Written by Morse

Friday, 23 January 2009

image for Merrill Lynch's Thain Eats all the Cake; Leaves Only Crumbs for Taxpayers and Clients!
Merrill Lynch CEO Gorges on Taxpayer and Client's Money Leaves only Crumbs!

Washington/DC/ Financial News as Usual - Financial Analysts have finally called the DEMs TARP scheme what it really is: Just another BLANKET COVER UP to shield excessive greed and political corruption!

Highlighting the TARP disgrace is the breaking news that former CEO of Merrill Lynch, and until recently a member of the Bank of America executive staff, John Thain dispersed $4b in executive bonuses a month before the Bank of America takeover he helped engineer with government guarantees. The $4b is part of the $15B shortfall ML announced AFTER they had gained control of the investment brokerage.

Meanwhile, while Thain was overseeing the cutting of over 3000 ML jobs, and feathering his nest, it was announced he was also redecorating his nest to the tune of $1.2m, $800k of which was to current White House decorator Michael Smith, recently commissioned by Michelle O'Bama.

In order to enable him to piss away more of the taxpayer's and his client's money, Thain commissioned a "4 legged commode" for $35k, $140k for 2 "area" rugs, $87k for two "visitor" chairs, an$18k desk, $11k for Roman Shade fabric, $28K for 4 pair of drapes, and a host of other over the top artifacts including a bronze nude of Barney Frank, without fig leaf, and sporting a huge boner of financial excitement as he dispersed bailout funds to the "anointed."

Meanwhile in Myrtle Beach, S.C., hundreds of ML customers who retired on hard earned savings were rewarded for their loyalty to ML with a year end box of home made cookies as a token of their esteem from the investment company that collected tens of thousands for investment advice and management, while losing over 30% of the retirees' money.

Retirees, looking forward to their Golden Years, instead found their savings turned to a pile of ashes. One ML client now collecting bottles on the side of Highway 17 in Myrtle Beach in order to help pay for his medication, said the box of cookies "was a crumby deal...Thain got to eat most of our cake, and left us with only a few crumbs," he said as he worked his way up the highway trying to make a few dollars.

Some ML clients may take heart in hearing that Thain was fired today by Bank of America after the noted abuses became public. Realistically, if the news had not become public threatening the current BAC CEO for his ML deal, Thain would still be in his King like office. As it is he will have to muddle by with his previously bestowed ML compensation package exceeding $50M, and spend his time between his Manhattan townhouse and a magnificant 10 Acre estate in upper NY state...which by the way is currently being decorated by the "magical" Michael Smith.

A Government spokesman today confirmed that the unemployed Thain is mulling over an offer by the O'Bama administration to spearhead a committee to look into the recent financial meltdown, and write a handbook on ethics. A compensation package, to include tax breaks, are being negotiated as we go to press.

Adding to the financial disgrace is he VERY LATE BREAKING NEWS that House Banking Chairman Barney "Fannie" Frank with the stroke of his pen in December released $12m of TARP funds to Boston Bank OneUnited, despite the fact that the Feds wanted to shut them down for imprudent lending, abusive executive compensation , (execs got company Porches), and gross malfeasance. Meanwhile talking head O'Bama has articulated that there will be no earmarks on the TARP funds, and his administration will be marked only with "Transparency". Wags have agreed, as they claim more and more Americans are beginning to see through O'Bama, albeit "a little too late!"

The only positive financial news breaking today was the announcement that Larry King lost over $1M by investing with Bernie Madoff. King announced today alimony to his 6 former wives might be "slightly delayed" while he moved some funds around, or that he might be forced to issue some IOUs backed by the California government.

O'Bama sent the talkmeister a note of sympathy today : "Lacheim....hope is on its way!" Love, Barry, with a c/c to Barney Frank for immediate action.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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