In a stunning turn of events, inmates of the recently closed Guantanamo Bay Prison have filed suit hoping to reopen the facility as an alternative to American prisons.
"Please, we'll tell you anything you want, just get us out of here," inmate Khalid Sheik Abubu pleaded with federal prosecutors. "Already, several Al Qaeda operatives have fallen from the grace of Allah and into the arms of forced sodomy."
Terrorist experts, while building Guantanamo, noted that membership in Al Qaeda, like membership in NAMBLA, receives special treatment in normal prisons.
"We originally built Guantanamo to keep known terrorists out of the general pop," expert Lane Halbrook explained, "those buggers may do well hiding in the desert, but Allah sure doesn't seem hang out around Cell Block A. Turns out that all their training in I.E.D.s and suicide bombing ain't too much help against a shiv."
Ever since the closure of Guantanamo, inmates have been freed from sleep deprivation and water-boarding and released into the welcoming arms of understaffed, overcrowded American prisons where the only problems are murder, theft, drugs, gangs, and rape. When asked about the food, ex-Guantanamo inmates lamented that though the food in America was better, in Guantanamo it was not constantly taken away by a large man named "Bubba."
Islamic inmates have also found problems practicing any religious traditions which involve bending over or kneeling on the ground.
