susan Boyle fell asleep last night. The world's most famous singer reportedly went up to her hotel room after dinner and closed the door behind her, according to sources close to her, er, door. For several hours through the night Su-Bo made no...
Read full storyPrime Minister Gordon Brown Used The 'C' Word
GORDON Brown finally used the 'C' word yesterday in the row over public spending. In a speech to the TUC trade union, the Prime Minister admitted for the first time what he really thought of his predecessor Tony Blair. The tone of his speech al...
Read full storyAirline Announcements To Be Translated
There was panic aboard an Airbus 320 when French-speaking passengers heard the announcement that "We're crashing - say goodbye". The English speakers on board heard the usual "In a few moments, we will pass down the aisle with our duty free collec...
Read full storyInternational Penis Possessors Hall of Fame Nominations Open Today
LOUISTA, KY (ABSNN) - A committee of ten prominent Louista, Kentucky men and women announced the formation of the International Penis Possessors Hall of Fame and will officially begin accepting nominations for the Biggest Dicks of 2009 on Septemb...
Read full storyKanye West - Professional Party-Pooper
In the aftermath of supposed-'singer' Kanye West running on stage during real-singer Taylor Swift's acceptance speech, during the live MTV video awards show, West has proclaimed his new life's ambition; crushing the hopes, dreams, and bright moments...
Read full storyJoe Jackson Wants Kanye West Blackballed!
Joe Jackson, father of the Jackson clan, wants rapper Kanye West banned from all entertainment events after his stunt at the MTV Video Music Awards on Sunday, September 13, 2009, when he ran up on the stage, grabbed the mike from Taylor Swift's durin...
Read full storyJessica Simpson's Pussy Snatched By Phoenix Coyotes
Phoenix, AZ - Jessica Simpson's pussy has been snatched by a member of the Phoenix Coyote hockey team, and they want to make it their mascot. An unknown member from the Phoenix Coyote hockey club went unannounced to Jessica Simpson's hotel room la...
Read full storyPresident Obama Says He Didn't Call Kanye West A Jackass, He Called Him A Dumbass
WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Obama today issued a statement saying that he did not call rapper Kanye West a jackass. The president said that what he did call the rappin' bro was a dumbass. The president was quick to point out that there is a funda...
Read full storyNational Breast Appreciation Day - Why Are Old Feminists So Forgetful?
Following a stinging attack on design guru Stephen Bayley, who openly supports National Breast Appreciation Day, somewhat unsurprisingly as he once published a book lauding female design, elderly femenist Germaine Greer was given a proper slap in the...
Read full storyKanye West Disses Taylor Swift, and a New Word is Born
Kanye West's antics at the Sept. 13 telecast of MTV's Video Music Awards prompted a new addition to the vernacular: to "swift" someone. Inspired by the rapper's rude interruption of Taylor Swift's acceptance speech at the live telecast, the verb mean...
Read full storyChristian churches unite to deal with dire shortage of pithy one-liners
CHICAGO -- Christian churches from all across the country have sent representatives to the ongoing summit to deal with the continuing shortage of pithy one-liners. These one-liners are commonly seen on boards propped out in front of the building, ost...
Read full storyFace Sitting Latest: Tottenham 1 Man Utd 3
Manchester United produced a superb display to fight back from a face fart behind and win away at Tottenham, despite Paul Scholes' sending off. Spurs went ahead when Jermain Defoe planted in an acrobatic overhead wet one only 38 seconds in, but Ry...
Read full storyAdebayor Clan running riot
In a strange and almost noble gesture Emmanuel Adebayor's brother has tonight attempted to cause even more controversy during a single football match and take some of the heat off the Manchester City striker. Colin Adebayor, 19, currently on loan...
Read full storyFilm Director Considers Sex Change to Compete with Male Counterparts
When director Sandra Mohr decided to find out why her family's 401(k) was looking more like a 201(k) she probably had no idea she would be exposed to the corrupt underworld of hedge funds, criminal market managers, greedy legislators, and sexism.
Read full storyDel Potro Victory to be Honored by Re-Invasion of Falklands: Report
In a stunning reversal of policy, the government of Argentina re-declared war on the Falkland Islands and announced plans for an immediate invasion. Infrastructure is currently being allotted; at least three ferries will be employed to bring land tro...
Read full storyKanye West Told Jay Leno He'll Agree To Wash Taylor Swift's Tour Bus
LOS ANGELES - Kanye West appeared on Jay Leno's new 9 P.M. Show (10 P.M. Eastern Time, 8 P.M. Mountain Time). He was dressed in the same clothes that he wore on the MTV Music Awards Show. Kanye, with his weird maze-looking haircut, sat slouched on...
Read full storyBloomberg To Ban Smoking, Sex In NYC Parks?
No puffing or poking in the the parks? No lighting up or lifting up on the lawn? No butts on the beach? "We don't think it's too far to say that people shouldn't be smoking or having sex in parks," Health Commissioner Tom Farley said Monday. Ma...
Read full storyIt's Official: Kanye West is Now Los Angeles's 'Village Idiot'!
Los Angeles, CA: It's offical. After much deliberation by the citizens of LA and call-in votes from all over America, the dubious title of 'Village Idiot' has been bestowed upon rapper Kanye West after his latest tantrum on last Sunday's Video Musi...
Read full storyA crashing plane sparks boring Germans to life after Merkels TV "Sleep in" Chancellor debate!
It needed a crashing aeroplane to spark the very dull and boring Germans into life this week! After a typical German, very dull, boring, long-winded, pre-election Chancellor TV debate 99% of Germans either nodded off, got very pissed on good ol Ge...
Read full storySerena Williams Tries to Explain Away Her Potty Mouth
Flushing Meadows, New York - "I don't know what happened," said Serena Williams as she took her seat at a table covered in microphones at a press conference she called to explain her unsportsmanlike comments to a tennis courtside judge at the U.S. Op...
Read full storyAmy Winehouse Claims She's Got A Bug Up Her Ass
Amy Winehouse has stated that the courts have planted a bug up her ass, according to a lady who sat next to her on the New York Subway Friday. "We were just sitting there on our way uptown when this lady with a strange hairdo and sort of wild look...
Read full storyElton's Ultimate Shopping Spree
Popular entertainer Reg Dwight - better known as Sir Elton John - will continue his mission to adopt, despite his harsh treatment by the Ukrainian authorities, who branded him "too old" and "too queer" to purchase 14-month old orphan Lev. "Elton i...
Read full story78 year old man gets four hour erection--donates
A seventy-eight year old man in Louisburg, NC has reported that after taking erectile dysfunction medicine, he has regularly experienced a four hour erection. Warnings about this condition appear regularly on the TV ads regardng this and other ED med...
Read full storyRaving Reviews For Dan Brown Latest
Dan Brown's latest thriller, "The Lost Thingummyjig" has gone straight to the top of the bestseller lists before it has even been written! Slapper & Toerag the publishers have invested £5 million in an option on the book which is to be a seque...
Read full storyElton John Shocker - Not Married!
Mr & Mr Elton John, or is it Sir Elton and Lady David, or should it have been Mr & Mr David Furnish - anyway - doesn't matter now. For the Ukraine has declared that the "marriage" is invalid (3 cheers for the Ukraine!) and because of a lit...
Read full storyEmmanuel Adebayor Hit With Two FA Charges?
Manchester City striker Emmanuel Adebayor could be hit with two FA charges tonight after a hearing watched video evidence of two incidents from last Saturday's game against Arsenal which City won 4-2. Adebayor's goal celebration, in front of Gunne...
Read full storyObama Calls Kanye a Jackass
WASHINGTON, D.C. - After almost two-and-a-half centuries of repeatedly slamming American politicians for being untrustworthy, pundits across the world are ushering in a new era of complaint by blasting the President for being completely honest. Pr...
Read full storySleazyjet To Invite Passengers To Act As Crew
Sleazyjet, the well-known economy airline has taken a giant leap in cost-cutting. From now on, when you check in online, you will be asked if you wish to volunteer to fly the aircraft, act as cabin crew or baggage handler. In the event that ins...
Read full storyUEFA U-Turn on Eduardo
Arsenal supporters are delighted that UEFA has rescinded its 2-match ban on their Croatian international Eduardo, who was accused of diving in the Champions League tie with Celtic. UEFA now suggests that the Metropolitan police should consider a...
Read full storyIs Google responsible for farmer's hat crop damage?
New information has come to light regarding the Devon farmer who lost his hat. This morning's story about a farmer carving the word 'Googe' into his wheat field prompted a response from Google, who created a commemorative logo page, complete with a...
Read full storyPelosi makes Wilson stand in corner...face wall
In a startling development certain to make history in the US House of Representatives, Speaker Nancy Pelosi ordered Congressaman Joe Wilson to stand in the corner of the House and face the wall this morning. As the Democratic members cheered amid mo...
Read full storyHeroin addicts say 'yes' to free heroin in shock survey
A pilot scheme which gave free heroin to heroin addicts discovered they were less likely to pay for heroin from street dealers. Totally useless politicians have hailed the scheme a success after heroin addicts said that getting free heroin wheneve...
Read full storyLily Allen says online piracy affects musicians ability to sail
Singer, Lily Allen has requested her fellow pop stars and singers be on guard while sailing the seven sees after a reported rise in internet piracy. The Smile singer claimed that internet piracy is killing the music industry, with musicians' comp...
Read full storyRep. Joe Wilson's Long History Of Random Yelling
Washington, DC - The Beatles - rock & roll legends, voice of a generation, liars. "I remember Joe screaming at his record player," said John Hill a longtime friend of South Carolina Congressman Joe Wilson. Hill explains Wilson was upset by John...
Read full storyPrince Philip says hermaphrodite may be all woman where it counts
Prince Philip has finally weighed in with his say on the scandal surrounding Hermaphrodite runner Caster Semenya. The more outspoken Royal than Prince Charles says that being half-man, half-woman should not disqualify Caster "Sugar" Semenya from f...
Read full storySerena Williams enters heavyweight boxing title fight by mistake
American tennis player Serena Williams today mistakenly entered the WBO heavyweight boxing title fight in Madison Square Garden, New York City, thinking she was entering the US Open tennis championships. 'I had spent the morning working on my tric...
Read full storyKanye's White House happy hour invite for 'jackass' apology
Washington AC/DC - (MeAnMyBigMouthMess): "The President only meant that Mr West has a zoob like a nuclear powered ramjet," White House sources explained today following the Kanye West 'jackass' furor. "And as most folks know the ramject is part o...
Read full storyIs there anyone normal left asks survey?
According to research published on the ever reliable internet, the following is proved by statistics: 1 in 8 men are gay, 1 in 3 girls are abused by their boyfriends, 1 in 4 people will have mental health issues, 1 in 6 men are abused as boys, 1 in 10 children are illegitimate, 1 in 12 people are colour blind, 1 in 10 have restless leg syndrome, 1 in 5 will get Alzheimers, 1 in 5 primary age ki...
Read full storyMan City versus Arsenal live radio commentary
'So it's still goalless here at the City of Manchester Stadium after fifteen minutes of play. But now Wright-Phillips sends a through ball towards the Arsenal penalty box, and Adebayor runs in for it, but Fabregas beats him to the ball - and Adebayor elbows Fabregas in the head, sending him crashing to the ground! My word, that was a disgraceful assault, and no wonder the referee's reaching for...
Read full storyDylan's TV Chistmas Special Set to Air
Bob Dylan's Old Timey Christmas Television Special featuring: Andy Williams Cher Keith Richards June Taylor Dancers Shecky Greene Alicia Keys Miley Cyrus knock knock knockin' on santa's door, indeed... "Nobody believed I was gonna do a Christmas album and now nobody believes I filmed a Christmas show," growls a quietly defiant Bob Dylan. "I live my life and it surprises people, surp...
Read full storyMagna Automotive favour the Germans.
As Magna Automotive now plan to shut down all the UK Vauxhall plants and scrap the workforce a spokesman from the Canadian giant today defended the decision. Mr.Richard Head, Group HR Director reading from a carefully pepared script went on to exp...
Read full story23% still unaware of impending Breast Appreciation Day
A snap poll has shown that in spite of a national government awareness campaign, nearly twenty-three percent of adults are still unaware of Breast Appreciation Day. This will come as an urgent wake-up call to the Department of Over-Cs Development, w...
Read full storyKanye Baracks Barack Obama Over Banks Baracking
Kanye West yesterday upset US President Barack Obama by storming the podium during an inaugral address aimed at reforming the banking system. There were question marks over the President's security when the diminutive R&B star, or whatever he...
Read full storyMad Farmer Carves 'Googe' into Wheat Field After Sun Hat Blows Away
In what seems to have been a fit of pique, a farmer in Devon has cut a message into his own crops after a freak wind blew his favourite sun hat away. The single word, Googe, is thought to be a slang word for rough sex, and why he thought this was a...
Read full storyAmerica's Got Talent's Kevin Skinner and Lawrence Beamen Trade Chicken Jokes
HOLLYWOOD - America's Got Talent's two top male singers Kevin Skinner and Lawrence Beamen were back stage at the AGT finals and to pass the time before their final performances they were trading chicken jokes. Skinner asked Beaman what chicken not...
Read full story"You Lie": The Story Behind the Story
Sources today revealed the true reason for the "You Lie" outburst in the halls of the United States Congress that left America reeling. Due to a plethora of recent tea parties, the good congressman from South Carolina, Joe Wilson, was suffering n...
Read full storyFace Sitting Glory for England
Arses around the country are letting off in celebration at England's qualification to the 2010 Face Sitting World Cup, in the 5-1 victory at Wembley Stadium in London yesterday. The team have stormed into next year's finals in South Africa after maki...
Read full storyDr. Phil Writes Prescription for Philip Garrido Voodoo Dolls (UPDATE 1)
"Normally I don't recommend the occult, or revenge for that matter, to my patients. Much less write out a prescription to them for it," said Dr. Phil. "But in this case, I'm willing to make an exception." Dr. Phil then directed his studio audienc...
Read full storyDr. Phil Psychoanalyses Philip Garrido, Jaycee Lee Dugard's Abductor
"You got to be the sickest bastard I've ever psychoanalyzed," said a visibly shaken Dr. Phil after psychoanalyzing Philip Garrido, Jaycee Lee Dugard's abductor via close circuit TV during a commercial break. "In fact, you're so sick that now I'll pro...
Read full storyAmerica's Got Talent's Grandma Lee Says She Voting For Barbara Padilla
HOLLYWOOD - Seventy-five-year-old Grandma Lee confided to America's Got Talent co-host Nick Cannon that after hearing Barbara Padilla sing on the shows finale she is voting for the gal from Guadalajara, Mexico. Abuela Lee as Barbara calls her sai...
Read full storyKanye West Hijacks President Obama's Microphone
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Kanye West took the microphone from President Obama during a Monday press conference just as the President was being mercilessly grilled about health care. Both the press and the President voiced strong disapproval of West inter...
Read full storyPoliticians and Prostitutes Shown to be Strange Bedfellows
New York NY: Dr. Harpo Marx had to hurriedly leave the Abnormal Political Behavior Conference in San Francisco CA and fly to the east coast. He made stops in Baltimore MD, Washington DC and Brooklyn NY to interview prospective ACORN prostitutes. T...
Read full storyIs Susan Boyle's 'Wild Hair' a hit?
Universal City - CA Susan Boyle - the second place winner on Britain's Got Talent - flew across the puddle and touched American soil for the first time in history. When she disembarked from her flight in LA - and went through American customs - a...
Read full storyGhost Still Haunting Goldberg
NEW YORK CITY, NY, USA An angry Whoopi Goldberg filed a police report early this evening requesting to file charges of stalking, harassment, malicious mischief and assault by a persons or persons unknown. Goldberg was unable to give a description...
Read full storyBetter Than Sex Discovered
The mythical hunt for "Better Than Sex" came to a stunning conclusion this week as Doctor Festival Huntington of the University of Pennsylvania announced he has successfully tracked down the elusive substance deep in the headwaters of the Amazon basi...
Read full storySecret of Dan Brown's "Lost Symbol" Leaked!
Less than 24 hours before the highly anticipated "Lost Symbol" hit book shelves, a former employee of author Dan Brown debunked rumors that it will reveal how the Freemasons controlled early American government. Speculation about the number 33 an...
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