Police Retreat From Downtown Miami
Unable to compete with numbers or firepower, Miami police this evening are staging a 100% pull out from central Miami. This move follows years of a slowly losing battle against drugs and crime, and is scheduled to be completed "before the sun comes u...
Read full storyObama signs executive order reversing rotation of the Earth
President Barack Obama has signed an executive order ending the easterly rotation of the planet on its axis that has characterized much of these first five billion years of Earth's existence. The executive order will maintain the current mean an...
Read full story"I have no talent." - Kelly Brook
Sources close to the pouting, smouldering beauty refused to confirm or deny the rumour that she has been recently diagnosed with 'no talent syndrome'. Friends close to the star have long suspected that Kelly has no talent but felt it would be ina...
Read full storyMerrill Lynch's Thain Eats all the Cake; Leaves Only Crumbs for Taxpayers and Clients!
Washington/DC/ Financial News as Usual - Financial Analysts have finally called the DEMs TARP scheme what it really is: Just another BLANKET COVER UP to shield excessive greed and political corruption! Highlighting the TARP disgrace is the break...
Read full storyManchester United Aiming For Record FA Cup Win Against Tottenham
Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson has caused controversy tonight ahead of tomorrow's FA Cup fourth round tie against Tottenham Hotspur, by telling reporters that his players will be going all-out to break the all-time scoring record for the...
Read full storyTerrorists Prefer Guantanamo over Sing-sing
In a stunning turn of events, inmates of the recently closed Guantanamo Bay Prison have filed suit hoping to reopen the facility as an alternative to American prisons. "Please, we'll tell you anything you want, just get us out of here," inmate Kh...
Read full storyWith Article by Libyan Qaddafi, NY Times Launches Terrorist Contributor Week
On Friday, the New York Times ran an op-ed by Libyan President Muammar Qaddafi. Qaddafi, the Israel-hating, bane-of-the-West leader who seized power in a 1969 coup has reformed himself in recent years. Still, it was slightly jarring to read the a...
Read full storyBillions 'hush' as white people discover black people
An historic and unprecedented 'hush' descended throughout the world last Tuesday morning as nearly 7 billion people watched while then-president-elect Barack Obama was sworn in several times as the 44th President of the United States of America.
Read full story$1.8 billion Mall crowd estimate challenged; National Park Service alleges racism
Current counts indicate that 1.8 billion persons, at least half of whom were black, packed into the Washington D.C. Mall on Tuesday to witness the historic inauguration of the nation's first African-American president. These results are being cha...
Read full storyOh No Not Another part of that Bleedin' Guide!
(F/2) Folding Sunglasses: Yes folks as you meander along the Information Superhappyfuntimehighway there is a possibility you will interact with somebody who still thinks these are a neat idea. (F/3) Flaming/flame Baiting: Before you indulge in this fascinating sport you've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk? Flame Baiting: The flame baiter is the 5 times bankru...
Read full storyLocal Doctor Reprimanded
Bloomertown's Community Health Department announced today that it was investigating claims that local Doctor John, actually visited a patient in her own home, to carry out an examination. The patient, an elderly woman with no transport who had bee...
Read full storyFrost Nixon star reveals sequels
Michael Sheen, the OBE'd British actor currently staring with Frank Langella in the multi-Oscar-nominated US film Frost Nixon, has let slip that he has signed up for a series of sequels. The first of these - 'Blair Nixon' reprises Sheen's role o...
Read full storyGeorge Bush Inks Book Deal for Coloring Book
(Crawford-Texas) Former President George W. Bush is wasting no time following in the author footsteps of other former Republican presidents like Richard Nixon. But as with his tenure in office, the book deal is not without controversy. The deal is fo...
Read full storySiamese Twins Demand Two Medals
Dilly and Dally DeWeese, Bullet County's only pair of Siamese twins, who won the 100 meters final at the Regional Paralympics in Bridgeport this past weekend by a head, are demanding two medals, one each, however organizers say they have to share.
Read full storySachs disinherits Georgina 'Satanic Sluts' Baillie over Russell Brand shagging fiasco
London - (Russ/Ross Mess): Comic TV actor Andrew Sachs has disinherited granddaughter Georgina 'Satanic Sluts' Baillie for subjecting the family to the lurid Russell Brand shagging farce. Baillie's Daily Screws intimate blow-by-blow revelations "...
Read full storySupergroup of dead rockstars , the "Dedbeets", get together to release new album
The music world has gone into ecstatic overdrive with the news that some famous dead musicians are getting together to release a new album prior to touring the world. The late John Lennon, George Harrison, Jimi Hendrix and Jim Morrison have confir...
Read full storyJonathan Ross apologises for speech impediment
In an obviously scripted opening to his Friday evening TV show, evil entertainer Jonathan Ross apologised in detail for his appalling speech impediment. "It is incumbent on all of us in this industry to speak clearly, and I realise I let the sid...
Read full storyIceland's Prime Minister Resigns
Geir Haarde, the embattled Prime Minister of Iceland, has announced his resignation following demonstrations in protest at the recent financial crisis and the continuing use of Kerry Katona. Iceland has been facing riots and civil disturbances ove...
Read full storyGame, set and match to Carla Bruni as French Justice Minister dumped 'for lactating all over Cabinet'
Paris - (Sacre Bleu! Mess): French Justice Minister Rachida Dati has been sacked amid rumors she 'milked the Cabinet' of sympathy in her covert voodoo doll war of attrition against Prime Minister Francois Sarkozy's wife Carla Bruni. Dati, a stunni...
Read full storyPope Tube
In an unprecedented move for any Pope, Benedict XVI is to broadcast a twenty-four hour YouTube style broadcast on the internet. "Bene is, how you say? Down with da kids," said Father Domani. "He knows he can reach millions with da internet." Th...
Read full storyKaren Matthews Gets Banged-Up For 'Not Long Enough'
Karen Matthews, the 'mother' of Shannon Matthews, the schoolgirl who went 'missing' for three weeks until she was found under a bed, has been jailed at Leeds Crown Court for 'not long enough'. In amazing scenes, not-very-appropriately-named judge,...
Read full storyChappaquiddick Police Find More Bodies
Chappaquiddick MA-- Local police and FBI agents will continue their grim search at dawn for more cars and bodies in the Chappaquiddick Canal. Thirty-five drowned young women were pulled from their cars yesterday. A police spokesperson said some of...
Read full storyCure for Alzheimer's
In a combined UK/US study, Vitamin D has been found to stop the effects of Alzheimer's. The US section of the study investigated 20,000 old people and compared the effects of Vitamin D supplements in a double-blind trial. The British part of th...
Read full storyBarack Obama to reintroduce segregation-for whites
The new President of the United States of America, Barack Obama, has announced on his first full day of office that he will reintroduce segregation into American society, ensuring white people are given white only schools, military service and other...
Read full storyOh No Not Another Guide!
Navigating internet based fora and chatrooms can be a veritable minefield for the uninitiated, here is a simple guide to help prevent the noob from falling foul of the multitudinous, and oft times conflicting, rules of engagement. (A) Acronym: Tactical deployment of these along with smilies are an invaluable asset when attempting to ingratiate yourself with the host community (an obsequious, fa...
Read full storySport exclusive! Kaka is leaving Real Madrid!
Footballer Kaka IS leaving Real Madrid. Contrary to reports about his £100 million transfer to Manchester City Football Club with a half a million quid a week salary, we can exclusively reveal that he is in the process of a transfer to Tring Athl...
Read full storyPlimpton man in stroke of good fortune
Retired Plimpton gardener Alf Potts could not believe his luck this week when a gold envelope hit his doormat. "I've never won anything in my life before", said Alf, 78, "so this is a real thrill. My wife died last year, and I will go to visit my...
Read full storyHedgehogs to have own Parliament
In a largely anticipated announcement, hedgehogs have voted almost unanimously to form their own Parliament. The hedgehogs intend to model their parliament on the Isle of Man "Tynwald" system, which is over 1,000 years old, shunning more modern pa...
Read full storyJonathan Ross Back On BBC1 Tonight With His Own Inimitable Brand Of Pure Shite
Jonathan Ross, the disgraced BBC talk show host who was suspended for his disgraceful antics with that Russell Brand, is back on TV on Friday night, after just three months absence. The show, wittily subtitled Carry On Up My Own Arse, has made Ros...
Read full storyRevealed, the future of Doctor Who
Over the years, there have been ten Doctors, starting with William Hartnell in 1963, up to David Tennant, who will play the Doctor until 2010, when Matt Smith will take over. Inside sources at the BBC production team responsible for bringing back...
Read full storyIsrastine 2030: First Hamas Prime Minister
Only 22 years after Israel and Palestine implemented Libyan despot Muammar Qaddafis "one-state solution," Israstine proved its diversity by electing Ali Megrahi of the Hamas party as Prime Minister. Prime Minister Megrahi and his party won an astoni...
Read full storyArmor Vest Sales Increase As Stocks Fall
One segment of the economy is picking up, according a recent report by Armor Holdings, one the nation's leading makers of Mexican outsourced body armor. Many investors are purchasing personal armor, and wearing it on their daily commutes. "The con...
Read full storyGerm-Free People Get Sick More Often
Recent surveys of people in one different office building reveals that people who are "clean freaks" are more likely to come down with the common cold. It seems that all of that killing of microscopic parasites isn't always the healthiest way to g...
Read full storyUS Citizens Unite To Create Largest Bank In The World
The citizens of the United States today in a mass movement became the largest bank in the world. Strapped with the responsibility of saving huge financial institutions from insolvency and the auto industry as well as a number of other enterprises, th...
Read full storyPalin wants book deal
Sarah Palin, former Vice Presidential candidate has secured the services of an attorney in the hope of signing a lucrative book deal. She has strong emotions about what happened during her run for the White house and wants to address her fans, enemi...
Read full storyMiley Cyrus Picked By The Obama's To Be The "First Kiddoes" Babysitter
CULVER CITY, California - President Barack Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama have revealed to talk show host Bonnie Hunt that they have chosen Miley Cyrus to be the official babysitter for the two 'First Kiddoes' Malia and Sasha. The president t...
Read full storyCitizen George Bush Applies For Unemployment Benefits
CRAWFORD, Texas - President George Bush has now joined the ranks of millions of Americans who are without a job. Mr. Bush walked into The Crawford Unemployment Agency, took a number (#14) and waited his turn to speak to an unemployment clerk.
Read full storyPresident Obama To Withdraw 5,000 Troops From Iraq Immediately
WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Barack Obama has ordered that 5,000 U.S. troops stationed in Iraq be brought back home immediately. The president held a closed meeting with his top military leaders, his top military advisers, Secretary of State Hilla...
Read full storyFormer Gitmo Prisoner Becomes Yemeni McDonald's Subversive Manager
As new President Obama contemplates the release of Guantanamo Bay prisoners, many of whom have never been charged with any crime except falling into the hands of some US army hayseed who couldn't tell a terrorist from a turnip, a cautionary tale has...
Read full storyIdaho's Racist Cults Pollute Treasure Valley
In some of the most pristine land in the world, Idaho's treasure valley has been admired and coveted for its clean air and crystal clear vistas. That is, until the smog crept in on sewer rat like feet. Pollution experts have been studying the phenome...
Read full storyDrunken Bank Robber Flees With Pints
A man wearing a tie-dyed ski mask with the words "Martin Willoughby" printed on the back entered the wrong bank yesterday, apparently confused after several hours of doing shots with some buds. All went well as he quietly entered the bank, his ski...
Read full storySarah Palin to Sell Family Secrets on EBay to Finance 2012 Presidential Run
VPeep candie failed Sarah Palin has vigorously fought the tabloids, bloggers and Republican Party Website reports about the many scandals of the Alaskunt Palin clan. That is until she got wind of the money to be made peddling the family jewels and th...
Read full storyGiant Cubes Fall From The Sky
Since the 1920's, scientists have held with the belief that the entire universe is ordered, a feeling most often represented as "God does not play dice with the universe." Top researchers from Berkley were amazed today when two giant dice came tum...
Read full storyD B Cooper Returns To Jump From A Plane Again!
DB Cooper is back. The man famous for hijacking a plane in 1971, demanding $200,000 ransom, then parachuting into mythology has struck again. Changing his name to Marty Shrenker he made a new life for himself as a big investor in Indiana. Recentl...
Read full storyMonkey Woods, Super Writer, To Hollywood?
The phenomenal success of The Spoof writer Monkey Woods (real name Blakely Charles Twitterham) has caught the attention of Hollywood, California film moguls. Noting unbelievable production of World News Stories of amazing depth of diversity and at...
Read full storyKaka Stay Ina Milan
Milan - Sewage workers are into their third week on strike in Milan causing sanitary systems to back up and raw sewage to overflow onto the streets. Mayor Benny Benito called a press conference today where he announced, "Kaka stay ina Milan!" "Cit...
Read full storyCar Company/Doughnut Baker Make a Deal
Stymied by utterly flat car sales, Pford Motor Cars announced today that it has inked a deal with Donkin Doughnuts to present the first automatic coffee car. After an initial programming by the owner, Pford's Special 2009 Coffee Torus model will a...
Read full storyFCC Re-Designates Spam as CRAP
Washington DC: The Federal Communications Commission (FCC) announced today that Spam will now be re-designated as computer reproduced animal poop (CRAP). Spam is the abuse of electronic messaging systems to indiscriminately send unsolicited bulk mess...
Read full storyObama Upset At First Reading Copy of President's Book of Secrets
In National Treasure 2, the existence of The President's Book of Secrets is revealed. The volume is said to reveal the truth behind such things as the Kennedy Assasination and whether or not the U.S. knew of the planned attack on Pearl Harbor. This...
Read full storyNation's Last Virgin Is Weakening
Gertrude Spotsinsky, the United States' last known virgin over the age of 13, confided in her best friend that she was "weakening" this past Tuesday. "It's hard to resist Mark," she explained, with a faraway look in her eye, "He knows the words to...
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